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Thank you so much Jerry. He is coming too, he's 4 bottles of water into sobering up. He did good, he talked to me about just that, needing not my pity but empathy. I'm not good at that, I throw up giant walls when I get hurt. We talked for 2 hours, it was a pretty good talk but he had a good laugh when his "stories" were not adding up and I go "um, I'm an analyst for a living...you know the basis of analyst right? ANAL" and then he just sighed and owned up. And I softened up but didn't get caught up. I was able to actually see the disease as this completely separate thing from him. Pretty soon I was cracking jokes. He goes "you poured 14 dollars worth of vodka down the drain" I said "it's only 14 dollars to save your life? that's 'xxxx' cheap". He had to laugh. But then I said "so what time does your school get out tomorrow?" he says "noon" I said, whats the nearest meeting time after? "1 pm, why do you want me to go to a meeting" and I said "um, I don't like that question" and he goes "ok how about this...I think I might go to the meeting tomorrow" and I said "I think that's a fabulous idea". LOL. Anyway I think we'll survive this I told him "next time your disease lies to you and tells you it's fun and come visit it, you tell it to come talk to me".
Anyway, humor has gotten me through a lot of tough things. Sometimes you can use humor with truth and make the point easier to swallow.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 3rd of July 2012 10:21:19 AM
So I suspected it yesterday, he lied (I expected that but he did not appear intoxicated). Last night his PTSD dreams returned and by the time I got home it was clear. Found his stash, confronted him and gave him two options. He's too intoxicated to drive so I told him either he found a way to leave, or he goes to bed, sobers up and is leaving in the morning.
He tried the tricks, bargaining, crying, guilt and I shut them all down. He tried drama next with "fine if this is how you feel I"m out" and I said "I don't do drama, you walk out you won't be getting back in".
He's asleep. I've got some thinking to do obviously. He's got a 6 pack of water bottles and his phone in the room, I told him I refuse to be near him. He's pissed, he'll get over it.
The night remains to be seen. He has told me once he can't stop cold turkey, tonight he claims he can. I'm prepared to call 911 if needed.
Lesson learned here. He made the choice to say he could handle being in an environment where other people were drinking. We went camping. There was a lot of alcohol around and apparently he made it until Sunday morning, got up early to pee and saw a bottle of something and it started there. Last night after we unpacked, he went to the store to get milk .... yeah apparently a couple bottles of vodka jumped in the cart. The thing is, he knows full well that I have no trouble avoiding those types of events. I can see my friends in other ways and I don't drink either just because I'm not a drinker anyway. Either he thought he could handle it and misjudged or maybe he got caught up thinking he'd be keeping me from my friends. Well when he's sober that conversation can be had again.
He will have to go to his house tomorrow for a couple of days (or longer depending on what choices he makes). He's been pleading with me and finally I said "I am not having this conversation with you drunk" and that was the end of it.
I've got lots of time to think this through thankfully as well as praying.
(((C))) remember that he has the disease too. You are both feeling lost and hurt and angry and sad and all those other feelings. Don't loose the compassion as you turn him over to HP. He's got the anesthesia of alcohol to block out some of the reality and it does wear off after a while and a new set of chaos, crises, panic and terror come in. Those that can help him can be found in the rooms of AA if he wants to be helped...otherwise the choice and consequences are his. You have your own. In support (((((hugs)))))
Well today is a new day. I'm at work, he's sobered up, he hurt his back camping seriously so he's finally eating and taking something for the pain. I'm going to do my day and what he decides to do today is his choice. It was very eye opening to come face to face with the disease as a separate thing. And when I took the time to assess me, and what made me initially react with such anger, was that I was mad at myself for not trusting my own instinct. When I confronted him Sunday because I suspected it, even though he was not showing outward signs of drinking - instead of trusting MY gut, I listened to his lie and allowed myself to second guess myself. Then last night, I really knew, confronted him, he lied again and for a moment I wanted to believe him. Thats why I was so mad. And then when I clarified for him my basic rules - he agreed to them.
I know he wants to, but I have to handle this by what he chooses. And I think I can learn the "with love" part of detachment, but it's going to take some practice. The big detachment work I've done is with my abusive ex and for that, there is no love. Always things to learn. And today I feel good because I did not walk away from this feeling like it belongs to me. I can see it as his, I carried on with my life but was able after talking last night to separate him from his disease.
Thank you all for being here to talk to or just listen or whatever. It's a huge help.
It didnt happen overnite. There were times I wanted to take my car and run him over.
Right now Im in a great place. I am a senior citizen. I have been married 3 times. The longest with the A. I have no desire to be married or in a relationship. Had one relationship after all this, couldnt do it. I stopped it in its tracks. It was doomed and I could see it. WOW.
I want to help others, and like others before me , I want to share the experience.
Livin it One Day at a Time.....Hugs
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 3rd of July 2012 10:18:40 PM
26 years of living and loving a man with the disease of alcoholism. Divorced 5 years. In all those years I started Alanon 4 years into the marriage. I just wanted him to stop and I didnt care how he did it. I just wanted him to make my world right. After all he had to do was STOP. All those years and it didnt dawn on me that he couldnt. There were a few times he wanted me to be happy and he would stop, for me, he certainly wanted the marriage. He was a hard working man, never missed a day of work. Even up until the day he finally was stopped and got a DUI, that was 25 years of driving drunk. He was a responsible person in other ways too. Always paid his bills, always gave me the money for the household. I also worked. but the other side of that was, so many nites he never came home. The drinking got worse. He considered himself fortunate because he worked in the Hotel industry and never had to spend money drinking. The drinking continued. I thought if only he would go to AA. Then he will stop. He never drank on the job, it was always after. He was a perfectionist at his work. He got Employee of the month at least 6 times. He worked at this Hotel 26 years. A loyal employee., but the drinking continued and he got worse. Then all hell broke lose...he couldnt keep up the big lie any longer. That his drinking had completely taken him over. That he was carrying on an affair with a woman off and on for 10 years, she was pregnant. I had an idea, I mean the man never came home and when he finally did go to AA, he was coming home drunker then ever. But being in Alanon for so many years, I learned to not check up on him, I never followed him. I didnt have the energy for that. I knew I would find out in time.When he told me the kids, (yes kids, twins were almost a year old. He didnt find out she had kept the babies and she didnt tell him until they were 6 months old. An affair I could handle, twins, that was beyond me. 6 months before he had a heart attack, now I knew the reason. The stress from her having the twins. She told him if he didnt tell me, she was. Well it was all out in the open now and his drinking was even worse, he fell down the stairs, he choked on his vomit and almost died in his sleep, one nite on a busy street, he was lost, driving and he fell out of his car onto a busy hiway, he was just lying there. The Police came along, beat him up and he had fractured ribs, they then called an ambulance, I thought he was looking for an apartment as I asked him to leave and he was in the ER. He has been in every ER room in the SFV. He wouldnt leave....I had to find the apt., and actually force him out. Then he got laid off, he was drinking vodka non stop, I had no contact with him for a year, he was on unemployment. We split the money in the savings, he didnt pay off his car that only had a balance of 5000.00, he drank it away, plus he got the DUI, which cost him 40,000.00 all together as he rearended another party and they claimed back injuries. All this time he was going to AA, one day I heard from him and he said , I dont feel well, I cant stop vomiting, I called the paramedics, they had to break down his door, he had ruptured his esofhagus , the apt. looked like a crime scene. They had to give him 40 pints of blood to keep him alive, he survived. His unemployment ran out, he had not money, he went to sober living, he was going to AA, he was sober and alive. He got a job, he bought a 2nd hand car, he was doing better for almost a year , meanwhile I filed for divorce and living my own life. It was hard. We were together for so long, but he had just plain worn me out. I had a mini stroke , still strong with Alanon and my Buddhist practice, I knew I couldnt retreat. The alcoholic had another mis hap he fell on the street and hit his head, he was bleeding profusely, I guess a stranger called the paramedics and they stiched him up. Today, he lives in his car, he is not drinking, he works part time for an auto dealership for hardly nothing. He goes to the mission to shower. His determination and dignity amaze me. He still goes to AA, he has amazing celebrity friends that watch out for him. His life is amazing, his spirit is amazing, my respect and love have grown to a level that goes beyond what I ever felt for him before, that was just mere selfish love. I have so much compassion for what this man has been thru. I dont know why I have told you all of this. I guess I thought once he went to AA, he would stop drinking and our life would be normal and It would be happy ever after, but the HP had other intentions. The Universe was and is not done with him or me. I let go back then and look what happen , amazing stuff.
You have such a wonderful program and you handle things as they come. Sending so much love and support, keep bringing it here.
Bettina, I love your share I hope some day I can feel about my STBXA the way you do about yours. My compassion button is out of order and I just know that I have to keep working on me to make myself better. At least it's out of order and it's not totally not there .. I love the fact that I can go to the open AA and remember that he is also one of God's children .. wow .. it's going to take a lot of time and distance from the divorce before I can get there.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you Bettina, I have a lot of compassion for my BF, but I don't have any space in my life for him to be here that way. I kept the rule simple, you have to be sober to be with me or around me. I have updates up top, going to enjoy my day today and tomorrow with family. His disease doesn't stop my life. I also have to break to him that I promised my oldest son a camping trip at the end of this month - and BF won't be invited. I can't and won't have him there and we are going.
Right now I pray and I've seen him do this. I know he wants it, he does not want to be drinking but his disease is strong so just picking up one sip spiralled into this in the matter of 2 days. So for me I have to worry about me and my kids. For right now I don't know what he is going to decide in the next few days, if he'll go to detox and stay, if he'll get help and get back on his feet. I'm thankful for my other boundary - he's not moving in with me. Problem is the VA place he was renting a room from may not allow him back, I don't know but that's not my issue and I won't let it be.
This is hard but I'm clear enough to know the right things to do. Letting him stay here is bad. I just focus on that, not the feelings that come and go and try to feel sorry for him. I care about him deeply, but having had to do a lot of tough love for my own kids already, it's second nature for me to avoid pity and to 'push' vs 'carry'. Whether he goes left or right when I push is his choice.
Your absolutely correct in what your doing. I dont see my X A on a regular basis. He calls on the phone occasionally, the boundary has always been he cannot talk to me if he is drunk. Im glad he has found sobriety. He does not participate in my life, lets just say I know what he is up too and was trying to give hope to others. Yes, I couldnt hold out that long and wait for his sobriety, and took another path.
Its always nice to know that when you leave a person behind that they also win in their struggle.
I told him "next time your disease lies to you and tells you it's fun and come visit it, you tell it to come talk to me".