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I posted here once a few years ago and have been a lurker off and on ever since. Just needed a place to vent today...
My AM has been drinking heavy for the past 10 years or so. In and out of rehab, jail, detox, etc. She's lost everything...a marriage, an engagement, houses, savings, jobs, relationships with family and the few friends that she had. I'm 27 and have been out of her house since I was 18 and never lived in the same city, so I have been able to detach pretty successfully. I was extremely codependent in my early 20s but after I had a few panic attacks and a bout of depression, I started a seeing a counselor and discovered the root issue was the way I was handling my relationship with her. I worked really hard on my codependency and anxiety and today I'm better than ever in that respect. Because of her addiction we only speak or see each other occasionally, but days like today are still just rough.
My AM has been living with my grandparents for three years now and continuing her drinking. They are enablers, and they know it, but too scared to truly let her go as it would mean homelessness and probably worse. They are also not willing to go to Al-Anon or see a couselor themselves. This, combined with my mom's drinking, creates an environment of insanity in their home and greatly reduces their quality of life which really saddens me. Typically they only contact me when there is an "emergency" with my AM that they want me to step in and manage. Obviously this has hurt my relationship with them as well.
After her most recent time in jail (she assaulted my grandfather when he tried to physically take a bottle away from her) she ended up in a 90-day treatment program. She did well the first 30 days, or so I thought, until Day 33 (today) when she was kicked out. She lied about the reason, of course, saying it was all a big mistake (haven't heard that one before!), and because of patient confidentiality I couldn't find out what really happened. I picked her up after calmly finishing my breakfast and my sister brought her to our grandparents' house.
I have to admit that this incident is affecting my mood today. I'm not only feeling bad about the situation, I'm also feeling bad because I'm allowing it to affect me...I'm off work this week and planned to get lots of things done today, but so far all I've managed is eating lunch and watching movies. I know tomorrow will be a new day...but today just stinks!
I'm feeling pretty hopeless about her situation and can't see anyway that it will improve. It might not; I accepted that long ago. But all my feelings of anger, resentment, betrayal are surfacing again. I know God has the answer so I need to give up my worries to Him but geez, it's hard to do! Needless to say, I'm doing a lot of praying today.
I know this was long and rambling, but thanks for letting me share.
I am always so humbled by the strength of adult children of alchoholics, the wisdom and depth of understanding astounds me, we are so hard on ourselves and we shouldn't be, your doing an amazing job, sending you abig (((((hug)))))) tomorrow is a new day, enjoy yours.
I am an Adult Child of a Alcoholic, too. I have a word for what you are experiencing, I call it a "reckoning" moment. For me, it is those moments when I am forced to confront anew the realities of the situation, whatever the situation is. When that happens for me, it comes with feelings--it may be grief or anger or sadness or guilt. I have learned that these feelings will pass--it's like a wave coming into my life, it will hit a peak and then decrease again. I have learned to be gentle, gentle, gentle with myself. Being an ACOA is tough! I have done a lot of work too (counseling, alanon, etc.) and yet what I have learned is that doing the work does not shield me from the feelings. It's part of my human condition that I still experience the feelings that come from the situation from time to time. However, unlike before I was healing, I don't need to act on the feelings. Like you, I maintain my detachment with love. I don't jump in, I don't rescue, I don't get caught up in the drama, etc. Nonetheless, I still grieve for my dad who has been a life-long alcholic, has lost everything more than once, and still cannot stay sober.
I am sending you a BIG hug. It's OK to feel the sorrow or the anguish. I hope you do some nice things for yourself this week and take care of yourself during this tender time of reckoning.
As a fellow ACOA I send prayers of strength, courage and support your way. Make sure you are taking good care of yourself and your inner child in all this...you are worth it. (((hugs))) Tigger x
