Hi,  I'm glad to finally have found this forum.  I've been married to an alcoholic for almost 13 years. Looking back, I can now see that what I thought was someone in his twenties who liked to party was really someone in the early stages of alcoholism.  Now I feel like the worst kind of mother in the world to have had children with this person and have them constantly exposed to my their father's drinking binges and our fighting.  I haven't tried at all to cover up for my husband for their sake- I thought honesty was the best course of action with my two older sons (they're both 8), but now I am not so sure I did the right thing because one of my boys feels like he has to check the garbage, the cars, every little nook and cranny to bring me evidence of his dad's drinking, and he does not want me to be left alone with his father, ever (because he is so angry with him, my husband has not ever been abusive, although he has driven my kids around while intoxicated).  My other 8 year old  (who is on the autism spectrum, but is high functioning intellectually, just not emotionally) just repeatedly asks his dad why he won't stop drinking.  I'm not sure how much my 4 year old is aware of, except for the fact that there's tension in the house and Daddy frequently sleeps on the couch.  Our house is really, really small- as much as I might try to avoid having the kids hear things, it's just not possible. 

I would really like to have the option to divorce my husband but I don't.  I have no money to hire an attorney, or to pay the mortgage/childcare/etc.  on my own.  We're upside down on our mortgage, so we can't sell it.  If we were to divorce, the house would probably end up being foreclosed and my credit- which has already taken a beating- will be ruined.  At one point, my husband was in charge of paying bills and keeping the budget so I could focus on grad school in addition to a full time job and taking care of the kids.  Over the past year or so, he has been spending hundreds of dollars on alcohol a month.  He was just choosing to not pay our mortgage and student loans when he ran out of cash for booze.  I work full time as a teacher and also working two part time tutoring jobs, as well as the after school program, to try to bring in enough cash to make ends meet, since I was constantly hearing about how we were not making it thru until the end of the month (and had several of our utilities cut off at times).  So since I was not around the house that often, I did not realize the frequency with which the collectors were calling until I was home recovering from surgery over spring break.  I had to write a check for $2,000 to cover my student loan arrears, or else they would have sent me a bill for payment in full, and then had to pay the mortgage company back.  He also ran up my credit card.  So it appears that I am stuck with him at least for another year, until my youngest child is out of daycare.  Even at that point I will probably have to cash in my IRA to pay attorney fees.

I could go on, but I know this has been lengthy so far.  I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read it.  I don't really have any friends or family nearby that can help me out or give me any support.  The few people I do talk to about this mean well, but I still feel alone in this situation because they can't really relate to it.  I know of Al-anon meetings nearby, but I am afraid to leave my children alone with my AH so I can attend, and I obviously do not have $$ to hire a sitter.  Any response or feedback is welcome.