Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> AH thinks I'm having an affair?
Post Info TOPIC: AH thinks I'm having an affair?
ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1582
Date:
AH thinks I'm having an affair?
Permalink  

My AH seems to think that since he hasn't been getting any lately, that I must be having an affair.  He doesn't know what is wrong in our marriage and can't seem to understand why things are bad?

All I have to say is: WHAT THE HECK???  Seriously, he has no idea?  What planet is he living on?  If he's concerned enough about the marriage to think we're headed for divorce, then shouldn't he at least examine why other than suspect that I'm having an affair?(I'm not, by the way.  Like I have time for another person's crap, lol).  

In reality what is really going on is that I'm not giving in to his pity party.  I'm not opening up emotionally to him anymore.  I'm not coming to him with my heart in my hands and giving myself sexually to someone who, quite frankly, doesn't deserve my intimacy at this point.  I used to give of myself until it hurt.  I'd apologize for things that had nothing to do with me and I'd take the blame for things that I didn't cause just to get him to shut up.  I'm not doing those things anymore.  I guess I am growing and yes, it's going to hurt but I'm getting over some of it.  I'm not having sex just to make him think that things are OK.  I'm not writing him heartfelt letters of forgiveness and of my love for him and crying on his shoulder anymore.  Guess he just doesn't know what to do with that?

I did write him another letter, though.  This one was way more direct and basically told him that I will do marriage counseling IF he quits drinking and gets help for it and IF he commits to 3 months(minimum) of counseling with an addictions counselor on a weekly basis.  I told him I'm tired of living in chaos and that the drinking is a barrier to healing our marriage.  I also asked him to respectfully tell me if he wants to continue drinking so that I can at least know what I'm dealing with.  I didn't give any ultimatums and I don't expect anything honestly.  I guess if he's so dang confused about his 'marriage' then maybe my letter will give him a clue.  Now, have I decided yet to give it to him?  No, not yet.  I'm leaving for FL in the AM and I can always wait things out or see if he opens up conversations.  Yeah right, I doubt that is going to happen.

It's weird how things are turning out.  I feel stronger and he apparently, feels weaker.  Too bad he won't talk to me about things or we might have something to work with someday.



__________________
Struggling to find me......
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

That is the direction things took with me and my ex-A. He was shocked when we wound up having a conversation where it was finally stated that he needed me more than I needed him. At the end he begged me not to leave after years of telling me how messed up I was and how I couldn't make it on my own and needed him.

__________________
Path to Serenity


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 323
Date:
Permalink  

I'd venture to day that he's just looking for someone else to blame rather than himself. If you were having an affair, he wouldn't have to accept any responsibility for a rocky relationship -- it would be your fault.

Enjoy your trip - have some fun cause you deserve it.



__________________
Grace7


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 112
Date:
Permalink  

My ex A accused me of the same....in reality? He was having an affair....Amazing!

__________________
Smukke


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 80
Date:
Permalink  

I wish you a lot of strength to get through it.

__________________
Live and let live
Temple


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 971
Date:
Permalink  

I doubt he truly thinks that.
He's just getting little glimmers that you are not so easily controlled. And he's trying to take the focus off him. And it works, doesn't it? For a time. But we keep getting smarter. The active drinker, not so much. May be able to call up more manipulative behavior--but not actually getting any smarter.
When mine is railing at me about something he has done, I often think of Willie Loman, in Death of a Salesman. He's having an affair and he bought the other woman stockings. So he rages at his wife when he sees her mending her stockings. (This was back in the day when they were silk, were expensive, and could be darned.) It's a handy little image to keep in mind.
Hugs and good wishes....

__________________

It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread.  --Gray Charles

 
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

Didn't you say you read Getting them Sober?

Of course he wants to drink, he is an A! He will always want to drink. Until he is so sick of being sick he will cont. to drink. He cannot just stop because you offer him something that sounds good to you.

It does not work that way. THEY have to find for themselves something that is better than where they are now, THEY have to want it. Nothing we do or say will change that!

Again WE have to change us, we have no control over them at all.

example:

I am choosing to not be around people who drink, so I am going to make a room just for me to watch tv, read, sew whatever. When I am in there that is my space.

Not if you do this I will do that.

I am going to start going to this horse stable on saturdays and ride all day with my friend.

I am going to take a class. I am going to Al Anon meetings.

This has NOTHING to do with him and his own life. If we want to share a life with them, we accept them warts and all. He is sick in his brain! He cannot think like we do. He cannot rationalyze, or put pieces together.

He is not confused about anything. He is sick. He cannot think like we do, he will not "get" anything. He knows his aism is making a mess but for him right now that is familiar and ok.

They cannot think or process hon.

I invite u to maybe go a different direction. When I was like you are,"trying to rationalize insanity" I researched. What affect does alcohol have on the brain. the body.

I really researched drugs and what they do, Why alcohol really kills our cells.

When I really got in and learned, i realized nothing I did or said meant a thing. I had to accept him as is, love him, be compassionate, not get into his stuff, allow him to have his integrity, his own life. I was just happy he was safe in our home with me.

We got to a very good place for awhile. months. but as the brain damage grew he got migraines that turned him into an abusive monster. Over time, sending him away, and having him back to go again became less and less time, till in one day he got all white, migraine came and I found myself thrown over his shoulder onto the floor flat. Both shoulders out of place, torn. I have had one surgery for it and have to have shots for pain still, forever.

My knees are gone, two surgeries on one.

Was it worth it? I am glad I gleaned all the love and all the time I could. I am sad I didn't see this one day coming.

He is what he is hon. We cannot look at people and selfishly say, ok you need to change this this and this. Life does not work that way,rarely does it work.

How would you like him to say ok you have sex with me or I cannot live with you anymore? Or you need to cut your hair lose fifty pounds, stop complaining, go to bed with me at nine.....or I cannot live with you. Reversies are real.

We have no more right than they do to try to change anyone.

said in love,debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
orchidlover


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1036
Date:
Permalink  

Denial is pretty powerful.  I think the substances give them this grandiosity.

I never got a straight answer from an active alcoholic yet. They think they are being 'honest" but really the biggest lie is that they are using all the time.

Maresie.



__________________
orchid lover
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> AH thinks I'm having an affair?