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I'm so frustrated... I don't know what to do. Ugh! My AH is in rehab and has gained some privileges. One of which is looking for a job... Yesterday he wanted to come home for a few hours but I told him I was not comfortable with that yet. I don't want to argue with him but that I'm just not comfortable with him coming home at this point - he came home recently and we ended up in a big fight. He got mad about that and that I told him I wouldn't be driving him to a concert next month. He told me that he wants a divorce and he wants me to pay for it... Well, he just called me from my house - he doesn't even have a key to it anymore - to tell me he was in the area and came to pick up a few things. My son is home by himself so he let him in. (He really didn't know that my AH wasn't supposed to be there. So it was not my sons fault and I hate that he had to be put in the middle like that.) It never crossed my mind that he would/could stop by when I wasn't home. He doesn't even have a license! He had to talk someone into taking him and had to sign himself out of rehab under false pretenses. He took some clothes and movies from the house. I am SURE that the only reason he did it is because I told him yesterday that I don't want him there. I really don't want to get the law involved because he is just being petty and trying to push my buttons... but I also don't want him to think he can just do whatever he wants. I called the facility director to make sure they knew what was going on. He told me that he is pretty sure that he would have been denied leave if he would have told them he was going home to get a few things but that they would check into it.
[Some background: Just in case anyone is wondering, according to our state laws, he no longer resides at my house because he moved himself out. He also doesn't have a key so he has no right to enter without someone giving him permission. Maybe I am being a little ridiculous (or maybe I feel like I am because setting boundaries is new to me and I'm still unsure about my decisions without having someone approve them for me) but my children and I lived in that house long before he and I even knew each other and he has never paid the bills!]
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Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
I think you are good in your boundary of not wanting him to enter your house when you told him he was not to. You have every right to be upset since you told him no and he did it anyway. Sounds like the crazy making of an A to me. I hope you let your children know what your boundaries are for the next time. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
No your safety comes first, you are allowed to feel and be safe in your own home, .. based upon my past I spoke immediately to my landlord he had the locks changed. When we do exchanges of the kids it is outside. He is no longer welcome in my house. What goes on in here is no longer any of his business. When I filed that sealed the deal .. so now legally he is not allowed in the house.
Before that happened my kids fully understood that if I was out of the house for any reason and he came by their dad was no longer welcome in the house. My daughters only concern was can he punish us and I said ABSOLUTELY NOT. Thankfully he never put it to the test however I think it's important to let the kid/s know what is and is not ok. It leaves less awkward moments.
Hugs P :)
I know it's not easy right now it does get better and easier. Please talk to a lawyer, find out what your rights are .. many lawyers will give free consultations. If you don't have funds please go to legal aide. Sometimes you can talk to someone over the phone. Talk to others that have been through it go in with questions. Lawyers aren't therapists they don't care why you married your spouse or what happened in your childhood.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Your boundaries sound reasonable to me. He's testing your boundaries for sure. That whole "rules don't apply to me" and bulldozing over others' wishes would suggest he is not doing too well with basic concepts of recovery involving humility and taking responsibility. It's pretty hard to stay sober when you won't make yourself accountable to anyone.
I would just urge you not to question yourself. Question a person that does the exact opposite of what you told them was acceptable behavior in dealing with you. Keep your boundaries even if it shows him to be even sicker than you thought. Boundaries make alcoholics/addicts insanely angry because they don't have internal boundaries and they constantly talk themselves into literally believing no rules apply to them.
I'm so frustrated... I don't know what to do. Ugh! My AH is in rehab and has gained some privileges. One of which is looking for a job... Yesterday he wanted to come home for a few hours but I told him I was not comfortable with that yet. I don't want to argue with him but that I'm just not comfortable with him coming home at this point - he came home recently and we ended up in a big fight. He got mad about that and that I told him I wouldn't be driving him to a concert next month. He told me that he wants a divorce and he wants me to pay for it... Well, he just called me from my house - he doesn't even have a key to it anymore - to tell me he was in the area and came to pick up a few things. My son is home by himself so he let him in. (He really didn't know that my AH wasn't supposed to be there. So it was not my sons fault and I hate that he had to be put in the middle like that.) It never crossed my mind that he would/could stop by when I wasn't home. He doesn't even have a license! He had to talk someone into taking him and had to sign himself out of rehab under false pretenses. He took some clothes and movies from the house. I am SURE that the only reason he did it is because I told him yesterday that I don't want him there. I really don't want to get the law involved because he is just being petty and trying to push my buttons... but I also don't want him to think he can just do whatever he wants. I called the facility director to make sure they knew what was going on. He told me that he is pretty sure that he would have been denied leave if he would have told them he was going home to get a few things but that they would check into it.