I've been married for 24 yrs. There were issues before we got married with alcohol and substance abuse, but I figured that these would change once we were married! (yeah, I know!)

Early on things weren't good, moved 300 miles from friends and family to begin a new life (my idea) and to save the marriage..Had two boys in two years and became a stay-at-home mom. This is where the controlling enabling came into play. He had a hard time finding a job and blamed me for moving..found a job that he's had for the past 23yrs. but hates. He has rotating shifts, so it was impossible for me to find anything as far as work goes, until the kids were in school. I took care of everything and everyone, but he held the purse strings.

Took school related jobs while the kids were in school so I could be there for their after school activities. All the while he drank. I would cover his behavior so the kids wouldn't know, but since he is a functioning alcoholic, he never missed work and since he hates his job, his sense of entitlement is all encompassing.

When my youngest son went off to college, I told him I wanted a divorce. I don't know what I was thinking then, because I had no plan. It took him by surprise. I guess he really hadn't been taking me seriously all those years, or as he said, "I'd always come around" later. He said he'd do anything to keep us together, loved me, etc. and really did try. It was a blissful three months...was the person I always hoped he would be. But then, he slowly started drinking again because 'he could handle it'. And then of course the resentment started also.

He got a phone call from his brother in another state saying that his mother was dying and needed to come and live with us. He never got along with his brother, who lost everything and was living with his mother. But I think that since they lived so far away, he was always subconsiously waiting for this phone call. We battled about this. I had gone back to work full time at a job I absolutely love. According to him, I was just suppose to get a job to pay the bills, not actually like it.

Anyway, I pointed out several inconsistancies and problems with having his mother come. If she was actually 'dying' they would never be able to get her on a plane, nobody was home during the day (kids at school, work,etc) so nobody would be able to care for her, etc. (BTW...wound up being post nasal drip)

He started drinking heavily and didn't try to hide it. One night he went out and got arrested for dui and drug paraphenalia. Lost his license and that is when the hell truly began. The verbal abuse was incredible. He actually took my son's bike to the bar. Then he decided that it wasn't a smart idea, and cleaned out the utility shed at the back of the house and that's where he goes to drink and smoke (recently started doing that after not smoking for 25yrs.)

I went to a couple of lawyers who said that since the mortgage is in both our names, the only way I can get off it is by selling or refinancing. He's letting the house fall apart around us and is resistant to having it fixed. (according to him, I'm overreacting) I would LOVE to leave,but can't swing it financially unless he buys me out). Both children (now 21 and 22) still live at home due to financial reasons (can't afford to move out). He says that I'll get nothing if we divorce because he'll make sure the lawyers get everything, the kids will be out in the street and I will have destroyed the family.

So this is where I'm at...wanting to leave, but feel as though financially anyway, I can't. One son has already told me that if I leave, he's not staying and that instead of going to college, he's going to have to find an apartment.

I feel as though I've enabled my family to be this way because I controlled everything. I'm letting go of that control and am finding it actually easier than I thought..no one else feels that way tho.

I've been to Al Anon, but feel that I'm ready to take the next step, but don't want my sons out on the street or myself for that matter!

I apologize for the length...it just kinda poured out of me! I'm hoping someone else has been in this situation. I've more or less given up on the marriage, but am more concerned about my sons...I feel that they are getting a late start on life because I took care of everything, and are not prepared for what lies ahead. DONE!!!