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I posted for the first time a few weeks ago. My husband was dry for about 8 years and goes on benders, his last one being a few weeks ago where he drank 3 bottles of vodka in 3 days. At that point, he was very remorseful and said he would start going to AA. Of course that didn't happen and he hasn't had anything to drink since then, but he bought a 20 pack of beer today and will likely drink them all. This is his normal cycle.
I've been reading about setting boundaries for myself. I've been unsure about what boundaries to set but one I came up with is that I will not be around him when he is drinking. This is easy at home because he usually stays in his office and I am in another part of the house, but the tricky part will be if we are out in public. I need to figure out what my plan will be when that happens.
Can you share some of the boundaries you have set?
Well, I'm really early on in releasing my codependency program and have not done a good job of setting boundaries but I'll tell you what I've heard shared in Al Anon and here on the boards. One of the boundaries that I'd like to set is that if he drinks again while our son and I are home, I will leave or ask him to leave. Unfortunately, he binge drinks when away from me or when I'm away and I really never actually see him do it. The other boundary I have set for me right now is that if he gets another DUI, I'm going to ask for a legal separation. The first one that we're dealing with now has been so hard on me and he's breaking so many laws as he goes through the license suspensions, etc that I don't think I can stand around and accept unacceptable behavior.
You could tell him that you won't be seen in public with him if he's been drinking or that you won't allow him to accompany you anywhere if he's been drinking, either. When setting boundaries, just remember that they aren't meant to control him. They are meant to protect you and you set them FOR YOU and you decide what is acceptable behavior to you or not. My suggestions probably aren't that thorough but I'm sure others will come on and share their ESH.
I stopped going out in public with the ex A if he had been drinking or using. I did that as best I could but since I was dependent on him it was pretty imperfect. I have to say these days I really work on being independent. Being dependent on someone who was completely unreliable is insanity.
My biggest concern is being in public and then have him start drinking. I suppose I will just have to leave him wherever we are. If he orders a drink at dinner, I go home. It will definitely be tough but I realize that I need to stick to my guns.
The pattern: he abuses via email 2-3 times/year. Has never apologized. I go silent when he abuses. Then I get strings of manipulations from him for a week or 2. Then he starts to just act normal. I have always fallen into this routine and eventually gone back, only to be abused again.
Once I wrote him the impact his abuse/drinking has on me. He wouldn't read it, too busy focusing on AA - which lasted 4 days (same every time).
His history: I believe he has only had a handful of sober days in 40+ years and has drinks even in the a.m. for the last 7-10 years (tho don't know if every day) . So I believe he would need medical aid to recover - he's 70 - not likely.
I don't care if he drinks. I don't care that he is a jerk.
I care that he abuses me directly.
I started recovery a year ago. He abused me last summer. I didn't go back. But I still read his emails. Then he abused me in April on my birthday. I told him he's abusive and where he can shove it. I told him if he contacted me again by email, I'd change my address. He did. So I now have a new address.
I did ZERO for fathers and and will do ZERO for his upcoming 70th birthday.
I would never have gotten there without al anon. I no longer receive abuse in my inbox and just have normal days.
My boundary was If you are spending time with me, I want you to be straight or I will not be spending time with you. He argued back and forth and there was a period of adjustment and testing of waters.....
We seem to have it ok right now. He isnt' stoned if I am around. At times it is obvious that he intends to smoke, so I change my plans to not be around him (eg other smokers come to our house I do not socialise)
