The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What I had to realize for me is that I would set a boundary (i.e. no contact for an indefinite period of time) and then _I_ would be the first to break my own boundary (i.e. by sending a supportive text). Once, I had broken my initial boundary then it was easy to start moving the boundary again and again (i.e. begin texting back and forth, then a phone call, then the whole merry go round all over again). It might take me a month or two, but suddenly all boundaries were so moved that they were non existent and I was back in crazyland again. I did this a hundred maybe a million times before I realized that MANY times, MOST times, I was the first to break the very boundary I just did all this work to set up. I began to live by: say what I mean, mean what I say, don't say it mean. When I would break my boundary, I would be saying things to myself like "What's the big deal, it's just a text!" Or, I couldn't sit with the discomfort of not being in touch just in case the person needed to hear my cheerleading, but every time it got me right back where I started. If not right away, then within a few weeks or month. I would often manipulate myself into breaking my boundaries by saying to myself: how can I be so cold, they need support, etc. The truth is NOTHING you do or say or don't do or don't say will stop him from getting sober if that is what he really wants, but it may very well hurt you if it is the opening to get back on the merry go round. Think of it this way: can you stay away from your drug of choice (him) or are you starting to consider going back to the bar just to look around (sending the text). If you decide to go into the bar thinking you can "control" it by just sending one text and "not drink," (get sucked back in to the whole dynamic), you are probably kidding yourself. At least, that has been my experience--I was always, always, always kidding myself. You set your boundaries for a reason. You don't have to feel bad for sticking to them. You can always pray for him every day and send him lots of good light without contacting him. Why not wait and see if this "sticks" before deciding whether or not to be in touch.
-- Edited by BlueCloud on Monday 9th of July 2012 04:21:16 PM
I separated from my A, he's at his parents with a lot of drama since he left. Today he made a first step. Spoke with counselor at local addiction center, getting a sponsor, etc.
I told him and this time I mean it, no contact until he gets pro help and begins to work on him. I would like to think part of his actions now are the realization he has a disease and I am really done this time. Proudly I have held kept my word this time. I have been told by ppl who know the real (drunk & sober manipulator) the only thing he cares about is his relationship with me. I have my doubt for obvious reasons.
Do I send him an encouraging text or email since he has made this first step or let it continue with no contact? Do you think it makes any difference in their recovery? I'm not ready to have conversations with him about anything at this point. But I want him to know I'm rooting for him, hopefully he knows that on his own, but our relationship has been brutal at times. I know he feels isolated and alone all the time.
This is on page 99/100 from the text of Alcoholics Anonymous (aka The Big Book) "Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. This just isn't so. In some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another. Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God. We have seen men get well when families have not returned at all. We have seen others slip when the family came back too soon."
I have had the same experience regarding boundaries as BlueCloud has described. Take care of you and do what is in YOUR best interest. Let his HP take care of him. In support...
__________________
Namaste~
"For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare
I agree with you, BlueCloud. I have been pondering this all day. You know the feeling, the oh so slight glimmer of hope pops up, and first reaction is to scoop in and try to help . I think the bottom line for me - my encouraging text, really not a life changer to someone with a disease. He either will or he won't, a text is not a game changer for addiction.
The ppl I do speak with that know us and understand the disease tell me the best thing to do for him is hold my ground, for a significant period of time. For whatever reason they think fixing our relationship is the only thing that may motivate him. Only he knows that answer.
I have to hold onto the fact that I am fixing me now, following a healthy program and changing me. Set an example, be sincere to who I am and the life I want, let him decide on his own and encourage him from afar with prayer & hope.
Who's problem is it that he feels isolated and alone in a world with millions of people in it? He can also find support and fellowship in meetings and he needs to learn to reach out, find, and accept help for his alcoholism on his own or he will never learn it.
I understand and can identify with how much you wanted him to take these steps but his motivation needs to stay intrinsic as much as possible.
If fixing your relationship is the only reason he has to stay sober, that sets you up to be his higher power and I would be concerned about that. All the more reason to keep your distance until he can find some other reasons to get joy out of and interact with the world like a healthier person. How about wanting to be sober to have friends, a job, good relationships with family, to be healthy? Starting AA to stop a relationship from ending might be okay to get you in the door but it wont keep you there.
Being in recovery (and even in the beginning for me) I would say that no matter what, I was going to go to meetings and be active in AA - If I got dumped - If I lost my job - If my family members died - Whatever - I will always be in recovery because that is how bad I want and need to stay sober. When I started going to meetings was the first time in my life I didn't go running to my parents also. I lived on my own for quite some time. I think God really had my back cuz it all worked out. I needed to grow up so badly. I could no longer put myself in the role of a little boy because that was killing me. I called my sponsor whining like a little baby for a whole year at least. Every life problem was so monumental. If I'd had my parents or a significant other there to "help" me, I don't know if I would have learned how to live again. I slowly drew strength from others in AA, my sponsor, then it came from God....then I really started healing. After that, I could act like a grown up in a relationship instead of the needy little kid who everyone thought was only motivated by relationships and other people.
. I think the bottom line for me - my encouraging text, really not a life changer to someone with a disease. He either will or he won't, a text is not a game changer for addiction.