The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, what has caused me the most fear in breaking up with my ex in recovery is what I have been most afraid to share. Here goes...
When I look back on our relationship there are few times that were really amazing. There just aren't that many good times to remember, except for sex. In all prior relationships I had huge trust issues with sex and intimacy. I often didn't like to be touched, felt uncomfortable being intimate, and really thought I just didn't like sex. Then, with him FINALLY it felt right. It was the most incredible part of the relationship.
I ask myself if it was the sickness of us being together that made it so good or maybe because it was the one time he offered me love, respect, admiration, and reciprocity. Maybe it was just really good sex. I don't know. But what I do know is that I am so scared of not having that with another man. Really really scared. I finally felt like a normal woman, although the rest of my behavior was crazy.
So...that is my big fear.
Chaya
Very normal fear. I had a connection like that with a guy back very young, I was 17. I held onto that connection for most of my adult life. My marraige was to a man I couldn't stand intimacy with after a few years of his temper and abuse why would I? I too worried.
But I found it again and actually, twice in the past year. But the first time last summer, while I had the connection I saw the red flags and walked away. This time, we'll see. He's in recovery so that's a red flag but he's committed to it and so far is doing what he needs to in order to stay sober and work on himself.
So yes, we can have that connection more than once in life. Don't give up - and take some time to find your happiness while alone. I"m so thankful I did that first.
I agree and a really good friend of mine said women will stay for good sex and the reality is when you get healthy and can communicate your needs the sex is something both parties can work on and it can be good.
Sex doesn't equal love .. sex is just one way we connect. It's an important way we share the other great stuff about relationships and it does and can happen more than once. That's what I'm telling myself at least .. hang tight. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
That's understandable. The latter reasoning where you state "I ask myself if it was the sickness of us being together that made it so good or maybe because it was the one time he offered me love, respect, admiration, and reciprocity. Maybe it was just really good sex." I suspect all these things are partially true.
Some of the people I felt like I had good sex with were really not good relationship material. On the whole, I much prefer a loving connection and sweetness in that area as opposed to it having to be all "intense" and "hot" all the time. It does take even more trust though to have that cuz you are more vulnerable with someone sweet and caring and where you really communicate well the majority of the time.
A lot of things make us hold on. I do know the more I work on myself the less likely I am to settle.
The thing is it actually isn't that awful to be alone. Being with an active alcoholic was far far worse.
I don't know that there is a for ever thing. I know I meet people all the time and I'm not really trying. I also know the bar is really high now and the need is far far less.
I don't think there is a need to define what it is about an alcoholic that is enchating. They can be loveable, sweet, kind and loving. The problem is the other stuff isn't separated out. When the disease of alcoholism takes over the "other" part is there less and less.
Thanks for the support. It actually did a lot for me to get that anxiety out and get your responses. It makes me feel like I've been holding onto this one aspect of the relationship as proof we have been truly in love. I guess if we were so in love I would miss more than just sex. I can see I'm slowly getting better. It is almost 30 days since I started al anon and decided to really break it off with him. I didn't feel like I could ever get better. Today I felt stronger and happy with my decision to start to live for me.
Chaya
I had a real problem with seeing sex as love from my exAH. He was never very touchy, so when I was getting affection is was through sex and I was love starved most the time. The sex was almost always great, but now that I have learned that I can get affection without having the sex and that it was just a way I was programmed early on I can see things more objectively. The program helps lift off the blinders a layer at a time when we are ready. I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I appreciate your shares so much Man, when I think of that being gone, it all but wrecks me. I miss many specifics of it. He is a very handsome man, and I was very atttracted to him. He made me feel pretty, and when there were peaceful times, those moments were really precious and I felt very loved and safe. I miss it. But, there were times when he was very selfish about it...like if I was on an antibiotic or something, and wanted him to use a condom. He was a jerk about that. Honestly, what I miss is being held, kissed, and feeling like someone thought ai was beautiful more than the sex if I really am honest. And, its a weird thing...learning to care for myself. I can see how I can do almost anything, but that part. I cant hold me. I cant kiss me. Its difficult to deal with. Maybe someday, Ill have that back. (hugs)
Great topic and Pushka hit one of my acceptances dead on...Love isn't sex and sex isn't love. Love completes sex for me otherwise I can feel the selfishness very clearly. The program helped me to understand the perception of what do I bring to the relationship rather than what will I get from it. "You cannot get what you will not give" is one of the philosophies I learned in the rooms of Al-Anon otherwise my expectations were that others would verify me. That expectation has led me into some very very sorrowful relationships. I ended up burn't with nothing but ashes where I stood. I mostly got into relationships with sick people, being sick myself my expectations were not realistic in the least. Love? ....I was in love with being in love and had to find the fellowship of recoverying people in Al-Anon to be mentored into sanity.
Grateful...Some of the lessons which have stuck with me over the years in recovery..."Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice" and "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are"...finally "Love is the absence of fear".
