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OK, I knew this was just around the corner, and this morning it happened. His message sounded sober. The friend he is staying with is 13 years sober, and told him he cannot stay there if he is drinking. I would think that he stopped in order to live there.
First he "liked" a picture on my facebook. It was a saying that said, "At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life." Then he changed his status to single from engaged, then he changed his picture from the two of us to his kids. Then I un-friended him and then he sent me a message thru facebook. He said, he hopes that I am ok and that the cable bill, and water bill are coming due and for me to get them in my name if I can.
I also had made a comment on my facebook the other day that I want to go fishing. (Which is something the two of us loved to do together.) And in the end of his message he said, "I would go fishing with you if I was there. I hope you are doing alright." then a sad face.
So now I am sitting here teary eyed. I knew it would be super tough once he started to show kindness. And really it isn't kindness if I think of it like a normal person. He just left me, he left drunk, left me no money, hasn't been helping financially, took my engagement ring so he could sell it, and then acts sweet and nice in an email, but telling me to put more of the bills in my name.
Right? I am reading the "Hope you are doing OK?" part as kindness, and "I would go fishing with you" as a memory and a fun time. And none of this is nice! But, I am missing him when I read it. WTH? Ugh...
Help me remember that this is just more manipulation. I think it is, right? It's confusing with the nice "I care" tone.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I still remember the first months after I separated from my AH. He would call or text and leave me all sorts of mixed messages. It was hard to not want to hear or read them. He is my my addiction. The good news is, the more months you are removed from the pain of your relationship, the clearer things become and the closer you get to serenity. I used to stalk his friend's FB pages (he never posts on FB) and the pages of the bars he frequented. I even drove by his favorite watering holes looking for his truck to see where he was spending his time after I left. It was so hard to disengage and to detach with love! I still love him, but I hate his disease and what it did to our marriage. You will get through this- it's just really raw right and sad right now. I tried to keep busy, pray to my HP and go to Al-Anon meetings and this board as much as possible. Sending you lots of ESH right now!
My ex is blocked from seeing any of my social networks so that there is no comments for me to read into. I have obsessed a lifetime already over him. I will email or call when I need to chat about the kids or finances. I hope you can find a meeting. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I know this that as the partners of an A, we are the provokers. We know them better than they know us or they know themselves. A provoker is not a friend to the alcoholic in their eyes. We make them see what they dont want too in order for them to keep drinking. Your A is sober because those are boundaries that were given at this time or he has no place to live. My X A was forced into sober living, which was a good thing.
Who knows what he is thinking or feeling at this point, could be a number of things, but thats not for you to figure out. In order for us to heal we have to quit focusing on the A and turn it back to us. Remember to always look at their actions, not their words. Your A has a long way to go. Enough time for you to find serenity for yourself.
Thanks everyone. Interesting Bettina! Never looked at it like that before.
I went to the gym! I hadn't gone since March. I totally stopped going when my A started getting squirrely. When I walked in and saw myself in the full length mirrors, I realized I had lost a lot of muscle tone and looking a little jiggly. Yuck! I realized that I did that to myself, I started getting so wrapped up in him that I ignored my own body.
While on the treadmill I spent the entire time thinking about what got me to pick myself up and go to the gym. The fact that he is out of the house is one, and the fact that I know I need to take care of myself.
The email he sent this am came into focus while I was on the treadmill. Not once did he apologize or offer financial help. After everything, I realized that email was just all about him, and him getting his name off of the bills. Hoping I was doing ok? Not at all. Just words, no real meaning. If you and I lived together and you left, you would pay your share or care that you were leaving me with the mess. Right? So the fact that he mixed a few nice sentences in the email, was in my opinion, just to confuse me.
Lucky for me, I got that! Thank God I didn't reply!!
No reply for 6 months! I won't reply until after Jan 16th, 2013! (And at that point hopefully I won't even want to reply!)
This is good. I am feeling so much better right now. That run on the treadmill did it's job...for today.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Great awareness as to the intent and content of his email.
That is the reason alanon urges us to "NOT REACT" but to --- pause, process the information, understand what has been communicated and then "Respond " You did well to decide not to respond!!!
Kat, I know the pain too of what you're going through .. The confusion .. Out of an 11 year relationship with an addict and after everything i did for him, i expected some kind of grand departure of drama when he did finally leave .. but that was it .. He just left .. Left me with nothing but recovery .. The best thing he at least could have left me with .. I recognize today major areas of manipulation .. Action used to make us Feel a certain way .. Words used to make us feel a certain way .. My part was I would look at his calling me just before coming home as action .. the problem is .. yep it was action but it was still manipulation .. The big picture of his actions absolutely didn't match his words .. i see the times when he would call and say i want recovery (just before coming home) .. he even took the action to attend a couple of meetings but they never stuck .. My experience is mine only .. whatever the future will be though, it's why it's important to focus on us .. to be prepared for anything that may or may not come .. the only way i can do that is to work on me so that i am better prepared to handle whatever comes my way .. and actually even though i typed this as i have .. the truth ? i don't know to this day if i did what i did for him or for me .. I think i was trying to prolong my own pain if i'm honest .. my trying to fix him was for me .. I was the one who wasn't comfortable with his behavior ..
Thanks! Everyone's input is so interesting. All of it makes me think! Thank you.
I have to remember he did buy a round trip ticket. So, I have to be very aware. Being honest, I would love if he would have gotten sober and stayed sober. It would have been great for me, and for the life I planned to have with him. So, that makes a lot of sense. But, for me now...I need peace and living with an alcoholic, did not bring me peace. Even during the time when he was sober and working his program, I never felt peace. I was ALWAYS waiting for him to drink again. What a miserable way to live.
Now get this! My stupid cat keeps pooping in the house. He did this the last time my AF was gone. I am ready to scream. Three times today he did it! I just cleaned my carpets last week. I think my cat needs a meeting.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
It really is. When I told my AF about this the last time he was gone, he said, "Ziggy is a very emotional cat." But, so weird how the animals are affected by this. You are so right! Ziggy would always lay on AF at night when we were watching TV, he would purr and act like he was in heaven. I guess he misses that. Ugh. I could send Ziggy to the East Coast I guess! LOL
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I used to read into the little sad faces and all the missing yous and I will always love yous in his letters. Thank goodness neither of us do Facebook. What I thought was him reaching out and being sweet was him really just manipulating me to keep me hanging on. I didn't get it until the last time he did it with me. He told me he would never stop loving me. He caressed me and told me how beautiful I was. He fixed the strap on my dress and held my hand. But...he is staying with the new gf because blah blah blah. I don't trust that nice guy act of his anymore. It is not real. It just sucks us in. Liar liar pants on fire. Talking about him is so getting me wound up. Need to read a little. Focusing on the A is taking the focus off me. Weird how fast and tricky our little codependent minds are.
Nice to hear you feeling better with all of this and moving on. I'm sure you don't have much trouble separating out which of his comments are genuine and which are manipulative after having him around every day.
Just thought that crossed my mind... I wonder if your exabf is getting emotional mileage from that saying under your picture and is believing it's about him and taking it as an invitation to keep contacting you.
You sound like you know what you deserve. Keep strong and keep coming back. Lots of unconditional love to be found on this board. Hugs. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 22nd of July 2012 09:40:17 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Kat- you don't deserve "snippets" of a nice person. You don't even deserve nice 90 percent and total nightmare 10 percent. You deserve to be happy and IF you choose to be with someone, you deserve for them to be kind, respectful, mature, and your equal 100 percent of the time.
You are worthy of love from yourself and others. You don't need to settle. Also - Forgiveness is good for your soul - but you know the old saying about forgiving versus forgetting right?
I think you are correct about the exaf getting emotional mileage from the saying in the picture. Also, the fishing comment. He hasn't made any further contact, so maybe my silence is doing the job. I can only hope. Thank you!
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I think face book, twitter etc are some of the most emotionally stunting things, they keep us trapped in the'I'll just have a quick check' mode and, to me, can be as addictive as any drug. I withdrew from all of that, in the beginning when I felt myself moving toward the computer I diverted to a bit of Alanon reading or called a friend or went for a walk. When I finally deleted the accounts it was empoweringmy mood for the day was no longer chosen by anotheronly me myself & I.
I think you are doing great, it will get easier, progress not perfection.
