The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After living in crazytown for quite a few years, I started accepting that it is just that, crazy! (ha, ha...so many revelations!) With the help of Al Anon, I'm starting to allow myself to realize that I don't have to accept ALL the craziness and I am starting to listen to my intuition again.
A few days ago, my kids were out with RAH, younger ones got in a squabble about something and my AH told my son to stop acting like a jackass and if he didn't, he was going to grow up to be a terrible person. Well, of course son came hope very upset, shaking and crying and told me what happened. We had a talk, and he calmed down. The usual.
I realize that I only heard his side of the story, but I tend to believe him because I've heard almost those exact words spoken to him on quite few occasions. And even if the words he used weren't exact, that is obviously the message he got from it. When this has happened before and I am there, I usually step in and say something like, that is inappropriate and how about I handle this. In my mind, giving RAH a chance to step back, cool off and choose a different way to handle it. But, then I'm the one who usually gets yelled at for "undermining his authority". In my view, talking to a child like that is showing abuse, not authority.
In this case, I didn't even bring it up to RAH--I couldn't deal with the inevitable denial, justifications, and backlash. Just talked to my son and said a prayer.
It feels like I'm doing the wrong thing...to let it go without an argument with RAH. Is this what it feels like to stop trying to control? I am far from perfect as a parent, but talking to a child that way is not acceptable to me. Obviously my attempts in the past to change that behavior in AH have made no difference. Hmmm, go figure. I feel very afraid that by giving up control in this case, I'm not being protective. On the other hand, I realize my attempts at "protectiveness" in the past were not really all that successful, it never stopped those situations from happening. Feeling pretty crappy over the whole thing.
Sounds like something my Dad would tell my brothers when they were growing up and my Dad was not an alcoholic. Not everything is alcoholic behavior. I know times have changed and we all have becomes sensitive to what is abusive and what is not. I think it has gone to the extreme. We cant always be there to protect our kids.
When your sons become older they will have to deal with Dad on their own terms. You cant always be the buffer, that is why its wise to back off from some situations. They will have to decide how they feel about their Dad. Has nothing to do with you. Of course you can tell your husband in privacy how you feel about his way of talking to your sons. You can tell him anything as long as its said in a civil tone.
I bet your son has long forgotten what was said, but you havent. Im sure with your good parenting the scales will balance out.
I'm in the camp that says that it does sound damaging to me. I guess the question is: what is the best way to deal with it? It sounds as if your RAH is not very receptive to your comments. If he were never going to change, what would the next choice be? Talking to your son about how this is not normal, kind behavior sounds like a good thing, which is what it sounds like you did. Even if he has to hear it, he should know that it's not right, that he should not imitate that kind of unkindness (as many kids do, feeling that that's how to be "powerful"), and that something is wrong in your RAH's brain. It reminds me of those kids who were bullying that poor bus monitor. Those kids had to have learned that behavior somewhere. I do think it's important for our kids and for harmony in the world generally that we teach kids that even if some people act out of control, they shouldn't take it personally and they shouldn't believe that's a good or kind way to behave.
I don't know how much control you have over your child seeing your RAH, but I personally wouldn't want my kid exposed to anyone who calls him names, much less a parent who does. That's my thought.
