The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is Jackie and I'm not new to the boards.......just took a few years off.
My husband is an alcoholic. He is in denial. He doesnt want to stop drinking.
I have been struggling for several years. I keep think that things are going to get better. I keep thinking that one day soon, he will get help. I keep thinking that we still have a marriage.....but we dont. Marriage is sacred. How can I walk away from that? He stood by me when I had cancer twice and now I'm gonna give him the boot? All he does, is sit in a room, drink beer and watch porn. We have not had a physical relationship in almost 4 yrs and i have no desire to have one.
Presently I am looking at apts for myself and my daughter. I have to get her out of this enviroment bc she is so negatively affected. She hears us fighting.......and so do her friends. She hears her dad say mean things to me. She is embarrassed to bring friends over. She is 16, and I dont want the last 2 yrs of highschool to be torturist living here.
I am wishy-washy. One day I dont want to leave and feel like we can work this out in marital counselling.......the next day I'm ready to run out the door. I pull into my driveway and get nauseated when I see his car.He stammers in the house walking into walls, slurring his speech, and actually will have a conversation w/ my daughter & her friends- hes an idiot. I'm blamed for everything. I am bipolar so he uses that against me and says that "my" problem is worse than his. I get called a 'xxxx' bitch, get told to 'xxxx' off, or told "xxxx' you all of the time and in front of my kid and anyone else who may be having a beer in the house. It is humiliating.
We were on a recent vaca and he was his usual drunken self. I sat on the 14th floor balcony and just looked down. I knew then, that it was time to call for help. I decided that I cant and dont want to deal with this in my life anymore. He has beaten me down so many times, and I admit that I am no angel and not very nice to him a lot of times. What am I going to do when my daughter leaves for college and i'm stuck with him?
He wont leave the house, so I'm going to have to. I need peace and quiet. I dont need disruption. I am discouraged, self conscious, feel like I'm nothing and now one else would want me--he tells me that all of the time. I am sad and lonely as well as depressed. How can I be thinking of staying in this marriage? I must be nuts !
I need support and i need help. I know this is what i will get with these boards and meetings and chat rooms. A friend I met here, yrs ago, convinced me to come back.
I need to DETACH first. Please help me out with detaching and how to do it. I'm scared and frustrated. he's drunk and happy.
Thanks
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 4th of July 2012 10:37:16 AM
So glad you are here! We all have our "bottoms"' and it sounds like the painful moment on the balcony was yours. After almost two years of attending al anon meetings, reading the literature, attending this site, and getting the support form others in al anon, I can look back on my "bottom" as one of the bet things that ever happened to me. There is beauty and joy to be had in this life, and sometimes the beginning of that comes from a spark of a moment of pain and loneliness. The meetings in particular were so helpful in the the support and understanding I needed from being married to a man whose drinking was a BIG problem for me and my two small children. Inciidently, my husband is still not sober, but my life has gotten so much better, and I am a better mom as a result of it. Sending you tremendous support!
I can tell that you are overwhelmed by everything you are going thru. You have to start somewhere and the best place to start is with YOU. Glad your back so you can begin again. Everything is a process and to get from point a to point b doesnt happen just by wishing it were different. We have to take the actions and have a plan. In order to get the plan we have to gain strength and confidence. To get the strength and confidence, we have to have an open mind and try some new approaches. You cant do anything about his behavior, but you certainly can learn to react in different ways. Alanon will certainly help you with that.
Stick with Alanon for awhile and it will help you find the solutions you are looking for but for today what are you going to do for Jackie?? "Just for Today" you wont tackle all the problems. I use to think if the A stopped drinking all would be well and I would be happy. But its much better if we learn some tools on how we can be happy whether they are drinking or not. Detachment is difficult, but with practice it can be achieved.
