The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As an ACOA, I grew up with a very distorted view of personal power. Obviously, I was not allowed to own my own power. I grew up believing I had no power, and what little I did have, I was supposed to give away so that people would love me.
That's a messed-up way to think and a messed-up way to live.
Even after all the time I've spent in recovery, I've had a very difficult time coming to terms with the concept of "owning my power." My thinking had been so distorted, I think I still subscribed to the belief that power was something that was either abused (to lord it over others) or it was something to give away.
While communing with HP this morning, he revealed a new insight that I hadn't really considered before. My power exists not for those reasons or any other reason that is associated with external people, places or things - my power exists so that I can take care of myself.
I can claim my personal power NOT for the purpose of competing with other people, or "making" them like me, but rather I can claim it because I need it for the purpose of taking care of myself.
This is a completely new concept to me, but it makes so much sense that I'm going to run with it. Thanks to HP for revealing this tidbit to me, and I hope the ESH can be of value to someone else.
I can so relate to what you're saying! As an ACOA I have also struggled with the concept of power...of having it, what to do with it, how to stop others taking it, how to not copy my A father and try to have it over others to try to get it myself, how to use my power and to even know I have any. I like your idea in your post that I can use my power to take care of myself. I have spent a life time waiting for the permission and approval of others to take care of myself, and because they mostly haven't given either, I've neglected myself terribly. Taking my power to go against the people standing in the way of my self care with spoken and non verbal threat of consequences is new to me too. As an ACOA I've also learned to fear power and to fear my own power. Fear it's potential for destruction. But in amongst that I lost the connection to it's potential for life giving creativity too. So pants to that I say...I'm not gonna be afraid any more!!! In solidarity, Tigger x
Wow! I must admit my first priority every day all day is taking care of me. I spend my to do list on that. My to do list used to be all about getting other people to like me. I found out that people like me regardless.
Thank you for sharing your insight...what you said about giving power away to have people like you hit home. These past few days I realized that I have had a belief in place that in order to be of value to others I had to have something to "give"; sex, money, knowledge etc., that "I" wasn't enough. So, I would give and give and had very little life force (power) left for me. I have been trying to control other people's treatment of me, and, of course, these other people were addicts/vampires, bottomless pits...geesh!
This belief has had an impact on my earning abilities. I want to earn more money, but yet I don't because I don't want to give it all away! I want to keep some for myself, yet, I have had this belief in place that I have to give it all way to be liked by God (that is an insight I just had as I was typing this...love it when that happens). Having said all that, when I give to causes I love, it feels so good
The remarkable thing about ESH is, when it's given away, it's returned ten-fold!
I really appreciate the Al-Anon metaphor that compares self-care to the aircraft oxygen mask: "secure your own mask first before helping another with theirs." When I put the focus on myself and my self-care, then I am able to freely give to others out of my abundance.
Doing a gratitude list regularly is what helps me keep in balance and helps me to remember all the blessings that HP showers down.
