I'm stubborn and I know it.  I like me and my personality but I like knowing my limitations.  So through this whole relapse experience with my BF (been going between calling him ABF and RBF.. just going to stick with BF) I've had to really face that I might have made some huge strides in my illness (who am I kidding, multiple.. codependent, enabler, etc) - it's going to be awhile before I'm strong in them.

I don't beat myself up anymore I got past that.  I am not mad at myself for finding out my boundaries weren't enough and the other lessons I got delivered by my HP.

I just keep moving forward and refuse to give up.  That spirit of stubbornness is all I have at the end of the day.  Get back up, brush off.

Ok so despite it nearly killing me internally I sat back and watched from a safe distance as my BF ended up homeless, sleeping in his car and I spent a couple of days in this whole 'give him to HP' - 'take him back I can do this better'.  I worried, I told myself stories (I guess some call this catastrophizing?), it was awkward.  What I wanted to do was fix it but I KNEW not to do that.  So I just had to keep talking to friends, sponsor and God over and over.

All of a sudden I realized without me, he and my HP got through the worst first night just fine.  WITHOUT me.  Sheesh.

So then God decided I needed to really GET that I need him and that I am not invincible and that I can trust him.  Short version is, a hour (2 plus miles) into a trail ride with 2 other strangers, my horse I lease had what can only be described as a panic attack.  He spooked, began bucking, spent 10 minutes off and on trying to unload me (if nothing else, I guess I can ride LOL), freaking himself out more and because of a low bridge I had to dismount (or risk a concussion or worse were he to buck under it) and walk home this giant 2000 pound freaking out horse (did I mention he's BIG?).

I spent that next hour praying, remaining calm and realizing that God was all I had in that moment.  The other riders were keeping an eye on me at a distance but when they got close, he freaked out more. There were several moments where I saw hooves flying - he body slammed me several times, he head butted me a few times and I had to maintain my stern, calm, in control voice knowing that one stupid move could end either of our lives.  I've been around horses my entire life - never have I been around one in a panic attack for over an hour, through residential streets, across a bike trail, down a ravine, across a field...

I got back, my legs were jello, I was nearing heat exhaustion (it was 90 and I lost the water bottle an hour into the walk back) and later that night I realized that I can't do it all.  It's just an illusion.

So my BF came to visit and I sat with him and he was quietly crying (that big guy don't let anyone see me deal) and I sat next to him and prayed and gave him to God and let go.

An hour later, BF tells me how he is glad that I didn't rescue him and he wishes he'd ended up homeless sooner.  That it was a blessing because while recognizing his home was suddenly a car and stuck with nothing but stores surrounding him, no one to report to, he stayed sober anyway and he suddenly realized he was stronger than he thought.  Then he spent the rest of the day arranging to rent a room and by last night he told me he had found a place.

He's been going to meetings, multiple given being homeless and the heat we've had here, he's sober still and he did not even flinch at my new boundaries.

Had I rescued him, I would have taken away his chance to see that he could do this on his own.  And really rescuing him would have been for me.  It would have been to relieve my own pain from knowing what he was going through and not trusting my HP.  Not to "help him" like I may have tried to tell myself.

What does it all mean? No idea.  Right now, I am so glad my HP showed me these things.  I've got better boundaries, I can change them if I find I need to and I can learn.  That's what matters at the moment.