The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I took every precaution to protect a certain portion of my life and laid out the boundary with well defined lines and consequences when i made the decision to stay a part of my exAH's support system. He knew them and crossed them.
I handled it well the other day. Compassion, simple explanation and severed ties. I have taken the steps to stop communication but refuse to not answer my phone at every number I do not know ... if I could practice this I may but I have business to conduct.
And I am losing sight of the SICK sign and compassion. When I get a twisted manipulation message, especially the "really after 19 years and all we've been through you are gonna do this?", all I want to do is scream to anyone who will listen that I am not gonna celebrate 20 years of this %^& and the "been through" part is a direct result of his actions NOT the result of life traumas the produce healthy love and trust bonds to other people.
The worse part is I am angry at myself. And all I can hear for a portion of the day is a replay of a counseling session in which he told the counselor, "I like seeing how far I can push people until they go away and then have the challenge of them getting back". At the time I set them aside to the ramblings of a very addiction sick person ... now I just think they may have been the truest words he ever spoke in front of me. The counselor told me that addiction was a minor issue of my exAH's issues but I obviously was not in a frame of mind to really HEAR it at that point. I hear it now.
Wow Jennifer..... all I could think of, when reading your post, is that we get reminded so many times, that people will and do show us who they are....
That statement he said to the counselor, does kind of say it all, does it not?
Keep working on you - you're well worth the effort.... his words are kind of empty at the moment, don't ya think??
I wish you well, whatever path you choose
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The counselor obviously had a strong reaction. The counselor may not have known that addiction often goes hand and hand with some serious personality pathology. In this case it would seem that sociopathic and narcissistic is the behavior that goes along with the addiction.
He could have changed the statement to "After all you've put up with from me, why leave me now?" and that would have been much more accurrate it sounds like. It's always all about the alcoholic/addict. Just supporting your own growth and confidence. I know it's not easy to come to these realizations.
Tom - Yes, the words are empty and been repeated so many times that I do not even hear them anymore. I am grateful though that my sever ties boundary was crossed within months of his move back here. And that a couple smaller ones like showing up at my home drunk in the middle of the night were first to give me a little bt of practice ... I got a little lazy not having to define and maintain them for so long.
Mark - It was a strong reaction and only mentioned to me after many visits after my exAH stopped attending the sessions at my request due to lying to the counselor. Seemed pointless to pay to listen to lies I could hear for free at home when I could use the counseling When my exAH was diagnosed as bipolar while taking a bottle of over the counter speed then drinking to go to sleep ... I kind of developed the mindset of the chicken and egg situation. Which came first I have no idea but as long as all those behaviors are present, I can not be, even in a minor capacity anymore. I like your wording better on his statement ... it is more accurate on the why's of my decision.
BF - I can always feel the support sent and appreciate it greatly. I am down to two to three messages a day now, maybe I will get to keep my phone yet.
When my exAH was diagnosed as bipolar while taking a bottle of over the counter speed then drinking to go to sleep ... I kind of developed the mindset of the chicken and egg situation. Which came first I have no idea but as long as all those behaviors are present, I can not be, even in a minor capacity anymore. I like your wording better on his statement ... it is more accurate on the why's of my decision.