Even when they are sober....... - Al-Anon Family Group

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Even when they are sober.......

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Take care of you! Sending you much love and support!

texasgal · Senior Member

I too have the same problems with my soberA he does or says things that baffle me. My part is enabling him in his stupidity. I'm learning & relearning everyday. It's hard to live with myself & my thoughts & then to live & take part in his junk is madness. I wish I had a convertible :) I too have a dog that i take with me to dog park or drive around with. She never judges me, is always happy to see me, & loves me always. I don't know why they say men are dogs all my dogs have acted way better than my soberA....LOL

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like my entire married life. I can totally relate. My AH also goes off about corrupt politicians, the demise of our economy and how he'll never be able to retire and life will suck because he'll have to work until he's 90, and yes overpaid athletes come up every so often, too. Did we marry twins separated at birth, LOL?

FYI: I never try to explain him to strangers. I did get some sympathetic looks from folks at the Honolulu airport a few months back. We were coming back the mainland and had to stand in 'another line' and get our bags scanned before getting on the plane and my AH's patience was OVER. I had bought a water in the terminal and thought I was safe to keep going with it as we had gone through security. Well, AH railed me about that and thought we wouldn't get through this second scan with the water and he yells VERY LOUDLY, "Why don't you just light a hundred on fire? You wasted your money on a stupid water bottle? STUPID." Anyway, every single person standing around heard him and I got many looks and I didn't say a word. Starting a fight in public with him is NOT a good idea. I marched away from him practically running to the gate with our son leaving him behind. Once on the plane, he apologized but the damage had already been done. It's stuff like that that make me realize that I just don't like him a lot of the time, drinking or not.

Oh, and I'm so jealous of you having a convertible! I would love to buy one but it's just not practical with all the travel I do for my son's tennis tournaments. I have an SUV and it gets packed as it is, LOL!

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember the binges so well. My experience for years... the convertible, the tropical vacation, the shopping sprees, the weekly massage, etc. etc.... none of it had the capacity to change me long term, they were all too temporary and not unlike applying a band-aid. Living with the disease of alcoholism had bankrupted me too - mind, body, and spirit - and I have to feed all three of those or I tend to come up short....

Best thing for ME to do when life feels unmanageable, is run to a meeting, it changes everything. Then call my sponsor. Those two things have the power to give me a new mindset that I can take with me the NEXT time it happens... for me there was ALWAYS a next time ((hugs))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have thought a lot about your situation over the years. Getting to know you better all the time.

As I read this post something hit me. My experince too!

When you shut your office door, take your sweet dog for a ride with the wind and beauty right there, THAT is how it feels to not live with an A.

I invite you to do that more and more, get away, pay attention to how that feels. I don't know if he ever leaves, but possibly do it when he is gone too and see how it feels to come home HOME to a quiet, mellow house.

When you start to really love the serenity that you do experience more and more, whatever makes you allow him to live with you, be with you will not be important You will want the serenity, the contentment ever so much more.

I know how an A's actions can be embarrassing. But remember that is NOT on you. In fact others will feel bad for you. I would have trouble containing myself if anyone abused a child like that.

That would be my back he would see leaving where ever we were.

Diva what is being alone? I can guarentee you feel more alone now, than you ever would with out living like this.

I have been living with just me and my animals for geez ten years now., gads. I rarely feel alone. or lonely per say. I do feel lonely for my family and loved ones who have passed If I am just feeling alone, I go to my friends places, call someone, arrange lunch with my fun gal friends.

Believe me, you as social as you are, if you chose to, would not be alone long anyway. You are beautiful inside and out, great manners, class, love animals, care about a job well done, love music and make it!

You have a rich history, not money, but your families part in the world so many years!!!

He is not a lost dog who needs you.He is a man who needs to get out there and figure things out for himself and grow up. We are nuturers Diva, but in this situation, we are not helping them, and hurting us.

Food for thought lady, your friend, debilyn

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

You know Debilyn, I have been associated with this board for a loooong time, and I have read thousands of posts and more thousands of replies. I have never heard one that hit home more than the reply you made to me on this thread. It all makes so much sense. YOU make so much sense. I am going to take your words to heart and see if I can implement your ideas into my life. Thank you, thank you for your insight.

I send you and the critters love and gentle, positive energy.

Diva

Chaya · Senior Member

This morning I woke up with my cat and dog cuddled up alongside of me and I felt sooooo loved. It wasn't like that waking up with my ex, but waking up with my animals or my daughter snuggling up next to me allows me to feel a true healthy love. Chaya

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

I started thinking about why I have no fear of adopting animals with issues. Even BIG issues ... Sully always had a fear based fit meeting other dogs, scaring everyone in a mile radius with his size, foaming mouth and LOUD bark but he responded to kindness, dealt with his issues each time and made lots of canine friends. Same with the cocker who was isolated for years, the border collie who was tossed food then kicked when he tried to eat it, the ignored bad attention is good little beast Pax has adopted for his best friend right now LoL, and so many others Not only do they respond to my attention but they have respect for my boundaries and limits because I enforce them. I am strong with them, I believe in myself with them and I can listen to my gut about what is right and wrong. I KNOW and will follow through what I need to do to provide safety and serenity for myself, them and the other living creatures in my home.

Basic behavior of damaged people or animals is understandable and sometimes acceptable, I am not perfect and do not expect anyone else to be. BUT just because I can not and am not responsible for aplogising and dragging the offending exAH home on a leash to work on bad behavior does not mean I have to participate in it either. There are no signs reading, please do not leave your rude, obnoxious spouse, family member or friend unattended, anywhere.

I second Deb's views on spending time alone. I find now that I crave that time body, mind and soul to recharge so i am better able to detach and live responsible for my actions without being sucked into other's manner of life. Not only does the time allow me to have the energy, strength etc to work through difficult, or even every day obstacles but it also does not allow me to build a tolerance to ways of life I am not comfortable with. I stay grounded in MY life and ways of life.

Thanks for all the replies that got me thinking ...
Jen

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Diva that made me feel so happy. Sometimes I have to gather things in my head, and I do talk to my HP.

Really it is not me but HP works thru me, I give him all the credit. I feel blessed if I help someone.

(c: So my dear go do things that make ya happy, and pay attention to how that feels.

hugs dear friend,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.