Any thoughts for me? - Al-Anon Family Group

willowtree · Veteran Member

Any thoughts for me?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like you are headed in the right direction with the meetings, do you have a sponor to help ground you in your program? I hear you say what you want to do, then you ask if it's okay. If you feel like seeing your parents 3 or 4 times a year, yes that is okay, if you know that your Mom will hurt you if you share private things with her, than you know what you have to keep private, it is hard to trust yourself when you have done things the same way all your life, but know you are ready for change. Take care of yourself, believe you know what is best for you, because you have to answer to yourself at the end of the day, so try not to over compromise yourself for anyone. As I worked through the steps most my guilt has fallen away it takes time and diligence. It takes time to relearn how to protect yourself and to turn things over to HP and coming here and reading and posting is a great move also. Keep making the next best decision for your well being and you will get there, it is about progress and not perfection. We are human and that is definitely okay. Sending you love and support!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Willow,

You didn't mention if you have a sponsor or not? For me really getting in and doing more than just the reading doing the actual work has been a blessing.

I have recently called the relationship my mom and I have the dysfunctional duo and it doesn't diminish the love I have for her .. it's just we bring out the sick in each other big time.

When I go to visit I try and break things up, I have my meetings I will attend while I am there; the kids are there so we can focus on them vs just on each other; I am learning qualified trust which is something a long timer posted about fairly recently and that has meant a great deal to me. That means I don't trust people with things they can't be trusted with it's not that they are bad people, .. I just know that's not a place to go. Most of all I am not expecting out of my mom what she can not give. AND .. I do myself the same favor and grant myself the fact that I am human and I will not be perfect. I just am not. So as we visit I tend to go through and go any visit without a CNN moment is a great visit. Jerry Springer is not knocking on the door asking us to be on the show via referral. My mom can not go back and change the past any more than I can .. she did the best that she could at the time and all of my therapists agree it sucked .. it is what it is and I have a choice to stay stuck in the past or to move forward the best way I can.

I do have a plan B for when things get to intense .. that means going out alone for about 30 min or so and when that doesn't work waiting until I can and knowing that it will be ok and that I can do that .. can she have a fit .. absolutely .. it's not going to change my plan A of taking care of myself. In all fairness I'm better when I have an opportunity to get myself together.

Something that has helped me a GREAT deal is working with a sponsor and working the steps. It is one day at a time and it's not easy to say the least when our past starts crashing into our present.

Hugs P :)

Too hard · Senior Member

It is often very hard to be with family or friends when one has been hurt.

As I have not really grasped your situation I can only say...

A boundries is a behaviour that you have decided to put up to protect yourself.

Detachment is one of the tools of Al-Anon and behaviour flows from that.

e.g. If you are visiting your parents, give yourself permission to set a time limit on how long you will be there, maybe one hour. This is an example of how long you intend to stay and when you intend to leave and you can state that when you arrive, without excuses.

If you have a sponser or counsellor this type of boundrey can be decided by you before you visit.

If the talk and discussion strays into areas where you do not want to go, you can choose to say "I'm not wanting to talk about that just now, today,... maybe another time."

If your mother becomes upset...that is her problem.

I do not know if this is what you are looking for?

Good Luck T.H.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been through that. I moved 1000 miles away - partially to not be so close. My life is not meant to be that closely intertwined with my mom and dad. My mother is really critical and she guilts me if I don't do things her way or if she sees a problem with anything. She has very little tact and if something seems wrong to her - she will say it. For whatever reason my sisters seem to have grown up with healthier self-esteem and they just blow her comments off most the time. But they do get annoyed. I don't get annoyed any more for a few reasons:

1. I used to be a screwy and needy person so I figured I deserved her criticisms. Really those criticisms came from a place of worry but they never came out sounding loving to me. Either way, I feel good about myself and her criticisms are less frequent cuz of my health and also cuz I don't take it personally.

2. She stopped guilting me about calling her all the time when I refused to feel guilty and made it clear what my boundaries were. She used to try and reach me through my friends and romantic partners (i.e., call them and try to get me to call her)....It doesn't work and also she knows I'm healthier and taking care of myself better so her compulsive worrying and instrusiveness is not necessary (not that it ever really was).

3. Cannot change my mom. She is 72. She has changed some and mellowed out herself over time. There is so much to love about her - It's not worth total avoidance. I handle her in 3 or 4 day trips a few times a year. That is perfect for me. I talk to her on the phone every other week or so.

I guess at the root of it all - It's the same as what guards us best against relationships with alcoholics - I feel better about myself. I set boundaries. Therefore, I can't be hurt so easily.

willowtree · Veteran Member

No, I don't have a sponsor yet. I really need to get one soon. I guess I need to establish boundaries with her and keep some distance too. I need to give myself time limits to how long I will spend with her. When I go on Monday I think I will tell her that i want to take things really slow - (hopefully that will help her not text me every day) I don't want her to get upset about it but the thing is that..........I have lived almost my whole life worrying about her feelings and if she will be mad at me. With the 4 year break we had it was SO nice to develop my own identity now I am so worrying that I will go backwards!!! I don't want my parents to get mad at me for keeping tons of distance but at the same time - I know I need it!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Willow...and yes boundaries have doors in them or else they become jail cells. Learning about acceptance...of "them" and of "myself" at the same time was very very helpful. My parents were crazy just like the majority of the world back then I thought until I was taught that I could not leave myself out of that picture and then I came to understand that it was only "some-times" not "all-the-time" when life was perfectly insync. Surely I could learn to give grace and understanding and mercy when all those other people were not doing life the way I wanted it. I became accepting and changable. Those were good lessons and now I can be around people, places and things which I normally would not associate with, without loosing my "self". I had to laugh in early recovery at the responses from others as they honestly (by request) answered my question "How do you see me"?...."Honestly". They loved and trusted me and I had learned that also so the honest responses presented me with pictures which were very often very different than how I saw myself. I need the feed back on the only advisor I listen to resides in my head which is a neighborhood that is very dangerous to be in at times. Compassion...knowing and accepting where my mother and father came from helped to understand and "feel with" them. I knew their stories because I lived their stories and that compassion brought us very very close together and we shared the same Father...How cool is that? I learned in boundary settings that "No" is a complete sentences and that I could say it and mean it without saying it mean and act upon it with courage, dignity and integrity. I forget the number of that lesson in Al-Anon but will never forget the teachers. Gone or still here they are the elders who helped me save my own life. Many are here on this board if you would listen with an open mind and keep coming back and then pass on to others what you learn that works.

(((((hugs))))) In support. smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

you know I don't see where or what made ya feel good about reconsiling. i felt a lot of should, guilt, maybe it wasn't reconsiling at all but more you made comtact.

I guess I would rather you tell me what you need from me. If you just want to come around once in awhile fine. send me a note once in awhile. Just keep in touch,.

Our kids are meant to go off and have their own lives. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I wish my daughter would just say what she wants and stop holding things in,. I know she had a tough time when her daddy died and she blamed me, she still does.

to me hon, the best thing to do is to be true to yourself. You want to see her just a few times a year, so do that. Its up to you as an adult to face what you need and put that into practice.,

I know I just want my kiddos happy, and if that means they need to be away from me, well ok.

please take care of you., how mom responds is her choice, you have no control over that. hugs,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.