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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> How long do I sit and wait?
Post Info TOPIC: How long do I sit and wait?
dragonflys


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How long do I sit and wait?
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My AH has been out of the house for 6 weeks now. 

I am still paying for the car that he is driving and the cell phone that he is using.  He texts me today and told me that he passed his drug test for a job.  Guess that means he hasnt done any drugs. 

He keeps asking if we can be a family again.  I keep telling him the same thing over and over...I DONT KNOW... I am trying to work on myself and get better and help my kids get better.  I dont have the time or the energy to worry about our marriage.  I dont want to file for divorce because to be honest, I dont want to have to pay spousal support.  And, Yes, I talked to a few lawyers, and he will get it if he asks for it.  At least in my state he will.  They dont care that he was an addict.  I chose to live with him and take care of him.

Sometimes I wonder if the only reason he wants to be back together is so that he has a place to live, and someone to take care of him. 

For me, I have to keep reminding myself "NO FUTURE TRIPPIN" and "Let go and Let God"

But days like today, I wonder, how long do I sit around and wait to do anything...

dragonflys

 



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Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

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Did you ever find a face to face meeting?? I understand how hard it really is, and the only one who can answer your question is you. For me I got sick and tired of being sick and tired .. he wasn't going to change and even if he did .. it would be YEARS before he can catch up and even be part of the man I know he can be. His thinking is so distorted and I feel sorry for him at this point and time.

If he has legal issues believe me THEY CARE .. they have to be current and relevant to what is going on now not 5 years ago or even 2 years ago unless there is a pending issue. In that regard I am fortunate I have a yes on that one.

What I found was I did the foot work and THEN I knew what I needed to do. I guess what it boiled down to for me was I was tired of being someone's plan B .. well hell .. I don't even know I was plan B at that point and time. My kids are doing fine. I'm away from family and I am fortunate to have the support I do have so I do not knock it.

If I"m ok .. my kids are going to be ok. That is what it really boils down to.

You are going to know when you are ready to make that kind of leap. I truly encourage you to know ALL of your options. I went as far as to talk to other divorced women of addicts and non addicts ask what they wished they had done differently, what they liked about what they did .. when I spoke to the lawyer .. literally I had pages of questions. I left his office and he looked at me and said I do not believe anyone has given me so much information or I have taken so much information from a client on a consultation before, that was a lot .. lol!

You will know .. hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
dragonflys


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Thanks Pushka. Spousal support is BIG here in Cali. And really the judges do not care what he did the entire time we were married. He has no legal issues. The only time that addiction comes into the picture during a divorce is in regards to custody of the kids, which he would never get as he cannot support himself, let alone a child. In their eyes, I stayed and supported him for the length of our marriage...my bad. Lesson learned. I have spoken to several attorney's regarding this. One good thing is that he will have to get the money for an attorney to actually file for and get the spousal support...and he doesnt have any money.

I guess today is different than other days for me because I just had to pay 2 parking tickets that he got while driving my car. UGH! This is making me think that I need to start the process to get the car back in my possession or having the loan placed in his name.

I agree that if I am ok, my kids will be ok too. And they are doing so much better than they have been in a long time.

Thanks for being here!
dragonflys

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Mattie


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I don't live in California, but my lawyer told me that if my ex had a demonstrated ability to live on his own -- by that time we had lived apart for several years without any spousal support -- then that would cut into his argument that he "needed" spousal support.  I don't know if it would be the same where you live.  But it does make the saying, "Don't just do something, sit there" seem appropriate!  Sending you lots of good wishes!



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Debilyn


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Yes you are in a hard position.

You mentioned paying his bills. I don't quite get that. Are they both in your name?

I believe in allowing them to figure it out for themselves.

I am glad you came here and let this stuff out.

Is he in recovery? Is her making amends? Be a family? What has changed? I sure know what you mean. I do believe my Ah was using me for a very long time. I had no idea he had relapsed. All I knew was the neat guy in recovery was disappearing at a fast rate.

Sending you hugs hon, debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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dragonflys


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Posts: 107
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Everything is in my name. Always has been. He says he is trying to get a job, but he lives 700 miles away so who really knows, right? It's not like he can really do anything for me and the kids so far away. Oh well, whatever. I am just happy that my house is calm right now and there is no chaos. Thanks for all the support Dragonflys

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