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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Did I screw up?
Post Info TOPIC: Did I screw up?
noclevername


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Did I screw up?
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My sister who is an alcoholic is in a rehab facility. Her daughter has been placed with me by child protective services. Her daughter really misses her and vice versa and I want my sister to be successful so she will have a chance to have her daughter back. So my sister is in the program which is a six month program where they live and work. She was going to be complete in a little over a month. The other day she calls me telling me something bad is going down at rehab and she has to leave and that if I call to ask about it they will lie. (she has given them permission to talk to me about her) she said she was going to leave rehab that day. She said she would get a ride to Walmart and then she wasnt sure where she would go. When i talked to her, i told her she couldn't come to my house. She's not allowed to be with her daughter due to CPS rules for her. I was really worried about two things if she left - her not having a place to go and her starting to drink and use again. So I call her rehab and talk to the director. Turns out my sisterhas been breaking some rules and having to deal with the consequences. Also, during the course of the conversation, they figure out my sister is using a phone when she's not suppose to. (I didn't know this when I was talking to her). And they learned she was thinking about leaving. So she got in trouble. If she wants to stay, she has to start the program over. Also, there are a lot of house consequences she has to deal with. She told them she wants to stay. But the issue is that I am sure she is going to know I talked to them and she's going to be mad. The director told not to worry about it that I probably saved her life. I don't know about that. I want her to be able to be with her daughter again. I dont know what to think or do. I can't call her or see her, I can only write. And I'm still scared that she might leave anyway.

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pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

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You may have saved her life. If you were court ordered to a program like that and needed to be successful would you EVER think of skipping out and 1. Breaking the law, 2. Never getting your daughter back? The fact that she was getting ready to leave like that only suggests she needs way more time and would have relapsed within a day or less. Right now, she's going to be mad at everyone that is forcing her to step up and act like a grown up. Because she is fighting that and wont act like a grown up, the rehab (and others) are set up to be the bad guy cuz they will treat her how she is acting (like a kid).

Essentially, this is the same as a little kid saying "I hate you! I'm running away cuz I don't like your rules!!" Would you blow the whistle on a 10 year old planning on running a way from home like that? Heck yeah. You would not be like "Oh well, I don't want to make the 10 year old mad." When adults need to learn lessons they didn't learn as kids we worry about them "being mad." They also catch on to that and use the hissy fits to get what they want. Also, when an alcoholic/addict is not getting what they want, they blow up the situation into sooooooo much drama and you are actually inclined to believe it. She's at the same state with her judgment and her emotional maturity as a child. It's better to focus on what's good for her than what her feelings might be.

That is just my take on it and I really think you should pat yourself on the back for how you handled it. Many family members would not have had the presence of mind to do what was right in such an emotional situation.

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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Dear noclevername (that certainly is clever)

  I know ithat living with the disease of alcoholism and being supportive to someone in recovery is a difficult job.   I believe that you took the right action for all concerned 

You  have a big responsibly on your shoulders so I am so glad that you found us    We who live with the disease of alcoholism understand as few others can.   We have been affected by the disease. and also need a program of recovery.  

I would like to suggest that you look for alanon Face to Face meetings in your community and attend.  Check out the white pages of your telephone directory  and call.  Meetings help to break the isolation, offer support and new tools to live by  They saved my life

Pleae keep coming back here You are worth it. 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
noclevername


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Thank you so much for your reply. You really put it in perspective. It really helps. I just have to remember her maturity level Andover disease and that she reacts to situations in a much different manner than I would. My bottom line is that I want her to be successful for her sake and her daughter's sake. If she's going to be mad at me to get there then I can deal with it. And I guess I can live with being "the bad guy".

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noclevername


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Betty, I do plan to go to some Al Anon mtgs. I found some in my area and plan to try a few to see which is best for me.

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Debilyn


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You are the best! You chanced your being hurt by sis, to call and hopefully help HER. You put her needs first and were brave enough to do so!

I am proud of you. It is not easy. Rest assured she will be mad but remember it is the sick her being mad, not your loving sis.

You may want this or that, that is normal, but the IS what it is that is important. Let it go, breath, she is in a safe place. If she chooses to leave, then she was not ready to be there. She has to find her own way. It is horribly sad she has a daughter. But daughter will follow your lead.

You showing confidense that you believe no matter what daughter will be ok, will help her. MOm will be ok no mattter what. This is her life.

For me lightening up helped. Go for day trips, rent funny movies, go to the library and get books on neat paintings, pictures of people smiling, animals.

I don't know how old daughter is but your keeping a smile, playing games, teaching her things, make cookies together, talk about how much you love sis and what you love about her, remind little one of good things.

It will help you also. 'sis is on her own path, we don't want to do anything to distract her. I would not write letters full of emotions etc but onlyl about how daughter is, again keeping it light. ignore her bs, let her talk to her counselors there about all she has to say. We do no good being their counselor or confidant. She needs to focus on where she is.

Hugs kiddo, you are doing
GREAT!!! Keep coming for sure! love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Path to Serenity


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You have to separate yourself from the thoughts of what if she leaves and ends up on the street -- remembering that it is her choice. Right now, the child is in a safe place and Mom is in no shape to care for her. If she gets mad at you for talking to the counselors, just blow it off - it's part of her disease. Stay focused on yourself.

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