The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
this is my first try asking for help with Al-Anon, after so long time.
I grew up in a family with always alcohol around. My father can't stop drinking, even if he's still one of the 'soft drinkers' I guess, still it's always there, always excuses. My mother always caring, spending a lot of energy, escaping into solitude....I have come to see it clearer every day, and came probably to realize when now, as an adult, walking on the edge of despair and self accusation, guilt, depression is also not a new word. i used to fight with myself, instead of fighting with alcohol. anyway, somehow i made it out of depression, constructing a more or less courageous life filled with realized dreams. I do that for myself, chose to live away geographically from family, just meeting then once a year now, and it does me good, loving them on a distance.
But now i met my boyfriend, because life is made like this, taht you can't live on an island forever, trying to protect yourself. He is a wonderful person, which i rearely found before. Honest and creative... well and love did what love does, we fell for it in a quite desperate place. All was beautiful, but he is an alcoholic. And this makes me think, that I'm probably so much used to that 'effect' around me, that i don't see the signs, or just accept them as normal...that i fall for this person, and the theme is back into my life...more then ever.
We talk about it openly, and when he has his clear head, he is putting a lot of sense and will in it. He says I'm his mirror, triggering his disease.... that he wants to change, and then he tries evryday to leave it, but sometimes accuses me for it. that his days were much better without me, that he used to be happy having alcohol before he met me, that I can't help him anyway, that i should leave..etc..the usual accusations I guess.then he becomes quite abusive verbally...and it really hurts. And i tell myself, of course I need to leavethis situation.That's Mr. Hyde. He is too occupied to see, feel, care.
Dr. jekyll on the other side is that other marvellous calm person, loving, caring, giving, sharing, active. we fell in love, and he makes it difficult to turn my back on him. It would be easy with Mr. Hyde there...I am dependent, but not masochist. But I realize I have to take care of myself, keeping the guilt out... I just need desperatly support, because right now, my heart tells me to stick with Dr. Jekyll, but my head says, run run run from Mr. Hyde. and I know partially it doesn't only concern this person, if I run, the same problem will come back to me in a later stage, because I have been trained like that, i have been trained to be with needy people, I have been trained to need...and I really want to break free of that package education gave me.
To answer your question,is " Yes " we can change and there is Hope. It certainly sounds as if you have an understanding of the your patterns and what it might take to change.
Living with this disease affects us in very subtle ways and because of this we too need our own program of recovery.
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Alanon is a fellowship of people who share their experience strength and hope in order to recover from the effects of the disease of alcoholism. Face to Face meetings in your community can be found by calling the local inter group office found in the white pages. These meetings saved my life. Here I learned to break the isolation, connect with others who truly understand, to live one day at a time, focused on myself with trust in new tools to live by.
Keep coming back here as well and sharing the journey
the problem is I live in a country far far away, that resources here are poor, and I only have the internet really to get connected.
I am just wondering what I can do to help myself, and if and how i can help my boyfriend, even though i know focusing on myself is the priority.. really feeling helpless and useless some days.
hello and welcome, you explained very well the dilemma of loving an alcoholic, you also have great understanding of the effects on oneself, for me alanon is the place I need to come to keep me sane and on track, if I don't keep coming back I get drawn into the insanity, I admire your strength and honesty in putting distance between yourself and family and still loving them, living in close proximerty with an alchoholic is terribly hard and draining for me it's when I start believing their insanity and owning it, took me along time to see I had a choice not too, just didn't know how, loving an alchohilic is so hard they are so complex very intriging keep coming back you have alot to offer and glean.
They are always looking for someone to blame or trigger their disease. It is never them. I have a Dr. Jekell/Hyde husband and have been verbally abused as well. They live in shame and guilt and if they can put you down they will. I have been verbally attacked over the most stupid stuff ever. Best offense is a defense. If he knows you want him to get help or better and he can't you become a mirror that they see there shame in. My husband has now told me that he does not want help, won't quit drinking and I just make him feel guilty. It's always about them. Ten years later, 3 DUI's 3 years sober and the rest drinking, and it's still all about him and his needs. Never changes. Save yourself. Get help and stronger for yourself and you will know what to do.
Thank you for sharing Jelene, Yes I realize I can't keep it all to myself any longer, that's why I wrote here. The problem is I don't know how it can be done, regular meetings are not possible since I live in a remote area in Asia. I only have the internet. I read about this 'sponsor' support, I wonder how it works and if it is possible online, at least through writing regularly? anybody knows how it can be done, i really think i need to share regularly, if I don't want to go insane or get lost. Today is a good day, I feel strong and see what needs to be done. But honestly, not every day is like this... and I am scared of those low days, when alcohol and him have obvious easy game triggering my fear, helplessness, weakness, emotions, ... I am a little scared of this future!
Hello tortuga - I can tell you that I mostly only do online research/reading into the world of alcoholism and co-dependency; I do talk to a few key trusted people in my life who demonstrated through certain actions and words that they are also part of a 12 step recovery program. When I first found this board I probably read for hours at a time, searching through posts for other's experiences with the same things I was going through. The more I searched and found answers, the more different directions my questions would take me. I sat here reading posts and nodding my head and crying. It amazed me, amazes me still, how similar every story seems to be. I came to understand the concepts of powerlessness, acceptance and changing what is in my power to change. I believe that the most important thing this board did for me was to show me that I was not the only one living in chaos caused by alcohol; that there are countless others going through the same Jekyl and Hyde existence; the blaming, accusations, picking a fight just to have a reason to drink. I laughed and accepted the concept of "insanity circus" as a perfect description of what it is like living with someone caught up in an addiction. I have come to understand things in life on an entirely different level than before; my life is relatively peaceful now, lonely but so much better than constant chaos; and it is SO much easier to look at a situation that comes up, identify if I have any power to change/fix anything, and go forward from there. I truly understand that A's are helpless against thier addictions. I also truly miss my ex, the quiet gentle mannered man I described to my mother when I first met him. I want recovery for him, would love to see him come to my door and be ready to reconcile the damage he caused. But, realistically, I know that may never happen and there is nothing I can do about it. This is acceptance of things I cannot change that I didn't have before coming to this board and Al-anon.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I identify with the Jekyll/Hyde thing now. I was dating one, just a fantastic guy, my entire family loved him (let me tell you how big of a deal that is?) and for the first time after almost 6 months, I met the other. It was like standing in front of this person I love but it was a wax replica because everything he was saying and doing was completely foreign.
I came here when he first told me he was in recovery. Glad I did and now having to continually realize there is more and more to work on here. I'll probably never conquer it entirely, I generally like to think I will always have things I need to learn and improve on. But you're in a good place here. Hugs.
Dr. Jekyll decided to go to rehab. I would like to believe this will work out for him. lets hope for the best. Me on my side try to focus on my life , on myself, on my work and on my first step... and I notice that this focus still deviates many times towards him, wondering how he does, worrying about how he feels, wishing him the best... we decided not to talk, meet, phone, email...and I'm coming to the thought that I might need that break from him as much as he needs that break from alcohol. confusing affection with addiction??maybe!scary days...trying to focus on one day at the time.
