I know I had a lot of friendships change and morph and some relationshiips died completly, but all in the name of growth and I am healthier now, so it was worth it. Keep the focus on you and the changes you can make and it will all be fine in the end. Well better than just fine. Sending you love and support!

 

 

(((CDK)))...my journey in the program was really amazing on this subject.  I went thru what you've gone thru and finally learned to put them in the "mis-understanding" file.  I didn't know what I was doing and I had to learn to give that same grace to family members and friends also..."they didn't know" and I couldn't trust them to understand where many others including myself didn't either.  So this process leveled the playing field and I was able to use empathy, compassion and forgiveness with myself and others.  My counselor called it "using grace or mercy".  What a tool to learn.  I'm not perfect or a saint as the program explains and I am doing a faulty thing expecting others to be perfect or saints themselves.  Some of my family went nuts with the "Alcoholism and its affect on Jerry F" idea and stepped up with their chests out looking like they knew all about it and were always willing to tell me so.  I learned to smile and say openly without arguement, "No that's not the truth" and then shut up and continue on as if there was no problem.  There is no problem unless I make it one.  My friends?  God so many of my friends were so as lost or more as I was and I just had to shake my head and accept it and keep some of them friends.  Lots of them drifted off...I love them still and don't need them.  When they fall let them fall...when they get back up...give them a hug.   (((((hugs)))))

I'd question that friend's motives when she's saying what she did was for her daughter's sake just after she claimed to have behaved that way for your sake.

She is human, and she's doing the best she can, too. So I'm not wanting to demonize her and paint her as a "bad" person. But she sounds like she's pretty unhealthy herself and using your Al-Anon tools when interacting with her will be valuable for your mental and emotional health.

I've very sadly watched how things have "changed" with my best friend after I visited her last summer. Or, rather, I've seen how my change and growth has me interacting differently with my best friend. I was pretty distraught over it, actually. I found myself feeling really annoyed with her and frankly there were some feelings of aversion. I was really sad that I felt that way because I had worked her into my life as my absolute BEST friend, who was always there for me, who I could always count on, etc. We've known each other since we were eight years old. So when I came back from a visit with her feeling like I didn't enjoy her company and that perhaps she hadn't much been enjoying mine, it was HARD. (I'm almost 35 so we've known each other 27 years.)

I did struggle with some thoughts that were telling me I had to pick up the phone and talk to her about it right away. But I put some pause into it... remembered the slogan "When in doubt, don't." and just talked stuff through with my sponsor and asked my HP into it. When I asked myself if I really thought I had to do something about it all right away, my answer was a clam... "no."

So, I haven't talked about my feelings with my friend at all. Not yet, anyhow. We still talk occasionally over the phone. I think part of what triggers me is I see the un-treated Al-Anon in her very clearly. She's very spun out over trying to make sure she is there for her husband 24/7, guilts him all the time when he's not taking care of himself the way she thinks he should be, then piles tons of guilt on her own shoulders when she feels she's not being effective enough in her home life. I sometimes grow weary of listening to the martyr stories or listening to her complain about her husband's faults, etc. I tend to throw her off when I just calmly ask... "So, how are YOU doing?"

I'll be seeing her again in a few weeks when I fly back to the mainland to visit my family. It's good I have this knowledge of my feelings this time around so I'm not so floored by them if they crop up again.

But I digress. All I know is that the Al-Anon program helps me in many facets of my life. It doesn't just aide me in dealing with an alcoholic. It aides me in dealing with other human beings, period. Whether they're drinking or not.

Keep coming back, and give your friend to your HP for now. If you ask yourself what I asked myself, you may find you have a similar answer... "do you NEED to address that relationship right now?"

Thank you! I appreciate the ESH very much. I do have some volunteer commitments this week with her, and I do want to keep those. I came to al anon after I left my A, so this will be my first chance to practice detatchment. I obviously have some enmeshment issues here, otherwise I wouldnt br struggling. In a few months, she will be movimg.a small distance away, so whatever will be will be. I think in my relationship with my A I was very active in the control patyerns of codependench. And with her, I was in the compliance patterns. I also think I was trying to "save ,y addict brother", and with him, and I think ai wwas trying to receive the love I didnt get from my mother with her. Lots to learn here. I just did some yoga and meditation, and I know it was good for me. TThanls.