The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm in md - the laws are strict but not sure exact outcomes of first 2 dui's. He tells me nothing. He hides his problems well to People who don't know him. He is a master "BSer "and salesman. I contacted his lawyer and he had not even told him of other dui's. I'll have to do some more researching. Thanks for your advice and support.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 25th of June 2012 12:55:24 PM
Hi everyone - read a lot of posts last night - couldn't sleep. I feel like I know you all and you all know what I'm going thru. I have 2 young children and no job or I'd be gone by now.
AH (13 yr marriaed, also bipolar compulsive liar) does not think he has any problems - all me, I cause all the problems in our marriage, he's the greatest guy around, everyone thinks so......
He got his 3rd DUI on the 12th, continues to drink every day and drive drunk every day. He still thinks he doesn't have a problem.
Now I found out he frequents strip clubs and massage parlors too. Like I didn't have reason enough to despise him. He's wasting all of our money on these disgusting habits. Its all "his" moeny so he says he can spend it however he wants.
I want him to get the max sentence for his DUI, be forced into rehab or jail. Anyone have experience with this? Can I request this thru the court?
I'm not sure you can request it. Do you usually attend the trials? Is he going to enter a plea deal? My AH just finished his jail time and sentence but he entered a plea deal so the judge gave him a lesser sentence. She took pity on him and I was kinda pissed sitting in the back of the room. He basically only got 2 days in jail and did 11 days of home detention. Personally, I'm not sure what you can actually 'do'. He needs to pay the price for his crimes but you need to take care of you and the children. What are you doing for yourself?
Can you call a lawyer for a free consult? Find someone who specializes in DUI cases and ask them if there is a way for you to communicate with the judge or the courts? Technically, the courts just want to get him off their docket, they don't care about rehab but since he's a repeat offender it might be included in his sentence. I want to warn you,though, that rehab isn't always a true answer to sobriety if they are on that path of destruction. He may have further to fall. I know my AH has further to go and I am working on protecting myself financially. I'm looking for a part time job, every time I want to spend $20 on something like clothing or a meal out I put the money in my savings instead, etc. I am making an effort to make a back up plan, collecting numbers for women's shelters, talking to friends about staying with them for a bit, etc. The best thing you can do is focus on what you can do for the kids right now. Keep reading here, come back and ask lots of questions. Sending you lots of support today!
I have never gone to a trial and he never talks about it. Its none of my business according to him. He never even tells me, its just pretty obvious when the mass junk mail starts flowing in from DUI lawyers. He thinks I'm stupid apparently and won't figure that out. He's also out drinking every day so its easy to find out what I need in his office w/o him knowing. I know he won't get better until he is ready, I'd just like him out of the house for as long as possible. I have told his parents everything too - they are out of state and knew nothing was wrong until a few months ago (they have always know he is bipolar even though he does not even admit that). I got sick of dealing with this on my own. My friends try, but no one understands until they have been in this exact situation. His father is an alcoholic (AA and sober for 30+ years) and mother is bipolar (on lithium and stable for many years) - also have a bipolar brother who is now medicated. Holy red flags that I ignored! I feel pretty stupid honestly. His father has been supportive, but they are elderly and out of state so there is only so much they can do.
I am trying to save some money and I should/will start looking for a job too. I don't want to leave my house, that would kill me. I want him to leave. My kids are young, but my 9 yr old knows we fight. I have protected them as much as possible. My AH is mean and verbally abusive. He had me physically restrained last month and I had the phone in my hand to call the police. I wish I had called.
This is my first step to do something for myself! I just ordered some books from Amazon, step 2...... I'll see if the face to face meetings are convenient in my area, might be hard in summer while my kids are home. I will go in the fall when school starts if I can't get there sooner.
I just confronted him with the massage parlor info and I used the DETACHMENT that I read about. He tried talking me out of believing it, then started a fight, then he said that he has a list of lies I have told him and has documented all of my improper spending. I didn't budge, I didn't argue, I didn't flinch. I just let him spin his wheels. My hands were shaking, but I didn't let him see it.
Kind of rambling here - sorry..... thanks for the support.
DUI laws all depend on the state. You can look online just type in your state and DUI laws that should take you to where you need to go. I'm not giving legal advice just stating if you are curious as to what the laws are in your state then you can find out what the penalties are .. now when you figure that out then there is a whole twist of hoping that everyone involved did their job. As well as hoping his lawyer can't find a way to get him out of it. Then the question becomes is he a lucktard? He gets the right judge who lets him go and so on.
It really all depends. Where I am a 2nd DUI means automatic jail time (days), loss of license 5 years. It's another 2500$ to even get your license back as you now have to have a lawyer to get it back. Just because you do the time without your license you now go before a board and have to explain and prove you are no longer a danger to society. The fines are astronomical .. as in thousands of dollars. I can't imagine what a 3rd DUI brings pretty much it could be a loss of license for life. The fines are no joke. No BAIID either in the loss of license. My AH had to wear a SCRAM for 6 months as well. In my state the DMV is separate from the courts .. so it doesn't always matter what the courts say unless it's a straight case that is dropped.
Anyway, .. I hope that you find some answers that will give you peace. For me knowledge is power knowing what I am dealing with always soothes me vs making me uncomfortable. Knowing something is better than nothing .. I can't control it that's for sure and it's just going to be what it's going to be. Bottom line .. it's his garbage to deal with the consequences I only need protect my kids to the best of my ability.
BLAH BLAH BLAH .. he doesn't have crap .. it's all deflection and scare tactics. So don't sweat stuff that isn't true .. he's going to say whatever he wants to say .. the good news is you aren't the one with the DUI it leaves him hanging in the wind.
I hope you will go to an alanon meeting, it will help settle you and give you your "detachment fuel" for the week .. it's been a very positive experience in my own life and I highly recommend and encourage anyone to go because it really does work if you work it.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My exAH used to visit strip clubs and loved his pornography. I felt between his sex addictions and alcoholism there was little to nothing left for me and well it played havoc on my self worth. I am hoping you can find some face to face Al-anon meetings and keep coming back here and reading, there are very wise people among us! Sending you much love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Try to have a face to face meeting with a divorce attorney. Get all of your questions answered...custody, spousal support, child support, how to have him removed from the house, etc. Just by having this meeting, you are not making any decisions about your future, but you are empowering yourself with knowledge so when you are ready to make a decision, you can. Once you are ready to make a move, then he will know that you have done your homework and you are ready to move on with your life with your kids. He will be forced to face the truth and it will probably scare him. This might be his crisis that helps him come around. If not, then you will still be able to go on with your life without all of the chaos for you and your kids. Good luck. I know exactly what you are going through. My AH is bipolar too and has a panic disorder. Alcohol and meds are a scary combination. Peace to you and your children.
