another day? - Al-Anon Family Group

texasgal · Senior Member

another day?

texasgal · Senior Member

He went to get us some breakfast & he is acting like nothing is wrong. Idk I guess I should just let it go.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This is what I thought would happen. My AH when I first lived with him back in the day, would threaten to leave then leave. I honestly thought that was that! I even allowed a friendship with this great guy continue and he was great. A came back like nothing had changed.

I told him I was seeing E. He lost it like I had done something wrong. OH he did not mean it. Well I was sooooo green I wasn't even a bud yet! I had NO idea.

Then years later when we were married, I just let it all slide off my shoulders. He said stupid stuff, repeating it. burning barn down, burning house down, leaving, going to kill himself, going to go shoot someone whatever. I would non chalantly say yaya ok whatever and keep watching tv or reading.

They are sick with diseased Brains. Nothing they say really matters. I just wanted him safe. Still do.

I invite you to learn from this hard lesson. Was it worth it to freak about the fb thing? Better to leave it alone? What can you learn from this? I would write a journal reminding me what it felt like. Also what it feels like to stop snooping into things we cannot change.

Part of our hunting, watching etc. is to get high. We subconciosly know we will get into a fight. We get used to that high, and it is part of our sickeness.

Glad you are ok sweetheart. I believe in keeping things as light as I can since the A's world is so heavy and full of woe.

hugs,debilyn

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Detaching is very very difficult. The more you do it the better it gets. In the beginning it is very hard.

Maresie.

texasgal · Senior Member

We usually go out & run errands on Saturday together but today he said he was going by himself. My mind is going wild. What if he is going to see her? What if he doesn't want me anymore. Idk what to think & I want my stinking thinking to stop cuz it makes me bonkers I'm so full of anxiety.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

If you have an alanon phone list now would really be the time to use it and get out and live some of your life instead of worrying about what he is or is not doing. He just needs some space, and so do you. Now is not the time to talk about this and that's strictly my opinion, as when emotions run high it's never the time to talk about big things.

Take what you like .. what Maresie said .. it gets easier the more you do it.

Hugs P :)

texasgal · Senior Member

I reached out and called someone from program. I feel so crazy right now. I hate feeling like this I feel so incompetent. I went to store & went to go eat w/friend. I'm came home he is here. He goes to work in a little while & when he is gone I'm going to go wash & visit with program friend. I'm so out of wacky. I'm ashamed of the way I've acted. I felt so out of control.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Whenever this started I learned to walk away. It is hard to put me down or hurt me through my exAH's j/k moments when I disappeared from the room and dettached. I realized it was his way of distracting himself from his issues to follow me around making me mad or feeling bad about mysel, keeping me in a constant state of wondering about my sanity. It came with me exAH's sickness and was a really hard one not to take it personally, since I put too much stock into what he thought of me. When I realized my HP has such a genuine unconditional love for me and I started to believe I was worthy and cared for I really started to be able to make the changes. It's about progress not perfection. Sending you love and support!

pjm15 · Member

Last month, my AH came home drunk (from a strip club he promised not to go to anymore) and started a fight on the 1 yr anniversary of my father's death. He packed a suitcase in front of me and said he was leaving me, divorcing me, etc, etc, etc. He was so loud, the kids woke up and were crying. I tried to ignore him, tried to make him stop. He finally went downstairs and left me alone after what seemed like hours of verbal torture. It was already a bad day........

The next morning, he came upstairs, started rubbing my back and acting all nice like nothing ever happened. He makes my skin crawl. I hate him so much. I wish he had left.....

How do you detach from that????? I have basically avoided talking to him and seeing him as much as possible. I can't stand the lies, I know he's not "running errands" or at "Home Depot". He's at a bar, strip club, or asian massage parlor.

I have no advice for you, unfortunately I'm dealing with the same crappola. Just know you are not alone........

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Yup what BF has said .. deflection .. that is my FAV word I used to use it in at least once a post .. LOL .. I have missed that word greatly!!

Deflection is when they take their issue and pounce back on you, all of a sudden it's how crazy you are .. and you may be, ok .. there was a slippage and that's OK. It's progress not perfection. STOP .. stop beating yourself up. What would you tell your best friend if they called you and said I made a terrible mistake, I want to fix it and I can't. Be that to yourself, tell yourself all of the things that you would tell your bff.

My therapist told my spouse and I in marriage counseling we needed to make a list of what our issues were, his, mine and ours. What I did, since my spouse chose not to do the exercise, was take a look at what was my issues are, what was wrong with my marriage in my eyes, then what wasn't in either column I just put in another column labeled other. I'm not suppose to take someone else's inventory however not mine what do I do with them right? LOL!?

As I did this it became MUCH clearer when my spouse would be deflecting and making it about me when reality was it had nothing to do with me. That's when I could QTIP (Quit Taking It Personal) and walk away, not from the relationship, .. from the things that hit my hot button.

For me then I figured out that I didn't have to stay and put up with the behavior that I was dealing with .. that is me and my choices.

Hugs P :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.