The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
just started logging on to this site and its been a great help already - my husband of 14 years is an alcoholic in denial and has been full on drinking since his 'soulmate' pal died two years ago in july. we have two small children so i had to ask him to leave the family home for their safety and mine. He comes home at weekends and on a wed to see the kids. I have started doing the steps and they are great- i have a sponsor and she is great - i have two councillors and they are great - i know i am doing all the right stuff but it is hellova hard. I came over to live in NZ with my husband from scotland and i love it hear but at the mo. i am so homesick - i do have friends here but family and friends at home are who i crave for. I know it would be the wrong move to go back there so i won't go there!!
at the moment i am trying to deal with emotions such as loneliness, sadness at the state of my marriage, anger at the situation because i feel he has abandoned us by choosing drink before us , frustration because he is not in recovery but he says he is - he is kidding himself on. I try to tell him how i feel and the only emotion he can summon up is anger - he says i hate him and its really obvious cos its in my eyes - it doesn't cross his mind i have other emotions other than hate n anger - he can only think if himself - 'poor me, pour me another' is a quote from my councillor which is so true of his situation at the mo. She reckons he has still to hit rock bottom - i was sure it had been already!!
it all sounds very bitter and horrible but thats where i am - my main quest at the moment is finding a way to deal with the large amounts of resentment that are oozing out me pores!! i am sure many of you have had to deal with this too so i am looking for tips - i feel very sorry for myself too - so basically, i know it won't happen overnight, but i would like to get rid of all the negative emotions and fill up that gap with positivity and hope for the future so i can help my kids into a happy life
cheers and thanks for reading
fiona
-- Edited by Fiona on Saturday 30th of June 2012 06:27:00 PM
It does get better and if I think of resentments as taking poison waiting for the other person to die it puts into perspective that resentments hurt me far more than the other person. I do not have to like their behavior. I can change my own response to that behavior.
I can't remember if you are attending alanon meetings or not I hope you will seek out that support.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Fiona. Welcome to the MIP boards. I used to have such resentments towards my partner and my A dad because I didn't understand their illness. I was so full of hate and fury and indignation. More recently tho as I've been working thru step one, those resentments have turned more into emotional pain because now I understand that both my partner and my dad (now and growing up) are sick in ways that my anger, resentment and indignation can't change or control. This disease doesn't respond to a normal sense of responsibility or remorse or acknowledgement of the consequence of their actions on another. It makes them not be able to care even when they do very much. Or be able to see others clearly and be mature enough to emapathise with other people's feelings. So now it feels more sad and disappointing and painful right now in my process, because I'm having to deal with the idea that I can't change them no matter what. To deal finally with the powerlessness of it all. I think my resentments were me hanging onto the last shread of hope that they were doing it deliberately and abandoning me when they could do different. Turns out they can't.. P.S. I'm here in Britain, so I will send your love to Scotland. :o) love Tigger x
Here we are, continents apart, and we offer love and support to one another. Let us stop looking for empathy from the broken souls and look to one another for encouragement. Love from California, Chaya
To Fiona, I am so sorry you are hurting. I have heard the same thing from my AH, that I look at him glaringly and that I hate him. I have explained that I don't hate him, I just don't like him sometimes especially when his disease takes over and his brain can't think logically. He thinks he's logical but he's not, because he's not capable of being empathetic or sensitive or humble. Just wanted to say that I understand and that I hope you keep coming back!
- so basically, i know it won't happen overnight, but i would like to get rid of all the negative emotions and fill up that gap with positivity and hope for the future so i can help my kids into a happy life