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My AH and I have had struggles with this disease for about 2-3 years now. He would binge drink for weeks then "stop" then go right back to it. It was a living nightmare. He was never violent, just passed out and our 4 year old son had to watch it all, and I could not control the rage that came over me when I would come home at 4 pm and he's at home drunk, not working... again. I finally told him he had to go, so he moved out, lost his job the next month, went on a 2 month binge, ended up in ICU several times, developed pancreatitis, which is another awful disease, and ended up going to rehab. He came out a new person, dedicated to change and never go back. He did his 90 meetings in 90 days and put so much effort into it that I allowed him back in for another shot at our marriage and family. He changed everything about himself, was sober over 200 days, the only problem was, I didn't. I didn't drink or have alcohol in the house, but looking back, during the time he came back, it was like I did the exact same thing to him and our son that he did, but without the substance. I was in a depression and I didn't even realize it. I can't help but think its from all the struggles before, just an extension of it. I let it go on to the point that he was so stressed that he relapsed. And I Know that it's his choice to let that monster back in, but I can't help but feel grief and guilt about it. Now I've moved out this time and he's so far gone, that i think he may die, because with pancreatitis you cannot drink, and this is week 3 of the binge. I tried to take him to the hospital today but he ended up walking out because he got so angry at me, telling me I should have protected him from this, he would protect me. It is my responsibility as a wide to protect him. And that he begged me for weeks and months, I knew this would happen but I let it happen. This is all the things I've been drilled with for weeks. It's my living nightmare all over again.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of encouragement or hope would be appreciated. Sorry so long, it's been a long struggle.
I don't know that I have an answer for you but I can relate to the bad feelings that are still there and don't just go away because they are attempting to recover. The sober person in the relationship has been through a trauma too. If I were in your situation, I would continue to offer to take him to the hospital but be prepared that he may refuse. Does he have any family that could help you approach him? It sounds like he put in a great effort before and maybe he could do it again.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Wow, I'm so sorry that he's blaming you for his choices. It's not your fault that he chose to drink. He has a disease and it's very powerful, more powerful than you. He's using you as his excuse because it's the easy way out. There were other choices he could have made. He could have moved out again, he could have recognized the signs and been honest with you and then got help again, or he could have just been honest to begin with and told you that you were becoming an issue and that it was triggering his illness. You don't live in his head, you are just you. Not saying that we(as the codependents) don't have our own faults but we are not responsible for anyone else but ourselves. Just as he can't blame you for his drinking, you can't blame him because we all have choices. Choices to leave, choices to stay, choices to set the appropriate boundaries.
Have you been to an Al Anon meeting? These meetings have been a lifesaver for me and I hope you can someday make it to a meeting. You need healing, too. Sending you lots of support today!
What concerns me the most in reading you post is that your seem to believe some of the bullcrap he is feeding you. Being in recovery and in AA, I can tell you, there's never an excuse good enough to drink. I have seen other alcoholics in AA use the program to stay sober through getting their houses robbed, their spouses dying, their children dying.... Yet somehow he really seems to think you caused enough "stress" to make him relapse? Stress from what? Life has stress and it's not our job or anyone elses to insulate an alcoholic from stress. They have to use their own program of recovery to learn to deal with it. Usually when the rest of us face stress, we use coping skills and deal with the problem. Throwing alcohol on top of it makes it worse. Hence, the "you made me stressed" response is a pretty lame one. You could have told him you hated him and left him out of nowhere and that would STILL not be a good excuse to drink. The saying is "only an alcoholic finds themself in a hole and keeps on digging."
My guess is that he knows how bad he screwed up and is using the tactic of blaming you to prolong having to take a hard look at himself. It's also an emergency tactic to wear you down so you don't walk out (if you think you had a part in this). Also, I'm thinking he probably truly hates himself because it's pretty clear his drinking is going to lead to death and he has a deathwish. That is sickness on a level that is well beyond your power to create, cure, and/or control. Please know that. Of course alanon will help reinforce this too and it is always there for you.
You have received many great responses already, and definitely Pinkchip has more credibility around this issue than I do, as he speaks from personal experience....
All I would add is that one of the most basic fundamental truths in our program is the Three C's - and if you are to accept/believe that these are true (I believe them 100% to be true) - then you cannot "cause his drunkenness" anymore than you can "cause his sobriety". You could be either end of the spectrum - either the nicest, most loving wife in the history of the world, OR the meanest, most hateful wife in the history of the world - and regardless, you are NOT responsible for his decision to drink.
He drinks.... because he is an alcoholic.
Please keep choosing recovery, for the sake of yourself and your son..... If you get yourself better, and healthier - it will help you, it will help your son, and it may even help your AH....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow, Pinkchip, your post helped me more than you know. Thank you for that. I was feeling a bit of guilt for it, but you are completely right, I can't pad his whole life just so he doesn't relapse again. He is going to the hospital today with someone else, I just told him that I hope he heals his soul. I have completely left it out if my hands this time, after he left the hospital, and I have felt somewhat of a huge relief knowing im powerless over it and it's not up to me to "fix". I learned that from this group and I'm very grateful for that. I guess we'll see how it goes and I will try to just take care of myself and my son. Thanks to all for posting.
I'm glad Pinkchip's post helped you see the reality of what happened. I recently struggled through a similar situation myself with no-so-great consequences to me. I believed then and believe now that anyone in recovery whose relationship has survived the madness MUST have relationship counseling as part of their recovery program. IMHO, anyone who stays with an active alcoholic/addict has some degree of dysfunctionality within themselves or s/he would have never stayed. At any rate, living through it means you have been the brunt of emotional abuse at the minimum. It's a three-way street. Their issues, our issues and relationship issues and all three need to be on the road to recovery, separately and together. In my case, my A absolutely refused relationship counseling. He even refused to discuss it. I tried to reason with him. "If the baggage we are carrying in our relationship (10 years of active alcoholism, addiction & abuse) isn't something you are ready to deal with yet I don't think we should be trying to live together!" I'd drop the subject for a few days and then try again to no avail. My question to him was "You have a TEAM of therapists, counselors, doctors and social workers helping you with your recovery, plus you attend meetings regularly. How can you possibly believe our relationship can recover with no help?" Of course, I got no answer...
The 3 C's helpedme also. I thought at one stage.. if I have the power over his actions.. I am sooo powerful that I can MAKE him drink.. why can't I make him STOP drinking... ahh thats right.. because its not true.
I don't have the power to stop him using, I don't have the power to make him use.
I cannot control another persons behaviour good or bad. If I can't do one, then I can't do the other
Thank you all for sharing, all these posts are so powerful and help me today to stay on my path...one day at a time. and yes, after all we ALL have FREEDOM OF CHOICE. But I'm also too accessible to take over the 'guilt' and blame for others, I find myself many times accusing myself of looking for excuses for not being responsible myself. I should distinguish and pace down: I'm responsible for me and my actions, and this only. I must stop taking over responsability for my ABF, especially, he is not a new born! I need to work on that. Thanks a lot, wishing you all a peaceful day.
