The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Step 4 was delivered to me at the right moment, my HP has been working overtime the past 5 days.
There is nothing like reality to tell you exactly where you are.Im glad for the boundaries I had but they just didnt quite fit the need. I was able to get to recognize that my weak boundary was responsible for my own hurt and for my kids witnessing things they shouldnt have.I am not beating myself up but the awareness is necessary. I have new boundaries now.I will continue to evaluate them.
Hes been in detox since Friday. Imagine that he got himself there despite me :)I talked to him the first time last night on the phone.I was prepared for manipulation, pity, shame and such.There was some shame, but no pity and very mild manipulation.I was met with someone who sounded really humble.Apparently when I finally did cut off contact, he lost it and I was abandoning him at his hour of need and he could not believe I was being so callous.I was unaware this was going on at all.
He mentioned he may be homeless and explained you know I cannot help you with that and he said I know and I wouldnt ask you, this is my issue.I get that this right answer deal is part of manipulation too but I let it be.I know he wants to do better.
He began talking about where he felt he went wrong and this is where the HP stepped in.We each arrived at nearly identical issues to address.So our independent plans are very similar. Next goal is sticking to them. I am determined on my end to do so.Thats what matters right now.
The basic mindset for my entire boundary list is if you are sober, attending meetings, in contact with your sponsor and on a routine (hes retired, this is a problem for him) I will see him. Anything else results in zero contact.If he relapses while at my house he will be escorted outside for a cab.No rides, no contact.If hes off his meetings/routines, he simply cant be near me.I made them more simple and tangible.I do not think I have the tiger by the tail, I think I will need to reevaluate regularly.
I do not have the I need him part of this disease.Im not afraid to lose him.I am not afraid to upset him with boundaries, I did prove that to myself.I came into this relationship totally unaware of how to be in it.I did my best homework and knew boundaries were crucial and tried.But I did not realize how powerful this disease is, I was completely naïve.So my boundaries were like putting up a picket fence for a horse.
I recognize that sometimes think I can handle this (step 1) but what Im working towards (and have been) is trusting myself.Sometimes Im fooling myself, sometimes Im cocky and sometimes I get it just right.I know the pendulum is still working with me going back and forth.The middle will come.
I made it through and did not let it stop me from enjoying my life and family.It did affect me. Despite that part, we went out of town for 4th, the kids had a blast.We had my sons 9th birthday Saturday, I still rode my horse, we had a kid sleepover, and I woke up and went to work each work day.Im proud of that part and it would have been even easier with better boundaries but I can learn J
For now I need no guarantees. I do not need to decide if this will work or not.I simply need to focus on Al Anon and my other self work, and see if he focuses on his program.It may work it may not.I will be ok either way, that part I know.
Thank you to everyone here, those who respond, those two read, those who share their own stories. I couldn't have done this without this place - and the help of my sponsor and support system in real life.
And you're giving it all back for free...awesome. Someone else besides me may benefit from your experiences which you are sharing here and that is how the program works. Setting boundaries in order to be free...what a concept and it works like a miracle...well then it is a miracle huh? In support (((((hugs)))))
The part I'm super thankful for is learning to still love him but not have to accept the behavior. It was hard to get there but freeing. And nothing like my own consequences to help me build better boundaries. Yes a miracle for certain.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
" my boundaries were like putting up a picket fence for a horse. "... yep...that was my first try too, until i noticed how much more homework there is to do for myself....one step at a time. "For now I need no guarantees...." i will remember that statement, letting go of the pressure, the control.. Thanks a lot you for sharing. hugs
I think its critical to remember to have very low expectations of an early recovery alcoholic. My expectations are always way off balance and some of them include myself. In early boundary making dealing with an alcoholic is like going into a gymn and expecting yourself to be an olympic champion. I had to be willing to be pretty inconsistent when it came to boundaries and not leap to beating myself up. I still slip and slide on them but they are there and I am grateful for that.
HP isn't done with me, my prediction skills are good. He has been told he can't return to the place he was renting a room. So I know I will keep my boundary, he's not living with me and he accepts that. He's currently working on being creative to figure this out. I resisted the urge to help, I just let him talk about the ideas he has and he had some good ones. This is just one of his consequences..
This is what I do well with, one of my strengths. I screw up, I learn, I move forward and I start over until I really begin to get things. I've had a lot of practice with my ex and mentally ill son. In my life I was brought up that "pain" and "difficult" were opportunities and character builders, not walls or destructive things. Its why I also have to not stuff my feelings because stuffing feelings is a way to do this - you just forge forward and pretend you dont' feel the pain.
Learning to acknowledge, feel the pain, accept it but still move forward is my goal right now. Temporary bumps in the road. I have faith he can do this on his own and if he doesn't, I won't be going down with him. Time will tell, my predicting skills seem to stop working in certain areas
