The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the most helpful tools is reading affirmations, I think it was Jerry who mention the ODAT book, its important that you get it and everyday there is something to read in that book, its that encouraging, when I would go thru the worst of times with the X Alcoholic, I carried that book everywhere I went.
I would read it at work during lunch, take it out when ever I was having a difficult moment. In the back there is a glossary and it lists emotions you are feeling and theres a quote for every emotion.
When I first joined Alanon back in the mid 80's , I lived and breathed Alanon.. I needed the support so badly I couldnt have gotten by without it.
Its just a little blue book, but oh what a treasure. I still read from it. hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 11th of July 2012 11:00:02 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 11th of July 2012 11:01:38 PM
Hello (((all))) Does anyone have any tips on raising self esteem? This evening i found myself in floods of tears, sobbing, because I was caught off guard by something my partner said. I think it reminded me of something my A dad would say in the past, because it really hit a nerve and I started hitting myself for some reason. I had been feeling really good about myself all day and in the moment my partner said something about me that made me feel worthless, I hunched over and could feel all the pride and strength draining out of me. I know not to take things personally and am usually getting quite good at that, and I know what someone thinks of me is not my business, but I feel I need a few more tools in my self esteem tool kit. Any ESH gratefully appreciated. Thank you, Tigger x
Bless your heart, Tigger-- I hate it that somebody can jerk us around like that. Reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans did so much for me. I just decided I'm going to have the kind of life I want and that somebody who really isn't on my side, at all, is not going to be able to bring me down. It was just a decision. Good luck!
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I struggle with self-esteem issues, too. I think probably most of us here have at some point. Self-affirmations help me as does exercise. Helping a person in need for selfless reasons also helps me feel better about myself. Decreasing my negative internal dialogue is a huge task for me as well.
I had to stop putting my sick A's on any kind of pedalstool to fill me up or rip me apart. It took me a long time to get into my own hobbies that fed my soul and made me feel whole and now I turn to my HP and not my A's who can't handle their own responsibilities let alone mine relating to my self esteem and other things I used to rely on them for. As far as hitting yourself, please don't hurt yourself. You are loved and worth it! I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Self-esteem.....WOOOW, yes, big work! It should have been growing along with us since childhood, but it didn't for some reason. (in my case I am still trying to understand the reasons there, and what I could find, out of looking for repeating hurt feelings, was that I am the last born, parents busy, sisters jealous, so i was spending lots of time alone as small child, and what was sensibility, creativity and curiosity in the first place, degraded in low self-esteem because I asked myself too many serious questions at an early age, not much support or motivation other than through myself....and a father that never never would let me speak up until I was 23 because 'i should shut up in discussions because I was 'too young, to naive towards life to understand'. If that hits on you on a regular basis for a long period of time, it sucks in... )
Not blaming anyone, my self-esteem just cracked at some point which I cannot remember, and since then I noticed that something is absent in my life, trying to build it up again. but for that I need to discover my own self anew, discover my qualities, focus on personal achievements, getting rid of luggage that stands in the way....and hanging the 'I'm busy' sign out to people that suck my energy too much.
It's like building a house that should be able to survive hurricanes. You start from the basement, building solid walls (it better be with the re-enforced concrete for a good base), don't forget the windows to let new fresh wind in, but make sure you have double-glass for when the storm hits...and allow yourself also to step out in the garden and enjoy the flowers from time to time, it's refreshing and relaxing. The interior you can decorate with all imaginable stuff, good and inspiring stuff (who wants to live in a grey, dusty hole??)...put whatever you need to find when you feel tired, details, moments... out of memory, out of dreams, out of experiences...things that remind you who you are and what you like about yourself. and there are some periods where you need to clean up again, because lives get full and messy sometimes. I'm still building, it's life long process, I cleaned up the cellar, got rid of stuff, but left some, because I still need going back there from time to time...I'm on ground floor these days...Still don't know if this house will be a skyscraper or a bungalow, I'm slow. But it feels cosy, and secure most of the time, I'm home. I may know my defaults, and they may get me mislead many times,...but I need to focus more on my qualities nowadays...or all the time for that matter. Defaults tell me there is more work to do...but I can decide myself at which pace and regularity and intensity I want to work on that, I tend to want it all, all at the same time. Rome didn't get built in a day....after all.
(((((Tigger)))))...you're so right on and yet not perfect. One of the things I learned how to do when that happened to me was respond to the person who said the mis-statement "that's not true" and then not continue with the subject. It did wonders for me just to hear myself make that statement. I was standing up for my own truth...just like the program directive...To thine own self be true. Go for it girl. (((hugs)))
I tried all the "therapist recommended" things to raise my self-esteem - Those included self-affirmations, challenging my irrational thinking....
The most helpful thing for me was literally DOING things that were self care. This translated into making plans to do fun things with friends, to go on a trip for myself, to go to meetings, to work out - all those added up to better self-esteem cuz I was finally taking the time to do for me more than for others.
I have hard that self esteem is built by doing esteemable actions. Like going to work, claning house, cooking, exercise, attending meetings etc.
I also make a list of my assets and all the items that I am grateful for and read them daily I try to add additional items each day.
If someohen makes a coment That is unacceptable I keep the focus on myself and validate my positive assets. For example someone might say something you do not agree with. I simply validate myself by stating "My truth" For example someone might say you are always late, i would say not true I would loose my job if that was the case.
Thank you ((((all)))) for your ESH and suggestions. I have been doing esteemable activities and reading validating literature. I've been making a list of self affirmations which I will add to daily. This is what I have so far: "I am a good person;
I know myself;
I love myself unconditionally;
I am good enough just as I am;
My style of communicating is acceptable;
It's ok to be myself;
I am valuable and loveable;
I allow in the good and protect myself from negativity". Big huge massive love to you al-anon angels. I need all the support I can get. Tigger x
I love affirmations Tigger, .. and as silly as this sounds you have got to believe what you say to yourself which means saying it 100x a day and starting off the morning looking in that mirror saying it. Every day I have to say Good Morning P :) The day is going to be filled with golden opportunities and you are WORTH it!! You deserve all of the success and love that comes your way today!!
that's just one of many that will run through my head when I start to slip and slide on how I see myself.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm so excited...I just made a Self Esteem Collage! I used tortuga's visualisation of the house with the string foundations and the window, all surrounded by light and with some animal friend helpers and the words Self Esteem and a picture of me. I wish you could attach images so I could show you, but it's awesome. I feel really strong. Thank you for your encouragement. Tigger x
