So mad. Trying to be strong. - Al-Anon Family Group

leeranger · Member

So mad. Trying to be strong.

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Leeranger and speedy recovery with your hand surgery, you are being strong and it is very trying if you have always been the strong one it will take time for boundaries to work and for you to accept what your husband will and what will not do, there is nothing wrong with saying to your husband I really need your help right now as I am struggling and if you can't do that, then next best thing is to come here and speak your truth to people that understand, only do what is absolutely nessaserry to give yourself time to heal, it may feel like he is testing you but it more than likely has nothing at all to do with you and he is feeling sorry for himself and doing what he always does to cope.

redgards

Katy

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

leeranger, I so know what you are going through. I too have had some health problems over the past two years (I think a direct result of stress from living with my AH) and he simply isn't there for me in this capacity. Ironic isn't it that they expect us to be there for them in every way possible yet they are never there for us. I have come to realize he simply can't or won't and that isn't going to change. It's a tough pill to swallow and it is heartbreaking. Do your best to take care of yourself, if you have other family or friends that can help you please reach out to them. Stay strong.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I think Katy hit the nail on the head. He is most likely just doing what he does, it has nothing to do with you. I hope you heal quickly from your surgery. Keep reading and keep coming back here. You may need to rely on your AH a bit right now and it's OK to let him know that you need him. It's up to him how he chooses to respond but you can always ask. Sending you lots of support today!

holivex · Veteran Member

The most important thing....are you going to be ok? I am not sure what hand cancer is. If the kids eat peanut butter and jelly for a few days, so be it. Take care of yourself!

texasgal · Senior Member

Throughout the years I have had a few surgeries & my husband didn't help me out with anything. After the first surgery I got smart & beforehand asked friends or family to come by to help me out. If I needed a ride somewhere I would ask my family or friends and only ask him as a last resort. I needed to take care of me. I pray for u to have a speedy recovery :)

leeranger · Member

Thanks so much. I love this board already. Things got worse last night. For the most part he stayed in his office but I kept waking up to him slamming doors going in and out. I tried to avoid confrontation as much as possible but at 3am I heard him in MY office so I got out of bed to find him taking a vicodin prescribed after my surgery. He said he had a headache. Ha! I took it away from him and hid the bottle, but he started in with the usual drama, saying how much I need him and his money and that I need to just accept that he is a drinker. I told him we could talk about this when he is sober and after a few more minutes of going back and forth, I just went back to bed and cried myself to sleep. I am trying so hard to let him have his disease and not let him bring me down but it is so tough. I had to wake him this morning to take our daughter to school since I can't drive and then I need him to take her to karate this afternoon. He has 6 beers left and I am hoping he doesn't drink them this morning.

Next week his family is coming to town and we are supposed to go out of town with them for a few days. I would like to tell him that if he is going to drink while we are away, I would prefer to just stay home with the kids. I know this is going to cause a fight, especially because this will involve his family, so I am trying to figure out how to approach it.

leeranger · Member

holivex wrote:
The most important thing....are you going to be ok? I am not sure what hand cancer is. If the kids eat peanut butter and jelly for a few days, so be it. Take care of yourself!

Yes, I think so. I had a malignant tumor in my finger. It was removed in march but I had another surgery to remove additional cells and I had 5 lymph nodes removed from my arm pit to see if the cancer spread. I will get the results in a few weeks.

Chaya · Senior Member

I found that my ex, though sober, had the hardest time coming through when things were the toughest for me, I was the most vulnerable, and when his help really counted. He just wouldn't. I tried asking nicely, I tried threatening, I cried, and did just about anything I could do to get his help and support to no avail. It never changed. Never. But I still tried over and over and over until I came to realize that I deserved better. Today's reading in Courage to Change says, "My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else's choices, even when it's someone I dearly love." I couldn't wait any longer for him to figure out how to treat another person. Last night my daughter had leg cramps so my 9 year old niece went and heated up one of those lavender hot packs and brought it in to her. It was really sweet. My ex could not even figure those things out. That is what took me so long to figure out. What is common sense to you or I or even a 9 year old does not make sense to another adult as long as addiction is involved. Take care.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

In our literature it states going to an alcoholic for support is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread , I hated that statement but it is a fact a practicing alcoholic cant give what he dosent have .. often when in your situation I have to remember that assuming he will see that I need help I have to ask for what I need . Louise

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Well.... I've had to go through learning not to rely on my ex. If I were in your shoes, I'd use this time to rally the kids to do things for themselves. They can do a LOT as young as 2. Make it a game, have fun with it don't let the A bring you down into his world of "life sucks". Do what you can with the good arm, let the things go that can be let go, have the oldest child help with whatever is possible.

Ideas: Laundry basket on a skateboard, kiddo pushes it to folding spot. Youngest child folds washcloths, hand towels, kitchen towels and matches socks (youngest toddler, needs to be mobile LOL). Split up dishes - youngest puts away lowest items (usually the utensils in a drawer). Most ages can do "laundry piles by color" - get them to all help (not sure how many kids)? And if he won't do dinner - order in for a few days until he's tired of the bill for it LOL.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you have getting them sober. Remember you don't have to be perfect. You can go one day at a time, one minute at a time until you feel better. Only do what is absolutely necessary. If he is submerged somewhere let his food, clothes whatever go let him take care of it.

I am so sorry you are in this position. Maresie.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

4 years ago I had early stage ovarian cancer and had a watermelon sized tumor and my right ovary removed my A husband at the time turned on me and couldn't manage to do much. It always seemed when I had to stop taking care of everything, he would get worse. I ended up popping staples trying to feed and water the horses we had because he just wouldn't or would make me feel so bad that he had to do things around the house I was supposed to do. If I could go back I would have let more go and gotten my friends from Church to do a little more than bring in meals and they would have happily helped out and even asked all the time, but I was still trying to control it all back then. Please take care of yourself and take the time to heal. Sending you much love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.