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Started seeing ex 3 months ago on weekends, we live six hours apart. He wanted us to get back together immediately. I stalled on this, as I didn't want to move back there where I have no family/friends and he is drinking. He was going to attend counseling and we were working on moving back here in a few months. In the mean time I lost my job and asked why he hasn't told me to come on down since I have no commitments here. He replied, "Well I'm not willing to change my whole life for you for you to walk out again, I like my alcohol and you don't. Don't want to fight over it. I have not had the strength to tell him to go to hell. I didn't want to move there until I saw progress anyways but I am floored by his response and him turning the tables on me. I am so hurt and don't know how I got back in this mess emotionally. I'm crying everyday. He has shown no concern that I lost my job whatsoever. Calls and texts me three times a day like nothing he said should bother me. I want to cut him loose because this is so unhealthy for me but I'm trying to avoid going thru the breakup all over again. I know if I had found a job that paid enough for me to get my own place and not have to live with realtives out of boxes, I would have never thought of going back. I feel humiliated that I am being put aside for alcohol and he calls everyday like were a couple. He is trying to get me to have no standards and accept anything. Actually said well I thought you were as lonely and miserable as I was when we were separated.
Need strength to move forward on my own, yet again!!!
Its all in how you look at it. Could be your HP trying to save you the trouble of moving . What has changed? Alanon's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
There's no humiliation when an Alcoholic chooses alcohol instead of us. They have a disease, they will choose alcohol everytime unless they take the action and go into recovery. . I hope that you will stop whatever your contemplating and make a better choice of Alanon, go to a few face to face meetings. Start your recovery. I really hope you do it for you.
Thanks. I feel better when I look at it as a disease, but there are times that I feel like it's just an excuse to let them off the hook for all their ignorance. I guess I'm more heartbroken than humiliated. I feel better when I have anger than compassion. I can take control when I'm angry and defend myself and set boundries. When I have compassion for the disease I feel hurt and sorry for myself and him.
If anger is propelling you forward, than perhaps you might want to allow it. You most likely won't be angry forever if you do the work. Eventually, my anger turned into compassion not for only alcoholics, but for anyone struggling with various addictions. And there are many addictions nowadays.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I always felt the ex A was not supportive, not reliable and not very responsible. Actually he was. I was never able to see the "disease" in him. I wanted to rely on someone who was not able to be emotionally there for me. His idea of a relationship and my idea were diametically opposed. He would often declare to people that we were just roommates then next thing he was putting my name as the person to call in an emergency.
I got really enmeshed with all this stuff and the truth was I was obsessed with changing him into what I wanted and needed. He didn' t do that but every now and again he would give me the illusion he was capable of it and I jumped on that.
I'm so sorry you feel alone and confused. I found it very very difficult to understand and grasp the disease of alcoholism. I really do not believe an alcoholic or an addict loves their drink/drug of choice more than anything else. I think they can't find a way to live without it. The irony was that I could not imagine living without the alcoholic and in some ways there was a parallel process in play. The more he drank and used, the more dependent and obsessed I became. Soon enough he was my whole world and there was no energy left for anything else.
You are asking great questions. I can't say that I'm in the best situation having left the alcoholic but I feel more sane and that's really really important to me.
I always felt the ex A was not supportive, not reliable and not very responsible. Actually he was. I was never able to see the "disease" in him. I wanted to rely on someone who was not able to be emotionally there for me. His idea of a relationship and my idea were diametically opposed. He would often declare to people that we were just roommates then next thing he was putting my name as the person to call in an emergency.
I got really enmeshed with all this stuff and the truth was I was obsessed with changing him into what I wanted and needed. He didn' t do that but every now and again he would give me the illusion he was capable of it and I jumped on that.
I'm so sorry you feel alone and confused. I found it very very difficult to understand and grasp the disease of alcoholism. I really do not believe an alcoholic or an addict loves their drink/drug of choice more than anything else. I think they can't find a way to live without it. The irony was that I could not imagine living without the alcoholic and in some ways there was a parallel process in play. The more he drank and used, the more dependent and obsessed I became. Soon enough he was my whole world and there was no energy left for anything else.
You are asking great questions. I can't say that I'm in the best situation having left the alcoholic but I feel more sane and that's really really important to me.
maresie.
I'm left nearly speechless by your post. Your words strike so many chords in me I feel like there is a symphony going on in my head!
To the original post - I have been reading up on a lot of information about the sociopathic symptoms of alcoholics, or as some would say the sociopaths who are also alcoholics. The sociopath has no feelings of empathy and is usually incapable of feeling anything for anybody. I read a post written by a sociopath who outlined how he found his "victims" and it was chilling to read. Basically, they "learn" from us what it is they need to "be" in order to attract a victim. The love and affection they show at times that sucker us in are nothing more than an act. There is never anything remotely honest about them. Perhaps, this may be related to your situation and I'm truly sorry if this sounds harsh. I'm trying to come to terms with what is reality for myself...
When I was trying to get the courage to separate from my ex for the umpteenth time, I remembered all the times I had tried to do it before and gone back on it. I thought, "If only I had seen this through the first time, I'd have gone through all the misery and grief and I'd be feeling fine by now!" How I wished I'd just gone through with it the first time!
Eventually I did go through with it, but only after he'd kicked me in the teeth (not literally, but it almost felt like it) several more times.
The terrible fact is that if they don't have what it takes to be in a healthy relationship, it's unlikely they ever will have. Because we don't see any signs they're interested in changing. Someone on this board described this as something like "starving while waiting for someone who doesn't cook to serve us dinner." Or, of course, like going to the hardware store for bread.
In the end, what I feared was being overwhelmed by the misery and depression of being alone and feeling I had failed at a relationship yet again. It was indeed bad, off and on, for a while. But you know what? It wasn't any worse than being in the relationship. At least I didn't have to face the rejection face-to-face every day. Instead of worrying about him and how to make him love me and how to endure being with him, I could do things with my life to make it better.
It's still hard when I grieve for what I thought (wrongly) it could have been. But it's not hard when I think about what it was.
