The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What is a good comeback or how do you all handle it when your A is just joking or kidding? I am so tied of taking offense to all his "just joking and I can never take a joke! It is never funny to me! But I would like to just know how everyone handles this, Please!
I am learning to handle all forms of verbal abuse (and what you have described is one of the forms) by reading Patricia Evans' The Verbally Abusive Relationship. And other posters have said she has other books on the subject--whole books dedicated to how to learn to cope. It was a real eye-openeer to me. Mine doesn't use that particular tactic. I can only imagine how annoying and demeaning that must be and how much the perpetrator must enjoy playing "Gotcha.! Ugh. Good luck.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
My exA didn't specifically do this to me too often, but this type of behavior is typically called "gaslighting". If you google it, it will pull up a lot of articles. Maybe it will help you figure out what you'd like to do if you understand what it is and why he's doing it. Basically, its making another person question their sanity and feelings rendering those things useless and powerless because you don't trust them anymore. It's entrapment really, and puts you under their thumb. My ex used another form. He told me I was "too sensitive" and "crazy". (What's funny about that is...my parent's used to do it. Patterns really repeat sometimes.) He is being cruel, I hope that you will at least trust yourself that he IS and that you don't deserve it...even if you don't know how to make him stop. I wish I had the answer for that one. *hugs*
When this happens , I have decided that I have no need to judge their words and justify myself. I keep the focus on myself and validate myself and my choices. f
I speak my truth about myself by saying what I mean mean what i say without saying it mean.
Been there done that. I think detaching is very very difficult. If someone does that kind of stuff to me I don't listen. I get up and go. Why torture myself.
I never knew there was a term for this, GASLIGHTING! Very interesting....... My AH has been telling me that I have a drinking problem and I'm bipolar. He says he has "proof" that I LIE, and he has given all this "proof" to his COUNSELOR and HIS ATTORNEY. And THEY can't believe how horrible I am to him and what a terrible wife I am, etc. He has neither a counselor or attorney (except for his new DUI lawyer!)
It used to cause huge fights, I'd flip out and scream, or end up in tears. He'd walk away or go out drinking because I "forced" him to because of all of my screaming irrational behavior.
I have been trying the detaching thing and it has helped. The more I ignore him and avoid fighting, the more annoyed he gets. The last time he tried turning things around and blaming me for something, I just said "oh, ok, you make sure you keep good records of all of my misdeeds" and he walked away very frustrated. I was laughing (inside at least) instead of crying for a change.
Good luck - you are not alone......... DETACH, stay strong......
