The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just need some hugs or support. Today my AH was discharged from the detox unit at the hospital. He had been there since Sunday. I refused to pick him up. His counselor at the hospital actually made me feel guilty about it, telling me that "most addicts are not capable of doing this alone. They need some support." I still said no, I would not come to get him. Then I went this morning and spent a couple thousand dollars that I had to take from my retirement account to file papers asking for a legal separation. It was so hard and I haven't been able to stop crying about it. I want so, so much for him to get well, come home, and be my husband and my kid's dad. I miss him so much. I do not miss the alcoholism. I do not miss the fact that I can't even let him go three miles down the road to the grocery store to get milk and not have him come home drunk. I do not miss my eight year old son's showing OCD tendencies when his dad is in the house, restlessly searching every nook and cranny for hidden bottles of vodka. My other eight year old, who is autistic, missed his meds this morning, but you would have never known it because he was so much calmer and quieter than he has been all summer. I didn't hear my four year old scream once today or tell anyone he hated them. Why am I sitting here crying because I took the first step to end our marriage, and why am I sitting here worrying about where he is and whether or not he is drinking right now? I hate this. I hate alcohol. When I went into the grocery store tonight to grab a gallon of milk, it took a lot of will power to keep from just smashing every bottle of wine I saw. I hate what it has done to all of us and our families. Please pray for me that I keep up the strength to make my AH stay away. It's so hard when the person you are used to being able to turn to when you are scared, sick, or in pain becomes the very one who is making you feel scared, sick, and in pain. I just miss what we had...it's so unfair that it has been just snatched from me.
Hugs, just know you don't have to walk this path alone. Sending love and support.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
(((((Holivex)))))...prayers coming your way. Do you have any Al-Anon literature?...The page of the day in our daily reader, Hope for Today was right on your present condition and concern...It might be helpful. Since I can post it on the board I'll PM you with it. Call Al-Anon hotline and see how they can help you. ((((hugs))))
2 years ago in october...I got the same feedback. My exA was in detox...and over the phone I told him he could not live with me and the kids anymore. He was with his counselor at the center when i did that...so I figured it was the safest way for him to work through that news.
I had "supported" him for 28 years, and several rehabs and relapses...yet I still got judgement from others for not "being there."
There comes a point when you have to save yourself and the kids, rather than letting the A sink the ship.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done. 2 years later...my life isn't easy as a single working mom, but it is stable, and much more predictable.
Trust your instincts....and know that others will always judge...but also remember that they have every right to be wrong
Hang in there...One day at a time....one day at a time...
For right now, you've made a decision to do what you feel is best for taking care of you and your kids. Your hp will guide you as to what comes next. Jerry suggested Alanon literature. I know that really can help me during stressful times.
One day at a time. Keep sharing.
Hugs
TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Sorry you're going through this - it brings back strong memories for me as well.....
One interesting footnote, that hadn't occurred to me until it happened.... I was feeling guilty about the same thing - here was my AW, struggling in a treatment center, trying to get better, and here I was - mean old Tom - wanting out of the marriage..... I had tons of guilt about the whole thing and yes, my A definitely played on this guilt.....
Sitting with one of her counselors one day, however, opened my eyes some.... He told me "IF you are sure this is the path you want to go (i.e. divorce/separation), there is no better time for you to do it than when she is in this facility.... She will be surrounded with support and information here, much better than if she were out there on her own"
Staying vs Leaving is a huge decision that most of us have either dealt with, or are going to have to deal with.... There is obviously no one right or wrong answer for us, as each situation is unique.... I just wanted to share that tidbit about the support that they have, while in treatment/detox....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hope it works out for you (and I think it coule be much better for the kids, though it isn't my place to say since I don't know you situation at all - but my kids are sort of train wrecks because of A dad in their life way back when - I keep thinking should have left when they were younger).
As ACOA, I want to thank you for taking care of your children and recognizing the stress that befalls them. I'm 62yrs old and can remember like it was yesterday, what it was like when my A Father came home drunk - I remember it but, ya know, I can't put the feelings into words - just that I wanted to hide; always living on edge of fear and chaos. No one ever stepped up on our behalf, just told us that we had to keep quiet & not disturb Dad.
It's such a shame that children often end up the collateral damage of this disease. Again, thank you for making your children a priority - they deserve nothing less than peace & serenity in their lives.
Believe in yourself..you have the courage to face this challenge and just remember, one day at a time...just today.....that thought got me through alot...
