The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Welcome to this board. There are a lot of great regulars here that you can learn a lot from.
I have been living with my ex-recovering AH for a little over a year. Last summer, he entered a rehab facility for the 3rd time and ever since then has been sober.
The last year together has been relatively a breeze. However, he does have immature ways that used to get me. But now, I usually just let these undesirable behaviors pass. Fortunately, he doesn't do anything in public to embarass me, or at least hasn't yet.
How do I handle the undesirable behavior? I remind myself that he is who he is. I don't take it personally. And the few times I felt irritated or said something in response to what he did or said, I later realized that I was trying to control him - wish he were different - that kind of thing.
I don't bury my head in the sand. I'm aware of the behaviors that are immature. When I recognize them, I admit them and then strive to come up with at least 3 other things that I love about him. I practice this all the time - reminding myself what is great about him.
Prior to allowing alcohol control his life for most of his life (he is now 60) he was never a jerk - he was a pretty easy-going guy. So maybe that is why it's easy to live with him again (sober).
As for your husband telling you that you have the problem and that he has fixed his - oh wow - that would bum me out!
Sorry - not really any ESH to share other than to look for what is good about him.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Monday 2nd of July 2012 12:26:41 AM
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
First, I'd like to say thank-you to everyone who posts on this board. I'm a few months new to al anon and have been reading this board for about 6 months. I am so thankful to all of you who post here--you may have no idea how much you've helped me in the last few months. Reading here is also what prompted me to give f2f meetings another try and I am so glad I tried again!
My struggle lately is this, my AH has been sober for just over a year and seems to be working a very strong program in AA. He is very active, 5 or so meetings a week, has a sponsor and even a sponsee. He is determined not to relapse and does not seem to be headed that way. I am very proud of him and grateful that sobriety was brought into his life.
However, I still find myself needing to detach from so much of his behavior...mostly the emotional manipulation. He is very disturbed if I have any "negative" emotions or really, even if I have positive emotions that are not directly related to him. This is not new, but it seems harder to deal with now than when he was actively drinking, maybe partly because I am no longer in denial about what's happening and also because he keeps telling me he's so much better. He basically tells me he's done all the work he can on himself and whatever problems are left in our marriage must be mine to deal with. Hmmm, are any of us really ever done with working on ourselves? One year sober, although fantastic, doesn't seem to me to be all that long. I personally feel like I've only made baby steps in a 6 months.
Anyway, I use my tools and try to detach when this this behavior comes up, but I feel like have detached myself right out of my marriage. I have waited and prayed and detached through 12 years of drinking and I just don't feel like I can do it again, waiting for him to grow up emotionally. This stuff still makes me feel crazy, like I did so often when he was drinking, so I know I'm still sick too.
If anyone has ESH about marriage with a newly sober A, I'd appreciate it. Thanks so much!
I thought that the goal was to have an AW become sober and problem solved. Your post along with others on this site are telling me that sobriety unmasks other issues. My AW went to see her doctor and I think had an epiphaney. During her visit, she dumped her mind about her issues and life. The doctor put her on an SSRI. I have seen a change. The complusive behavior and defensiveness have curtailed. We are having conversations.
I can relate when you say you feel you are detaching yourself out of your marriage. I felt that was as well. I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to do by detaching from my AH problems and allowing him to be grown up. I also detached to protect myself from his hurtful words and emotional manipulation. Unfortunately my AH decided that he could do everything himself and quick going to meetings once he moved back home. He relapsed about 10 months ago. He blames me that our marriage wasnt working as I wasnt getting the help I needed. We are seperated now.
My AH used to tell me that I needed to go see someone, that I needed to go to meetings cause he was all better, but I obviously wasnt and that was why I was in such a bad mood. To be honest, I was in a bad mood, because I seemed to constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop. That was my fault. I had so many expectations and so many resentments. That is my fault. On the other hand, he didnt do what he promised by getting a job and continuing his recovery in the program. That is his fault.
I hear that it gets better the more recovery they have under their belt and only 1 year sober isnt a whole lot of time.
Sending lots of hugs and support your way dragonflys
My husband is six years sober now and has no programme, I think it is equally if not harder to cope with a recovering alchoholic, I am proud and happy he doesn't drink and alot of the chaos and drama has gone form our daily lifes, but I have learnt through alanon drinking in is only a symptom there are many deep rooted problems that remain, of course they are doing an amazing job staying sober but you look back how their insanity affected us and how manipulitive and controling they are, bless them for thinking they can decide when they have done enough to say their ok now, and blame someone else, sorry but I don't belive it happens that way, life is a constant ever changing and so must we, my husband is almost like a third child lol, he acts like one at times in his reasoning and he is very nagative and withdrawn, he doesn't have friends and doesn't want any, if someone hurts or crosses him he takes it all too personally in my opinion, so what about us? I allowed my husbands personality to suck the life out of mine, It bothered me how he treated people and how they responded including me and his children, I have grown to belive thats all he knows how to be, thats how he always has coped, so I think this is where we have to learn to detach from them, jeez that was hard I thought what? stop loving stop caring ? and it's took ages and ages years 6 for me too to understand it and I am only just scratching the surface, all I can reccomend is get busy, even on the carppy days when you feel like you can't go on, make yourself, don't think too much just do, and you can feel that horrible weight lifting and glimpses of serenerty start to happen, you are not responisble for anyones elses happiness but your own, belive in yourself trust your your first instincts, and if in doubt don't, he is not healthy enough of mind and body to be the one for you to take direction from, it's ongoing find your own support in people who have what you want and practice doing what they do and see if you like how that feels.
you wrote: "I still find myself needing to detach from so much of his behavior...mostly the emotional manipulation. He is very disturbed if I have any "negative" emotions or really, even if I have positive emotions that are not directly related to him"
I have no idea if this is the case with your A, but emotions CAN be drinking triggers...positive emotions = celebratory drinking, negative emotions = drinking to drown sorrows...
so this may not be conscious manipulation on his part, but his early recovery coping to keep emotions "even" so he won't want to drink...
As like to anesthetize feelings...it's easier than feeling them...so maybe since he is still early in recovery...this is his way of dealing with uncomfortableness of emotion...
either way....detach detach detach...YOU have a right to feel a full range of life's emotions....
Just as I learn in Al-Anon that I have this problem of telling people "YOU change so that I can be okay.", the A does the exact same thing (whether drinking or not).
In my own experience, it's taken me a long time to kick that line of thought from my thinking. If I'm working my program well, it doesn't matter if someone next to me is blowing up or bouncing off the walls. When I'm centered and keeping my HP in my life, other people's emotions and/or behaviors do not affect me and how I feel.
The A is still fairly fresh in his program. He's learning how not to go to the bottle, but hasn't quite grasped some of the other key components - that other people are not the key to his happiness or misery. Just as Al-Anons learn this exact same thing, too.
Keep coming back and remember that the only person responsible for the A's feelings is the A himself.
LOVE this response! Pretty much sums it all up. A BIG thanks to Aloha
Aloha wrote:
Just as I learn in Al-Anon that I have this problem of telling people "YOU change so that I can be okay.", the A does the exact same thing (whether drinking or not).
In my own experience, it's taken me a long time to kick that line of thought from my thinking. If I'm working my program well, it doesn't matter if someone next to me is blowing up or bouncing off the walls. When I'm centered and keeping my HP in my life, other people's emotions and/or behaviors do not affect me and how I feel.
The A is still fairly fresh in his program. He's learning how not to go to the bottle, but hasn't quite grasped some of the other key components - that other people are not the key to his happiness or misery. Just as Al-Anons learn this exact same thing, too.
Keep coming back and remember that the only person responsible for the A's feelings is the A himself.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
the key to my recovery was to not wait for him to do anything and get my life back , one yr sober is not along time and to me he is still in the Stark raving sober part of recovery . thinking he has fixed all he needs to about himself is laughable hopefully his sponsor will continue to guide him and looking at himself . Learning to speak up about things that are bothering you takes time , you do have a right to an opinion . Alcoholism is always about them , which is why it was so important for me to have my own program and people who would listen , after a yr my husb and I decided that we dont get to take each others inventory , 90% of the time this works for us . If we have a problem with what one of us is doing we say so (once ) then let it go .
