The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I once heard, there are 3 things an alcoholic will always do. 1.) they will lie 2.) they will lie, and 3.) they will lie.... It's just part of this disease of mind, body and spirit. My AH would tell me that his slurred speech was because of "dehydration," he just didn't have enough "fluids" that day....
Part of my problem, was ACCEPTING that I actually had this disease of alcoholism going on right here in my house. I did NOT want to see the reality of it. When I got glimpses of the reality, I became desperate to fix it/control it/ and certainly call him on his lies so that we could get this all behind us.... and be okay again.
I recently read this on facebook, People go to India to search for a guru, but we dont have to do that, we're living with a guru. Our partner will give us everything we need for our own freedom.
There was a lot of truth in this for me, I stayed with an active alcoholic/addict for years and years because *I* was too afraid I couldn't live without him. I could only see my life working out ONE way - - MY way. The problem for me, was me. My fearful beliefs held me prisoner and I became a desperate, clinging woman. He was teaching me something all along, I just wasn't paying attention. Or else, I'm just a slow learner, lol
I set boundaries too, I said I didn't want to be around the drinking anymore. Well, guess what, that did NOT have the power to change anything about HIM, which is what I honestly wanted, I wanted him to stop drinking. That was my solution. For my well-being, I thought I needed him to do something for me.
But he couldn't or wouldn't. He wanted his life as he wanted it. Or perhaps it's more true to say, his life was as it was. Eventually, I got that, I understood it, I accepted it and I surrendered.
Boundaries are for me, in my mind it lets me know my limits. I cannot expect people to not walk all over my boundaries. But that teaches me a lot.
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 27th of June 2012 09:25:45 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I read a lot of posts here about setting boundaries when our A's are drunk. My problem is my A drinks in secret and NEVER admits to drinking. Of course I know when he has been drinking by his behavior but it is difficult for me to set boundaries about his drinking because he denies it. And dare I say to him that I think he has been drinking things tend to explode so I just don't do that.
It is frustrating and I'm doing my best to have healthy responses to it, reading Getting Them Sober has been a great help. Just wondering if anyone else deals with this?
That's a tough one. I guess detach from the ensuing argument as much as you can. I would look at a slobbering drunk person saying "How dare you say I'm drinking!" like a little kid with chocolate all over their face saying they didn't eat all the chocolate cake. You still keep the boundaries and then walk away from all the protesting and arguing and "But I didn't do it....blah blah." I know it's more complicated than I stated.
Basically just supporting you and reinforcing that the boundaries are for you and you know he has a history of lying about his drinking. He will try and turn the tables and make it about you being paranoid about his drinking or you being crazy when it comes to his drinking - but you know and we all know it's not about that.
On board with what Pink said .. sometimes you just have to know what you know and then act and do what is in your own best interests. For a long time my s2b ex would tell me how crazy I was because I said he was drinking again. The reality is this .. I know what I know .. he's an alcoholic (I know I know not for me to say however .. walks like a duck talks like a duck chances are .. it's a dang duck), .. sooo .. what that translates to for me is that he's going to drink. He has to, sure he can go dry for a bit however not as long as he used to. I just need to know what my truth is, .. what my boundaries are and where I draw the line.
What is acceptable and not acceptable behavior for ME is what I keep the focus on. When the drama mama starts coming out in him .. I still have choices .. do I engage or walk away? I walk away .. it's the easiest thing for me. I don't need to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) the situation to him .. I know what I know and I will act upon what I know. I would encourage you NOT to say I know you've been drinking OR have you been drinking because that just turns into a fight. Do your actions upon what you know.
LOL .. I want to say ya know? LOL :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My ex-AH was just the same -- to this day I have never seen him take a drink. I've found all the bottles, little and big, hidden all over the house, I've seen him have blackouts and get caught for DUI's, and all that -- but I've never seen him drink and his official position is that he doesn't, or hardly ever, and that's that.
From what I've seen, that's typical, except that many alcoholics will drink in public. But they won't admit that their drinking affects them. So it comes down to the same thing.
Boundaries are for us, not for them. And since we can't control them, only ourselves, boundaries have to be something that we can put into effect even if the drinker doesn't agree with them. So an unenforceable boundary might be: "Whenever you've drunk more than two beers, you have to stop." A boundary that we can enforce might be, "When you're drunk, I'm not going to spend the evening with you."
My ex-AH would argue about whether he was drunk -- of course. It will be a cold day in heck before he admits anything. So what I say is, "I have no actual knowledge of whether you've been drinking. But you're exhibiting the signs of being drunk, and I can't stand to be around that, so I'm going to..." He used to say, "I'm not drunk! You're acting crazy again! I haven't had a thing!" And I'd say, "I have no actual knowledge of whether you've been drinking. But you're exhibiting the behavior, and so I'm going to..." Now, maybe one out of a thousand times I guessed wrong, and maybe I sent him away when he was tired instead of drinking. But so what. I saved myself grief 999 times.
My ultimate point is that he doesn't have to agree with you for you to set a boundary. Nowadays my ex-AH just rolls his eyes and slinks off. He doesn't even get into the argument. He just slinks off. (Why am I still dealing with him? Because we have a child together. Otherwise I wouldn't.)
-- Edited by Mattie on Wednesday 27th of June 2012 07:23:18 PM
I think I needed to start with the 5 lb weight rather than the 100 lb weight. I needed to start setting boundaries on the issue of not being in my personal space things like that. Then move up to I don't want to be around you.
I had to search out what was personal space, what were my limits. I had none.
In some ways not talking about the alcohol is really key. As long as I raged and ranted about the now exA's using he was on top. When I stopped and put the energy into me he was at first delighted then kind of out of sorts that I wasn't paying minute attentiont to him and his needs.
I haven't met an alcoholic yet who didn't minimize his drinking. I also haven't met one yet who just gave up when someone asked them to.
It took me a long time (and I am still learning) that my boundaries were for me.
It wasn't a boundary on his use. I didn't like the way he was when he was stoned, or his behaviour if I thought he was stoned. It was the behaviour and my own sanity.
I chose to not be around him when he is stoned. Whether he told me about it or not. If he lied, but I knew he was stoned, I would still remove myself.
It was my boundary, not a boundary on his action.... I am not sure I am making myself very clear... but I hope you work it out with what works best for you
