The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
you are definitely not alone .. Going through similar only mine has ended; it has not been easy and my daughter on top now Still has the abandonment and anger issues .. 8 years old and she still gets upset with my saying no .. It's such a work in progress .. She's attached to material things right now; i suppose because material things don't go away .. They stay around, etc.. It's heartbreaking especially for us moms .. afterall we are the moms .. aren't we supposed to be able to fix everything? at least it Feels that way .. I hate that I too brought my daughter into such a dysfunctional environment for some time .. her dad and i were together 11 years .. even now she gets bits and pieces of his time; sorta like table scraps to the puppy .. very sad and very much at his convenience .. putting the focus back on me though .. my real problem is i look to Me for the answers .. True my answers are inside me somewhere to how I cope .. but I need to turn it over to hp constantly .. the answers to how to do better and work through My confusion will take some time .. Maybe it's the acceptance piece i need to work on .. even harder because when she hurts i feel it .. grr keep coming and sharing .. we've made some progress but it's really taking time ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 22nd of July 2012 12:27:46 AM
So..as I read my ala lit and read posts im more and more aware that my biggest struggle is "mommy guilt". Im struggling as a wife and a mom to reconcile this alcoholic chaos that we live...tht I brought a child into...how unfair...and its THAT that tears me apart. My ah is a functioning alc....he is aware of it , yet not terribly interested in changing. Weve been tog for 13years. Have a nice lifestyle, etc. im a sch social worker, active in my church and from a good, still intact family. Ah is from a really messed up background, has learned coping skills from a bar room but still goes to work everyday(hes the boss) and is agood provider...thing is...hes out 2_3x+per week ....sometimes until the wee hours...drinking and goodness knows what...a lifestyle that completly turns me off. Im alne a ton, my daughter already has learned she cant really depend on dad and she is aware of his "odd" habits shall we say. Sadly, its common place for her to go to bed and dad to not be home...i tend to say " hes w his friends"...which isnt lying...butwhat she doesnt know is that I have no idea where or when hell be home. She knows we are alone alot ,that I get upset and sometimes he just lies around all day. She doesnt know hes an alcoholic...shes 8 im not going there yet.
Me....i feel terrible for her. I worry constantly.for her. For what goes through her little head. For the tension I know she feels in our home...the lack of simple joy. Yet she adors her dad, loves familyvand it would break her heart if I left him. We do have good times...we all do but married live to an alc is unpredictable, tense, lonely, frustrating...on an on..
Any other moms out there struggling through like im trying to....would loveto connect.
Godbless us
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
TOC's big hugs and you are not alone. I hope you are able to get to a meeting you will find real time that there are many others out there in your position. I'm in a situation that the stbax in my life is still functioning however it's going to come to an end sooner than later. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it is different for everyone as far as how fast and how far they fall.
The best thing I can do for my children is if I'm ok they are going to be ok. They see what is going on and they get it big time. I have to continue to put the focus on me and try not to focus on my stbax because it's just not going to be productive for them or me if I remove the focus from me.
Hugs it does get better, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you. And f2f mtgs do help when im able to get there but there arent many I can get to and the ones I do have very few folks living it right now. I need to be the best me I can be...thatsooo kuch easier to say and write than it is to do sometimes. My anxiety goes on overload.....
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Again so understand, and it all leaks in different ways the anxiety of it all. Saying the serenity prayer helps, learning what I really have control over which isn't the A. All of that other stuff I have to give over to my HP or I will loose my mind. I do mean that in a very literal sense of the word.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
SO hear YOU. Ive gotta give it tobhp now so i can sleep ..to be the best I can in the morning when ah is hungover and im leaving for church.nite...ihope
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I am glad that you posted your deep fears and anxiety about your child. You are not alone. I hope you can rest and regain your strength.
Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone who comes in contact with it. We who live with the disease did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. It is a 3 fold illness- physical, mental and spiritual. You had no way of knowing this when you married and had your child.
Now that you are aware you have found a worldwide fellowship of men and women who live with or have lived with this disease. We have united in order to learn how to focus on ourselves, live without fear and anxiety and live with serenity , courage and wisdom.
In alanon we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, place principles above personalities, connect with each other so as break the loneliness an isolation brought on by this disease.
You and your daughter love Dad so I urge you to keep coming here posting and attending on line meetings.
Your story sounds so similar to mine. My RAH was also a functional alcoholic for the first 13 years of our marriage, is his own boss, provides a very comfortable living for us, and is out most nights of the week. We have 4 children. He has been sober for about 18 months, but unfortunately he is still out most nights of the week and when he is home, he is often unavailable physically and emotionally.
I have also had a lot of guilt over bringing children into this situation and the idea that I cannot give them the gift of a healthy, nonalcoholic family life. He also comes from an alcoholic family, I do not. I was extremely naive about the effects of this disease.
Lately, I have been really trying to turn it all over to HP. I pray that His plan is greater than mine, and that He gave us these kids, in this situation, because He knows the journey for each of us. I don't understand it, and if I could change it, I would. But I can't, so I'm trying to trust in something bigger than all of us.
I've realized that I "thought" I was doing my best to protect my kids from the dysfunction, but really I can't--it is dysfunctional all around, my part included.
I'm hoping that with this program I can become healthier and be an example for them to accept the reality of life situations, to believe in a Higher Power and a plan for their lives, to stay true to themselves, and to show compassion to others in their lives. Already they have the advantage that they will not be nearly as naive as I was about the disease of alcoholism. Much easier said than done, but I'm trying. Most days I still struggle--I can really connect with your post.
funny .. i'm thinking as i read Wanderers reply about what "I think" the role of paranting is and the destination of raising children .. I mean what is it "I think" my children should have, get, work through .. I look at paranting as a destination .. The destination as in graduating, college, marriage, raising kids, etc.. what have you .. When i read the above reply, I'm thinking of what lessons do they really need to prepare for life in truth .. they do Need to learn life's lessons and situations .. Reality .. Reality is Part of the lesson .. To distinguish between reality and fantasy .. what it helps me to recognize near for the first time is those are the lessons they truly need to live .. How to face what's real .. how to be honest, see what's there .. not live in denial .. what i'm seeing is that i have had a really differant perception of paranting in my mind and its purpose .. we have the tools of the program .. I know they are only 8 .. too young for too much info about their addicted fathers but something to definitely think of for me .. my heart breaks because I watch my daughter's self esteem and confidence become effected .. I watch her have a hard time finding her voice the way i did at times .. I watch her negative self talk even at this little age as in nobody likes me .. an 8 year old thrives on what others think; they want to be loved and approved of by everybody, etc.. now with all of that .. I worry .. and the balance when she's angry is how could i expect her to be any thing other .. she can't have walked through some of it without feeling the effects or that things were about her .. heck i did it with the a for years .. i always secretly carried the blame .. keep sharing because i also know the power of these steps when we work them .. coming here .. yep i'm working them admitting .. i truly am powerless over many things ..
MeTwo2 and Wanderer...thank you ....to hear and read ny words and thoughts in you reminds me im in the tightvplace . I found MIP for a reason. God bless...i wiill chat later. I need to go be mom
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
We do have good times...we all do but married live to an alc is unpredictable, tense, lonely, frustrating...on an on.. Any other moms out there struggling through like im trying to....would loveto connect. Godbless us
Hi there.
You know, the above in your post really struck a chord with me. My partner is an A. When she drinks (every night) I feel exactly all of those feelings. We have a child too and yes I just get it... it's depressing, I'm feeling quite flat at the moment really... just a feeling of 'Is this IT????'
Sending you some ESH and could do with some myself!
Thank u all for these responses and support. We all need a group hug...i just went down to our boat...where my ah and friends drank until thevwee hours and its a mess...disgusting.i grabbed the towels to wash but HE is doing the cleaning. Thats one way to take care of myself...but it still bugs me....hugs to all. Later
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I know that feeling of thinking what have I done bringing children into this mess. I realize now that I had no way of knowing what we would have to go through at the hands of this disease. We did not cause it, we cannot control it, we cannot cure it. And we could not have seen the future and avoided it.
I have three children and my AH is sober now almost 5 years. My 12 year old son is very affected. His self esteem and confidence is very low, but he is getting better. My 6 yo son does not remember his father's using/drinking. I worry more about him in some ways. He doesn't see the danger. My 2 yo daughter has never seen her dad crazy with the disease. Hopefully she never will, but it is in her genes and that scares me.
All I can do is give this all to HP, be the best Mom I can be and try not to radiate that fear too often. I can't see the future, so I need not dwell there. I live in today and do my best.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) to you all.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Theo, I sympathize with you and was glad to see someone else posting about mommy guilt. I feel the same. My kids are not getting a good bargain and I feel guilty what I brought them into. (((Hugs))).
Sounds so familiar. He's functioning but not really in there with you. You are the upstanding worker, sunday school teacher, girl scout troup leader, etc. Dad not there for her (in my case not there for them), she notices his odd behavior, etc. Finally when my kids were about 11 and 13 I very calmly and deliberately told DH I'd looked at an apartment and the kids and I were moving out next time he took a drink. We were lucky - he got in rehab right away and has been sober and inthe program ever since ~12 years. But my kids are not ok - they are still angry or hurt by his absence/distance all those years. I wish I'd gotten them in ala-teen instead of thinking I could just do it all for them and that it would then be ok.
