The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I dont know where this is coming from for sure, so I am taking it here. Its been almost two months of no contact with my exA. Even longer since we had a "normal happy" for us conversation. Right now, right in this moment I miss him. I just want to text him and be like "Hi baby!". Like we used too. Totally irrational. I wont do it. It would be a true definition of insanity. For all I know, he could be dating again. But, today, I miss him. His true self. Not the alcoholism. Him. I dreamed of him being sick and sad, and in my dream his friends.came to me and they were sad too. We sat together and shook our heads and wished and hoped for him to feel better someday. So, today I am sad. Ok. It is what it is. I have my kids to take care of and enjoy and a mtg tonight. I will keep movimg. Thanks for listening.
Sometimes I still call my ex and I end up hysterically crying each time. Nope. I can't have even one bit of contact with him without totally becoming obsessed again. One little phone call turns into two and three and more. Even if he doesn't answer that is enough to make me obsessed. Something just gets triggered in my mind and it's hard to turn off. Before it was because I missed him. Now I think it's because I've lost control (as if I even had control in the first place). I lost the game. Neither of us won. Alcoholism beat us both and it still makes a fool out of me when I pick up that phone to call.
Chaya
To me, this is just what our brains do, it reminds us of things, it says, "Remember??" You remember the good and the bad, and the bad is just a reminder of our loss. With time, the grieving will pass, but you gotta feel the grief. You're doing great, just keep moving forward, one day at a time being real gentle with yourself.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
It's completely rational to miss someone we care for, when it is a cruel disease that means we can't see or be with the real them. We are human beings and have human hearts. I'm so sorry you are feeling sad, and I send you love and prayers x
These are some of the withdrawal symptoms of our addiction just like they go thru withdrawals when not drinking or using. Nasty disease!! Meetings, MIP, literature, prayer and meditation...oh and for me some mint chocolate chip ice cream with dark dutch chocolate syrup allll over it. Take what you like and leave the rest. Show up at my place and we do the above. Got a meeting tonight so life is good. ((((hugs))))
I can identify with what you wrote. It does occur to me how much alcoholism has us splitting people into "the true him" versus "the diseased him." I do buy into the disease model but that disease is also a part of him....it is truly him also. I don't know if it helps to not romanticize him being perfect underneath the horrible alcoholism...You can't really tease them apart that easy. He's an alcoholic and all the selfishness and bullcrap that you did not like goes along with that too.
Regardless of my drinking, I was usually caring and sweet - but I was also needy, lazy, and selfish. Those traits are still there for me in sobriety and I have to work hard at them.
