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Hi Bug, I'm new here too, and I'm still with my AH, so I might not be one to give any advice. However, if I were you, I would not be there when you BF comes by to pick up his things. I don't really know your situation, but if he didn't leave your place until June 15th, I don't know that that is long enough for him to have really implemented any changes. I haven't yet read the book that everyone is recommending ("Keeping Them Sober"), but I did go to the website and read some of the author's blogs. This one piece of information really stuck out to me. He said that typically therapy alone will not cure the alcoholism. The disease must be treated first, but it can not be looked at as a symptom of bigger emotional problems. My AH will not go to AA meetings. He says they are 'not for him' and that it's 'too in-your-face'. So we have tried the therapy route, but it's not working. I'm still going to keep up with it, and so are my kids, but as far as I'm concerned he can either go or not- I no longer care or expect him to be there. I now am slowly realizing that AA or some other recovery group is the only way he will probably stop drinking- the statistics prove that. From what you have said, it doesn't sound like he's made that step yet, so I would be very careful about letting him back into your life. But I think it would still be nice for you to reach out to his kids and try to see them, if it's ok with their mother and you miss them. They are going to be confused about what's going on with their dad, so I think the more love and support they can receive from the other adults in their lives, the better. I hope this helps.
ETA: By the way, you are not the reason he is so far away from his kids. It is his choice to drink and you should not have to put up with that for one second!! Please don't beat yourself up about that on top of whatever else you are going through. My three kids have been traumatized by their father's constant drinking. Trust me, they are better off not having to see their dad in that sort of condition. If I had the money to leave and get my own place, I would do it in a minute just to get my kids away from their dad and his issues.
-- Edited by holivex on Tuesday 26th of June 2012 01:08:01 PM
Have a BIG day coming up tomorrow... my BF is coming to town tomorrow to see his kids, and wants to see me as well after his visit. He still has belongings at my place, and wants to pick up some more items. This will the the first I've seen him since 6/15 when I let him pick up most of his stuff... the last 2 weeks, he's been apologizing up the wazoo, even breaking down on the phone saying he wants to come back... I've asked him to get help, and he claims he has an appointment today to talk with someone... but I'm just apprehensive. Trying so hard to stand my ground on this... I'm so torn, because the only place he has to go to is almost 2hrs away in another state... when he was here with me, he could be there for his kids at anytime they needed him.. I think the world of those kids and feel so bad, like I'm the reason their Dad is no so far away from them now...
Also, tomorrow night (while he's with his kids) I was hoping to make my first Al Anon meeting. Not sure about this either, but then again maybe making that plunge right before I see him again might be a good thing...
In trying to process both these events tomorrow... I feel like a kid jumping into the deep end of the pool for the first time... just staring at the deep water wondering what will happen... really trying to deicde whether to postpone my first meeting for a few days...
I had someone once tell me, "go to a meeting, and think about going later." I find that when I'm arguing in my head to not go a meeting, that's when i need it the most. I often try to tell myself I don't need to go, but that's usually because I don't want to deal with whatever is bubbling up inside of me. It sounds like you're going through a lot -- I find that the meetings help me find hope by being able to talk about what I'm going through, or listen and hear what others have experienced. It's amazing being in a room of people that understand what the emotional turmoil around a partner's drinking is like without even having to explain it.
I also found I have been doing way too many things for my AH, and that was shielding him from being able to deal with his own issues (and having the dignity to deal with his own problems) and it was preventing me from dealing with my problems and my life. I'm far from perfect with this, and have to work on this every day.
I hope this helps, and sending you thoughts of good thoughts,
I'm glad you have found us. Recovery takes a long time and can never happen all in an instant, even if the person is as determined as he can get. The good news is that there is plenty of time to see if he's serious about his recovery. I wish that early on I had waited to see what my bf was going to do about his promises to stop drinking, rather than just going on his word (heartfelt as it was). Take good care of yourself.
