The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dear Wornout, I was with the X A 28 years. I was always threatening to leave.
We separated 3 times in those 26 years of marriage. I always had hope that he would stop drinking. I thought hell if some other woman is going to come around and reap the benefits of his sobriety. But sobriety never came. Only after I told him to leave and that was still 7 years later.
It really was a process. He was my third marriage and I didnt want to fail again. The question I always say is "Would you do it again." My answer is one big NO. Thats not to say Im not grateful for Alanon and all the experience I gained. I would have much rather have had a light and carefree existence for myself. But this was the hand that was dealt and I cant change the past. In my life I lost a child to death and another one to kidnapping by her Father, it never was as painful as living with the alcoholic. I guess because it is so personal and I do believe in Karmic ties. It was almost like the X A was my son in another life. There was a huge connection. So you might say that I changed my Karma. I am a practicing Buddhist and thats the goal, to lighten our karma, it can take a whole lifetime.
Just because we separate from the life we have with the alcoholic doesnt mean that we will have this fantastic life with the freedom of the pain. Its painful to separate and difficult. Its a withdrawal. At least it was for me.
I say stick with your HP and Alanon, dont listen to the media and books and society, that say how we should be living our lives. Just be kind to yourself and know that nothing stays the same for long, our lives are always in flux. Its not about thinking the next person we meet is going to make us happy. We can only do that our self. You asked if we were sorry for our decision or had doubts. I live with no regrets.
My best to you my friend, Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 9th of July 2012 01:09:49 AM
I come to the conclusion so often that I am done, I've had enough but I always stay. For the ones of you that made the break, did you do the same thing for a while or did you make the decision once and act on it immediately? Also, do you ever have doubts that you did the right thing?
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
It took me three years to finally make the decision to leave my AH. Once I did, I was packed up and moved out 48 hours later. And I haven't looked back. It's been 15 months now and it feels so good to be able to breathe again and to not have to deal with all of the daily drama that was caused by my AH's increasing binges. Even after a DUI and the impending foreclosure of our home, he continued to drink at work, and drink and drive. He is still drinking, I am getting better every day thanks to Al-Anon, my sponsor and my HP. Sending you lots of hope and support right now. You'll know when the time is right. That's what happened for me, I just knew that I had had enough and I could not imagine staying with him if he was not going to get help.
We have a saying in Alanon: There are those of us who are strong enough to stay and there are those of us who are strong enough to leave. I love this saying because it says we have full freedom to decide for ourselves whether we stay or go in any relationship with an A.
My experience in my relationship with my Alcoholic father was that I was not strong enough to stay. My father is an untreated A and unfortunately he is mentally ill and can be abusive. Five years ago my father left me angry, unprovoked voicemails saying he no longer wanted to be my father (this was one act in a long line of unacceptable behaviors). I was blindsided. It took me a year of profound grieving to deeply reflect on whether or not I could stay in the relationship should that become a possiblity again. I thought about it for a year and worked with a counselor. I wrote many letters that I did not send to sort out my feelings. He did finally call a year later as if nothing had happened. By that time I had gotten clear on my own bottom lines: 1) I will not minimize, deny, or take the blame for his behaviors; 2) I will not continue in a relationship with anyone who will not seek help. We had a cordial conversation. However, I had made a decision not out of anger or resentment, but out of a need for my own safety and wellbeing that he is simply too unstable to be in contact with. This is not the silent treatment or punishment. If he calls me, I will answer and speak to him (he doesn't call, so this has not been any issue). In the end, my decision was based in quiet knowing that I simply could not continue the relationship for my own sanity.
Yes, absolutely, when big things are happening in my life, I do feel grief and sadness that he is not in my life. Sometimes, yes, I fantasize about how it could be different or what I could do to transform the situation, but Alanon helps me stay in the reality that he is very ill and needs professional help. I am very clear that I am not qualified to help him and he has made it clear that he does not believe he has a problem and does not plan to see treatment. Even though I have felt sad and grief, and I believe in some ways this will be lifelong grief that will emerged from time to time, I have not ever regretted my decision.
I think what was key for me was that I did ALOT of thinking, praying, crying, and talking through my issue with professionals. I didn't act in anger or to show him anything or to get him to change. I acted purely to protect myself. And, I didn't make a decision until I made a decision (there was no timeline). We had two final conversations a year after he severed contact and I asked him a lot of serious questions about his anger, how he planned to handle conflict in the future, etc. and those gave me the answers I needed to realize that he was in denial about the seriousness of his issues and their impact on me (and others). At that point, I decided not to "try again".
My decision was the most difficult decision I have EVER made. I couldn't have done it without very serious support.
Took a while. I just knew. He had been verbally abusing me and I was alone in another state with him. I felt trapped. I waited until he went to work and took what I could get in my car and left. I was strong for a long time and 14 months later tried to reconcile after another DUI. I thought he had seen the light. Instead, he enjoys his drinking and will avoid driving but that is it. Waste of my time, getting my hopes up and sucked in again.
It was a process for me. Much of why I didn't leave was out of fear and I just didn't think I had any choices. After the last DUI was when I completely shut down and realized on many levels I just couldn't do this anymore. I didn't like the person I had become, I didn't like what it was doing to my children.
I am grateful I had alanon behind me when I decided to go as it was wonderful support. This has not been an easy experience however it has been a great blessing as well.
Whatever you choose to do, stay or leave you get to that decision when you get there and it's never an easy choice or walk.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Great question! For me it was a process- I started keeping a journal. My AH was sweet and contrite and reminded me how much he loved me....over and over and over again. I started thinking about leaving about 2 years before i actually did. Because he needed me. Then one year- I kept waiting for him to sober up .
and moved into the guest room because he would wake me up careening around the bedroom when I was trying to sleep...Finally, I realized I was a housekeeper...not a wife and moved out....(I miraculously (say HP) found the perfect house within 2 weeks of looking. I still had to explore my boundaries..but that, too was a process that I worked through.
Like you I was terrified I was making the biggest mistake in my life and said that at my f2f meeting...Now, I thank God I took back my life and stopped trying to save his life and our marriage. I want the rest of my life to be an adventure of discovery. I actually joined an online dating site and met some nice men- nothing special, yet. But it is building up the self esteem that I had thought I had lost. Thinking about the possibility of leaving is a first step. See where your HP leads you. Good Luck
I am in the process of trying to decide those exact things for myself and my marriage. I am trying to be very patient and I am spending a LOT of time in prayer. I haven't had a job in 14 years, I homeschool our son who has mental challenges with school due to a birth injury, and I am working hard at detaching from AH's 'issues' as best as I can. Will I still be with him in a year? I have no idea, I am taking things one day at a time. I am keeping a journal right now and am working with my sponsor in Al Anon and that is giving me a lot of peace that it's OK to just stay where I am for this moment. I am terrified to leave so I guess the pain of staying isn't bad enough for me, but maybe it will be in the future? Only my HP knows the answer to that. You'll know when you know, be patient with yourself.
I just recently left my AB. Almost two months ago. We did not live together, but he was over a lot anf we saw each other everyday. We were together almost 4.5 yrs. We had our first fight about alcohol maybe 2 months in. I have journal entries and abandoned letters from 3 yrs ago wanting to leave. It took mr a while. My only wish is that I had come to al anon sooner. I left vold turkey and diving into the deep end w/o knowing how to swim. I didnt come to al anon until I left. Not to save him, but for support anf understanding. Im still really struggling with that feeling we all seem to share. I love him, miss him, but want to punch him in the face. Im also struggling with things left unsaid because I didnt know how yo detatch and communicate. My ESH would be to continue to build your support system w/ al anon. I really think I did it the hard way.
I also didn't give up for a long time (12 years). But also things were never as bad as they ended up being. Like a storm that kept building and building, and finally it broke. It was too much for me. Alcohol led to drug use and infidelity and a lot of crazy behavior. It is as if he is gone, replaced by some insane jerk. Like I've said before. I spent a lot of time going through the storm just praying for knowledge of HP's will and the courage to carry it out. Because I was so incredibly confused, I didn't know what to do and actually felt as if I was loosing my mind. The alcoholic will make you feel as if you are the crazy one. They give no credit to your feelings. Your feelings simply don't matter. What matters to them is covering up the drinking, drugs, infidelity, bad financial decisions, etc. After praying on this for weeks ( it was a few weeks of absolute insanity). HP opened my eyes to what was going on with my husband. I could see he didn't care about me and our life or our children and he never would. I have never had such a strong feeling to do something as I felt when HP was telling me to get out! I did something I never would have had the courage to do in the past. I got up early after AH had been MIA for yet another weekend, packed up what I could in my truck, and drove the kids and I back to our home state, back to the home we still owned. And I knew it was for good.
However, I do wish things were different. I wish this was not the way things had to be. But really what's the alternative? To be back in the midst of chaos an a life that makes no sense? It's just not an option for me. I have to accept that things are the way they are. And I have to hope that HP has a good plan for my life even though it didn't work with my husband. HP rescued me from a terrible, and I do mean terrible life. I'm Greatful for that!
We were on and off several times before the final and the funny thing is the last time was the only time I initiated it. That always tells me something, lots of games with my exAH. I was so fearful and now I can breath. You will know when and if it is right I stayed 15-16 years can't keep track with all the splits. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Left a 30 year marriage..and yes, for me, it was absolutely the right thing to do. I had lost myself in craziness that our life had become. I had also lost trust and respect for him...two components that I feel are critical in loving someone, so I guess I no longer loved him. Difficult? Very..Scary? Yes indeed.. but to stay would have even been more difficult.
It's pretty great being captain of my own ship...named "tranquility". I loved the peace and predictability of my life.
I did waiver and take my time. For myself I felt I needed to put the effort in to make sure I had done all I could. While I don't know your history with your A, mine was abusive and not making any efforts to get better. I made the break and have never felt so happy, free and at peace. It has been since February and was difficult at first. I relied on F2F meetings and my good friends and parents to help support me emotionally and get through the toughest parts. I am now enjoying life with my daughter (who doesn't even ask for him) and we do what we want to do when we want it. I'm still short of furniture, but those are just belongings and they will come in time.
Good luck and big hugs, you will know when you are ready.
OMG, I felt the same as far as What if I leave? and he sobers up and finds someone else. I still can't stand the thought of him being with anyone else and I think it's what motivates me sometimes to try. I lived with him as a dry drunk for 4 years and while it was much better he still had the same distorted thoughts and anger management issues, so while I really know that who ever gets him is getting no prize, I still can't imagine him with someone and finding happiness after all the pain he caused me. I guess i have some control issues.
I haven't thought seriously about leaving.Things stay at a level of just being "not quite bad enough" that I stick around. And then we have some rare amazing days together. I see how much potential he has.
My main reason for thinking about leaving is that I am 29 y/o. And I want the chance to have a healthy marriage and babies. He can't get me prego b/c he has harmed his body with his hard life and his sperm can't swim (we got tested).
*For me fertility treatment is not an option as long as he is like this* I don't want to be a single mom.
I think that's kind of a selfish reason, don't you?
p.s. sorry I didn't answer your question! I think it's a hard call to make.
