The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dear community,
I just came home from an Al-Anon meeting and found some marks above the burglary alarm box. It looks like it has burned a bit or so. I don't know how these boxes work, but tried to call my ABF, who had studied electrical engineering. I was irritated and scared at first, and when he did not pick up the phone, because his drunk sleep is just too deep, I was so disappointed.
I don't know how critical the marks are, I don't know who to call and ask so late at night. I decided to check the whole house and wait until tomorrow. Then I can ask my neighbors, some alarm installation business or my ABF.
Getting back to the subject of this thread, I am realizing that I would not want to have children with my ABF as long as he is drinking. When he snores I am wearing earplugs, so we would not hear anything. I know how it is to be a child and not to have trust that your parents would save from any problem. I had those dreams and thoughts that I would need to scream and I cannot, or tell them many times before my parents help me. I definitely do not want this for my kids.
I do not really know how to go about this now. So far we had a very close and cuddly relationship. Just in the past few days he was very nice to me and told me our love is getting him through all his work trouble. We have planned to marry in 2014 and have children. Now it seems like I want to tell him I do not want to have children with him. I do want to make very sure that this is a boundary, not any kind of intervention with the aim of making him stop drinking.
I am very sad about this and I know this is reality. I do not want to have kids in this relationship as it is now. Two years ago I could have called at any possible time and he would have been there for me. Today, and not just since today, I cannot. Where would we be in two years time?
I almost want to decide not to marry him as long as he is drinking. My fear has been that he is drunk during the whole wedding holiday, including the wedding night. Now I am getting closer to realizing that I have a choice. I can choose to avoid the risk completely and not to marry him like this.
We are going to have a phone call in a few hours and I will be sure that he would not have started drinking by then. Usually we talk after he finished work for the day, so tomorrow morning would be one of the few opportunities to talk to him when he is guaranteed sober. I plan to tell him about the kids, who are not going to be there, as long as he is drinking, and maybe that Being childless is not an option for me either.
This is very difficult and hurtful for me. Thanks for reading
After being divorced, I would say really think long and hard about what you would be willing to give up. I am an ACOA, and although my dad was very functional, I still have many issues because of it. My biggest issue is picking an alcoholic over and over for my partner. I am 48 and never had a truly healthy relationship, including a 15 year marriage which produced 4 kids. Although, my marriage was probably the closest thing to healthy I have had. My most recent relationship is the worst yet, and he KNOWS he is an alcoholic and knows he can't drink and his choices will eventally kill him if he does. In three years that we have been together he has started drinking again 4 different times. He sobers up after 2 -4 weeks. It's always a rollercoaster. If you want a happy, healthy, life, with children, really consider taking more time before you decide if this is the right person for you.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Thanks for your reply. Yes, the thought about knowing that I would give birth to some future Alateen members is terrible. I don't want to think, ok, maybe I cannot provide a perfect upbringing anyway. I do want the best for my kids and really not give them a suboptimal start. For myself I do not want to end up being a single mom in a relationship. My family and friends are scattered all over the world now. I would definitely be very alone.
Good luck with your decision. I have two kids with my AH but he had been sober when we married and had our kids. I probably would have thought long and hard about having kids with him if he had been drinking and I got to see what his disease was really like. Just today my AH said we should have a 3rd baby and I just laughed to myself. No way will I have another kid with him unless things really changed.
In my experience parenting with an alcoholic is harder than being a single parent -- and being a single parent is no walk in the park. And that's just in terms of the workload and responsibilities, not what the kids learn about alcoholism and their pain in having a parent who favors alcohol above them. I think you are very wise to be cautious.
Remember that you do not have to run boundaries by your BF. Of course whenever we say something that suggests that their drinking might be a problem, there's a push back. As if they're desperate to assert that their drinking is never, ever a problem and anyone who might think so is deluded.
So my question (not for you to answer here, just maybe something to think about) would be: what would you expect in telling him? I always had the secret hope: "He will see how destructive his drinking is and decide to change!" Unfortunately, if talking could do that, there would be no alcoholics.
But otherwise, boundaries are there to protect you, not to affect him. You can draw a boundary and never mention it to him. Or you can just tell him casually. I guess what I mean is that it doesn't have to be a big discussion. Because I bet we've all had those discussions in which we end up trying to convince them that our point of view is reasonable. And as long as they have us arguing with them, they've still got us on the line.
Just my 2 cents -- take what you like and leave the rest. Keep on taking good care of yourself!
In the early morning I felt a lot less like drama and friendly discussed just the alarm issue with my ABF. Before starting a discussion I want to wait until I know if it is something important to be discussed in a relationship - e.g. one partner makes important decisions and informs the other one - without any hope of making him want to stop drinking.
I feel a lot better know and I am happy I could vent in Al-Anon instead of shouting at my boyfriend.
Just wanted to add my two cents about the children situation. We had our children early into our 25 year marriage. He drank more than I preferred (and more than I was aware of) but was always there for us, worked hard and was a great father. After having 2 boys and hard pregnancies, it was my dream to foster little girls who needed help by good people but now I've had to give up on that dream with my husband since his drinking has gotten totally out of control in the past 2 years. Cannot i$magine going through what we have when the children were small. They are devastated even now as young adults living on their own. :(
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
When my AH and I got married, he was dry. He stayed dry for 15 years but his alcohol abuse reared it's ugly head 2 years ago and now our son is 13. If you had told me 18 years ago that he would start drinking again, pass out drunk on the floor, drink all night long, get a DUI, drive on a suspended license, turn his back on God, etc I would have thought twice about marrying him let alone having a child with him. Man, I wish I had a crystal ball so I could have foreseen the future. My son is already making comments about whether dad is drinking while traveling or when he's out and about, it doesn't take long for the kids to pick up on the problems alcohol creates in life. Just my .02C.
