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Hi-
I am feeling confused and could really use some advice or at least know that others have experienced something like this before and I am not alone.
My recoving fiancée doownfall has always been his friends. He is very young, 23 but sought help and went to rehab on his own 2 years ago. He was sober for a year and a half before having a one night relapse, but has been sober from that time on. He does this when he hangs out with his friends. The issue is that these friends are not just drinking buddies, they have all been friends sense 1st grade. He will not "abandon" them. They however, knowing of his issues and visiting him at rehab, still will allow him to drink when they hang out. What kind of friend does that? I don't understand it. Anyway, I can tell that he is not happy lately and that means he wants to hang out with his friends. The issue is, he can't seem to do that without drinking, so I do not support him doing that. (we live together). I do not think that is wrong of me to have a issue with him hanging out with them. Am I supported to just say, sure have a good time when I know what is going to happen?
So today he tells me that he wants to have one day a month when he can go out and party with no questions asked. My response was, I think we both know that is not healthy for you.
He has to know he can't do that and be healthy. But he tells me he wants to drink and it devastates me. The conversation ended and he hasn't brought it up again, but I know that he wants to do it and I feel out of control.
Oh yeah, we have been together for 6 years, and are getting married in a month. should I call it off?
There are no problems except when he says things like this. I guess I am looking for some validation.
Sounds like he's not done drinking and although you both know it's not healthy for him to go out drinking once a month or that once a month with eventually be everyday, it will need to be his mistake to make and learn from. I have the feeling that your upcoming wedding may also play into his fear and desire to revert to comfortable, yet destructive behaviors and you are attempting to assert control over him to ensure he is still the man you want to marry. I encourage you to attend meetings and read some of the posts here to learn about your disease. There is not a clear cut answer to whether you should marry or not, but for today Let Go and Let G-d. It is not your job to hold him together. His decisions are between him and his higher power while yours belong to you. Sending you lots of positive energy and strength to grow, Chaya
srn2 - nobody can tell you whether or not to call off your wedding but I think we all, including you, know that one day a month will turn into one day a week and sooner or later be every day - especially if he continues socialising with these so-called friends. You have been going through this for six years - do you want to continue?
Probably friends that do not truly do not understand that nature of alcoholism. I believe if they truly knew, they wouldn't even want him around when they are drinking. Some of his friends might have problems with drinking, too.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I agree with all 3 of the folks that responded to you. Chaya really hit it on the head. It does not sound like he is done drinking. It does sound like it's related to his possibly not being fully ready to settle down or also not liking you controlling his choices. Of course your logic is sound and he should want to be sober - but this disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Sometimes folks think that when they get a bit older, or their life changes some, they can drink again. In actuality - if you had to hit rehab at 21 - odds are that it will just get worse if you drink again.
Also, his friends are not his downfall. His alcoholism is the issue. Friends don't make him drink any more than you do. Nor do they make him recover. All of that rests within him. Do you really want a husband that you have to restrict his friendships your whole lives?
Aloha srn2...It's good that you have the information and experience now rather than after the wedding. What does your gut tell you. It sounds like you are fearful. I was and I didn't listen to my gut...I did the same thing over again hoping for different results. Got the same results and more insanity.
I had to change how I looked at the evidence and then behaved with it. I married my alcoholic/addict wife when I was really considering letting her go and the insanity increased to a level I could never have imagined even from the first addict marriage.
What ever he decides he gets the consequences directly and you indirectly and of course that goes with your decision too. You've been with him for a while and experienced the before and the after of treatment/recovery. Relapse is the before treatment and exacerbated to a high level because this is a progressive disease.
What consequences does srn2 want? Do you know what to do to get those consequences? I learned all about that from inside the program of Al-Anon and honestly AA also. Choose the consequence and do the thing. Get a Higher Power and a sponsor and a home group. In support (((((hugs)))))
Nobody makes another person drink if they dont want to. A person that allows their friends to influence them is immature and has no self Identity and needs people to point the finger at. He is letting you know he is going to continue drinking married or not.
The question is what are you going to do.? Its up to you, but at least he warned you.
Asking your permission raises a large red flag for me. It is a setup for where blame can fall when another's drinking progresses. I don't think anything good has ever come of taking on the role of gatekeeper with addiction. His drinking, sobriety or recovery is his to manage. AlAnon teaches us the 3 C's ... we did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it.
My husband started that with me too before his relapse. His low life drinking buddies were always on my back saying why can't I let him have a good time. Even though they didn't have three DUI's under their belt. I know it was his decision, but they did help edge it along. They even called me a controlling bitch and then he would start pouting at functions because he was not drinking and became verbally abusive towards me. He started sneak drinking and then told me he was not going to sneak anymore he was a man an deserved it!! It escalated and I had to leave and turned into a 4th DUI. Listen to what he is telling you. He is warning you - he wants to drink. His desire to drink became stronger that his need for our marriage and he is alone drinking by his choice because he wants to do it openly and I make him feel guilty even if I ignore it.
Jelene, thanks for this description... I came to think the same these days, that actually my ABF did warn me, if one listens openly, they tell you. He is even accusing me of loving him, even THAT makes him feel guilty ( 'you are loving the worst worst guy, how can you?'!!!!).... Is it a scream of help, a 'want-to-get-caught' to make the evidence clearer that he has a problem, caught in addiction, loss of control over himself, or a warning for me to get out when it's still time, because he doesn't believ he can...maybe that's his way of showing me that he still loves me, i don't know....much interpretation here..but YEs, it truly believe, I should be brave enough to listen what he says, even though he sometimes masks it in accusation or blaming, his natural defense I guess. I is not responsible or brave enough to accuse his proper disease, alcoholism, so he's looking for people to share that load with him.... my guess, maybe I'm wrong, finding excuses myself...but it all makes sense, we are only human after all.
My husband said that he could not live up to my expectations and fail again. Whether he really means this or it's another excuse to drink I do not know. I know that it means he feels he can't and is not willing to try. I told him I could not control him or his drinking and that was on him and he has chosen for us not to get back together now. You have to decide if you can live with his drinking or not. Once they realize that you have issues with it, I guess they feel there not measuring up that we see them as week. I guess he will find someone who can drink right along with him, I just know if was not for me. I thought I could do this, if he just drinks and doesn't run his mouth, I can do my own thing. I really know I can't, he appears immature and acts like an ass when he drinks and it turns me off. He sees this and starts the verbal attacks to put me down and tearing up the house. Maybe your relationship is different and you can deal with detaching. It's really going to be up to you to decide for yourself. Good luck.
Thank you. After this conversation, I did ask if he was happy in this relationship and if he still wanted to be in it. He said yes and of course. I asked him that to give him a out, because I thought that could be what he really was trying to say to me. He hasn't brought drinking up again, and didn't call any of his friends. However, I can tell he is not in a good mood. MaybeK this is something he just needs to learn to deal with and I should just step away. I feel that he was having a pitty party for himself and things he can't do anymore. And I do understand that, he is very young to be dealing with this. But, it is something that needs to be grieved and accepted. He is in a fine mood this morning. I think I will just going to let it go for now. I can't control it anyway.
Going to AA and hanging around sober people would give him a way to have friends that don't pull him in the direction of alcohol - but again - that's not your issue - it's his.
...they have all been friends sense 1st grade. He will not "abandon" them.
So today he tells me that he wants to have one day a month when he can go out and party with no questions asked. My response was, I think we both know that is not healthy for you. He has to know he can't do that and be healthy. But he tells me he wants to drink and it devastates me.
Your boyfriend sounds as if he believes he's invinsible - more powerful than his disease. Maybe he has misinterpreted his recovery time to mean that he can drink responsibly now and stop when he wants to. Because he relapsed for just 1 day and then didn't drink again, he may think this is a skill he can acquire and keep. I will digress to the doublewinners here to comment more about that.
What I do know, is that there are 2 kinds of drinkers, those who binge (lets say on weekends for instance) and put alcohol down (during the days they have to be at work) and those who drink daily. To me, either way you've got an active alcoholic.
I didn't hear you mention that he is in AA and has an AA sponsor. This is where his new non drinking buddies are. My own recovering abf had to leave lots of these guys behind. He left behind playing certain sports with them and knows there are sober leagues available for him to join. He's told me the primary activity with his former friends was not the sport they played it was the drinking. Maybe your fiance' can examine his own motive for wanting to pursue these friendships from his past. If he truly wants to stay sober, he may want to see who amongst his friends is will really accept him as a sober man. We know that you do as his best friend. Is his wish to be accepted by the guys greater than his desire to stay clean? Is he just looking to rationalize a way to continue drinking again? Is he capable of facing himself honestly about such questions?
You have a serious decision ahead of you - marriage. He has made a serious claim about his ability to drink responsibly. In your shoes, I would end up feeling haunted all month by thoughts of whether he was going to get wasted at the wedding.
I guess I am looking for some validation.
We love our alcoholics but we always need to love ourselves just a little more than we love them. I would ask myself honestly what the payoff would be for getting married next month instead of waiting. When I have big decisions to make, more Alanon meetings, calling my sponsor and time with the god of my understanding has really helped me. Additionally getting an outside perspective from close friends and family members has helped at times. I can think for myself however, there are times when we are so deep into a situation we can't see what might be obvious to people outside of the situation. Those who know us well can spot if we are not our usual carefree selves, if we seem more troubled than happy.
From my personal experience, the relationship I still have today were solid enough to stand the test of time. Good luck with the choices ahead of you. Hugs - TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I use to ask the A if he was happy in the relationship? His answer was always "of course", Do you love me? answer "of course". This was always to make me feel better, to know I was in it because of our mutual LOVE. That it was all ok as long as he loved me. Love will conquer all they say....it took me some years to realize that, like the song, "the greatest love of all is the love of myself.
Alcoholics dont like to rock the boat, they want to continue their drinking at all costs, while they weave themselves into a mess. I could go on and mention all the messes the A got himself into, there was 28 years of messes.
This is my opinion from my experience. I didnt know anything about the disease of alcoholism like I mentioned. If I had known I can say with conviction , I would have never married him, for some years it had me fooled, manipulated into thinking I was a bad wife. I blamed myself for his drinking, I was into my disease very deeply. It had me stymied, till Alanon.....
I always liked what Loretta had to say in the movie "Moonstruck" , " I have choices you know, I can say yes to somethings and no to other things. Those lines always stayed with me.
One thing for sure, never say no to the choice of Alanon, keep coming back.
Such great posts here. I wanted to add. You say " Am I supported to just say, sure have a good time when I know what is going to happen". Yes! I do believe so. His choices are his, and the consequences will be his. You can't hold back the floodgates of alcoholism. It's too powerful and strong for anyone. Only his HP can help him recover if and when he chooses to. You have also made reference to him being very young. Is this your gut trying to tell you something? When we are in the midst of a disfunctional relationship we ignore the red flags, but they are there in our subconscious All the same. What works firms is praying for knowledge of Gods will and the courage to carry it out. No specifics, like please change him! If you pray for your HP's will for your life to become known to you, your HP will let you know. Making decisions when we are very confused doesn't make for good results.
