Memory Loss??? Will it come back??? - Al-Anon Family Group

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Memory Loss??? Will it come back???

dragonflys · Senior Member

Always looking for good books to read, I jumped on the one posted a little bit ago about verbally abusive relationships.

As I am reading, I am trying to remember all of the arguments or crazymaking that occurred with my AH. I cannot seem to remember all the details, or how it started, or what the end result was. Its like my brain has blocked out these memories.

I have only gotten to chapter 6 tonight, but this is really bothering me. Sometimes I wish I had our arguments in writing so I could remember.

Anyone else seem to have this blockage?

I have very vague memories of my childhood unless I really concentrate on one particular situation, even then it takes me a long time and there are still black holes. I have asked my therapist about this and he says that is something that we are going to have to work on but didnt give much explanation...

I cannot count the times that someone has asked me if I remember something and I say "No, I dont remember that"

So frustrating! I know in my heart that my marriage was not right, but I cannot seem to remember all the things that made it not right at the moment. I seem to be going off of generalized feelings rather than stated facts or occurrences.

Anyone else feel this way?

holivex · Veteran Member

I have the exact opposite problem. I remember everything. Not just stuff having to do with my AH, but stupid stuff, like what so and so was wearing the day we skipped school twenty years ago, junk like that. Sometimes it's a blessing, but a lot of the time it feels like a curse. I wish I could forget some things- especially the things that wake me up at night and set my mind running.

Chaya · Senior Member

I understand that we typically do not have many memories from childhood, but are left with an overall impression of it. From what I've read that is normal development. As far as recent memories, one important cause to rule out would be depression. It can cause some issues with our cognition. It also seems likely, however, that it has been a way to cope.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have lots of missing memories and I believe because I grew up in a very dysfunctional home with abuse and one of my past counselors said as I continue to grow some things may get opened up and I can deal with them as they come or maybe they won't. I do have a bad memory even now with some things but nothing detrimental. For the last few years I have seen counselors and gone to Al-anon for a year and a half and nothing more has dislodged, but I am okay with that. Sending you love and support!

CDK · Senior Member

I have been diagnosed with PTSD from witnessing a murder as a child. I have some memory loss with it. From what I have been able to piece together, there is a huge chunk missing from that memory. Specifically, what I saw. To me its like, puttimg together a puzzle, and having a few pieces missing. I can guess what the piece probably looks like,based on the pieces around it, but I cant pull it up specifically. For a ling time, this bothered me. But now, I have come to a place that I just accept that my body/brain/system did this to protect me. It really wouldnt do anything but cause me more trauma to remember what the scene looked like. I accept the feelings there, and let it be. It is much more peaceful that way. Because of that acceptance, a few things floated up. It turned out to be just what I needed. I was frightened by the sound of an ac or fridge kicking in, because I did not remember what the gun sounded like...it popped up ine day and then I was able to train my brain...that ac is not a gun. Maybe it will be the same for you. Youll remember in a time line that allows you to deal with it all a little at a time in ways that are truly helpful instead of aways that just make you feel bad. I think its ok to not remember everything, and I think our bodies and brains get it rihht sometimes. (hugs)

dragonflys · Senior Member

I do think that my brain is protecting me...but sometimes I wonder if I really knew the things that happened to me when I was a child and in the last 12 years of my relationship with my AH, then maybe I would be able to figure out what is wrong with me and how I can go about fixing it.

I do block out things as my way of coping, and I still do it to this very day.

I remember everything that has to do with my work. I can remember numbers and processes and where I put things in the house. I am the go to person at work because they think I have a photographic memory.. But when I try to remember an incident that happened with my AH that brought me emotional pain and misery, I cannot seem to recall the exact words that were said or how the conversation started or what came out of it, how it ended.

Its progress not perfection...at least now I am aware.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Like has already been said I remembered every nasty word flung at me . Do you really want to remember ? when the verbal abuse starts ask him to speak to you like he would any other person or you will leave the room , then the hard part Leave the room . I was able to do this as there was no fear of physical abuse in my relationship , physical abuse is a whole different ball game turning your back and walking away could be dangerous . If I want respect I have learned to ask for it by my actions not what I say .

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I think this is normal. I also don't remember every nice thing ever said or all the details of some of my greatest days in life. I don't remember many things and the times that the memory does come back, I'm not necessarily glad for it.

I'm someone who experienced the "repressed memory" deal. I didn't make a huge deal out of it or go on some freak out rampage. I was 22, newly married, in a new state, new home far away, under stress, etc. I was watching a TV talk show about survivors of sexual abuse, I found it interesting and was sitting listening to someone describe their story and for whatever reason - a memory that I describe as "always there but my brain took the meaning away" - was suddenly connected as a molestation even with a relative. In other words, I knew the event had happened my entire life, but my brain filed it back with the cereal and cobwebs as "no big deal" and so anytime I thought of it, it was dumbed down. Once I connected the event with the meaning - then the full memory returned with the attached feelings I had at the time (I was about 4, have to guess age).

So having gone through that, it was good to have some answers to some stuff that made no sense but over all I do not think it enhanced me to remember it. Sometimes I wish I hadn't. I told my parents, the perpetrator was already dead and gone and had been for 15 years prior.

All of the positive work I've been able to do to get past things, has been to better me, better my life, look forward, not look back and focus on myself. And to recognize those things made me who I am despite the pain. The few times I "go back there" either with a story or because of a situation, I'm left holding the same feelings in my hands and it takes me hours to get over it again. I do not find it cathartic in the least to relive it. I simply focus on my coping skills that I may have gained, most not useful - and learn new ones.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have already commented on this, but after being molested in my lifetime and hearing another having it forced upon them, I have many blocks and when things get that escaladed my brain shuts down and represses naturally as a coping mechanism. It is not something I choose to do and like I said some things get knocked loose from time to time when I am ready to deal with them. It is all about progress and HP's timing. Sending you much love and support!

Oksie · Senior Member

wow.. you sound so much like me.
I have massive memory gaps. I have a bad memory today.

I have been told it is a coping mechanism.

Some of mine is due to a B12 deficiency and that impedes my memory.

I have memories loss from childhood and my Mum once remarked.. "oh thats good you don't remember the bad stuff". I don't think she got the point. Being affected by it, and not remembering it are two different things.

I realised how much I don't remember when I did a bit of a survey of people (facebook) to see how many remember being taught to ride a bike. Most every one did remember. I do not. I don't remember anything about it, yet I can ride a bike.

I asked my Mum and she remembered teaching me. I have huge gaps in memory. I needed protecting and that is how my brain does it.

mags123 · Newbie

i have a very bad memory even today and it is true for me that i have an overall impression of my youth instead of memories. maybe its for the best or else it is my own way of protecting myself from what i saw or experienced. sometimes its better. i am just going with it as best i can. i have been advised to try and live in the Now and stop trying to revisit the past as i keep getting retraumatised. hope that helps!

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