The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My partner just came in from work with the usual joyful sunny disposition (not). I get so sick of it that sometimes I resort again (slip back to) wanting to control. Sometimes I just can't detach a moment longer. I think I want to leave the relationship but I am filled with sadness at the loss that would be involved of the positive things it brings me. That's why I want them to change so I can stay and have a good life. With acceptance comes the weight of responsibility for making choiced based in reality that make my life work, and it's not a comfortable place...in fact it is downright painful. Feeling sad sad sad. Tigger x
I feel like I read my own post when I read yours. You and I seem to be walking in the same pair of shoes. I have found this site to be helpful when I want to say something, I just go to it and start reading. It changes my focus from his problems to my own sanity. I have also learned to walk away and go to another room with the door shut or go out for a walk. I have found that the more I detach and don't give in to the arguments, the more he seems to want to engage me in one. Ironic, huh? I think he doesn't know what has happened to me because I have become so detached and he doesn't know how to handle it. It's all very interesting and very empowering. Hang in there!
Thanks for sharing! that sounds really frustrating and difficult.
It helps me to reduce the scope of the decisions i have to make...for instance, "i only have to be calm and collected for the next ten minutes", and when that ten minutes is up, i check in with myself and maybe set the timer again. If I can't be that way I put myself somewhere else, call a program friend, write on the message board here (I do all that stuff anyway when i AM calm and collected).
I remember a time when I didn't have the insight to know that I was trying to control other peoples lives. Now when I find myself in that place, at least i'm aware of it. progress, not perfection!
I was up in the middle of the night last night and I let my brain start obsessing. Then, I got revved up enough to start texting my ex because I'm sure his new gf is lying to him about certain things and I know he's lying to her so I want to make him see what she is doing and make him be honest. Whoa!!!!! Crazy!!!!! Well, halfway through this text I saw how crazy this was and that it was only feeding on more obsession and need to control. What he is doing with his new gf is his business, not mine. I couldn't even control things when we were together so what makes me think I can control him now? This brought me to my next issue around 3.30 am...How can I ever trust again? Then I started thinking about this...if I keep surrounding myself and using up my energy on untrustworthy people then I won't foster any feelings of being able to trust others. We started talking again this week after 3 weeks of no contact and I can see where it is going to put me right back where I was. He is sick and I get sicker when I'm with him. I deleted that text, read excerpts on control in One Day At A Time and drifted back to sleep. I was disappointed that I let myself start slipping into old behaviors, but there is progress because I stopped myself. I woke up this morning looking forward to my day and the company I plan to keep today-ME!!!
Chaya
Thank you (((all))) for your feedback and shares. I'm figuring out that it is not enough to just detach the once, hoping the person will see that and say to themselves "oh ok. Look at that. She has detached I will behave now"! Hmm no. I have to first detach...then get real and remember they will probably try to hook me back...then detach again...then when they carry on with provoking detach some more...then detach again...and some more!!! The game can sometimes be "how long can Tigger detach for before she gets got and gives in and controls me so I can feel more in control of Tigger?" It's not a fun game. But what I'm also experiencing lately is the more I really AM detached the less likely they will bother to try and pull me off because it's actually a different more boundaried yet open hearted vibe, which in essence frees them too in some way. Does that make sense? Love Tigger x
I am right there with you. I try to detatch, and then I find myself trying to control. Just like today, I have been so great at not answering his texts or calls. But, today when he asks to come here, I felt a need to answer and say NO! Ugh. I jumped at this chance to control. I should have remained totally detached. Him asking my permission is just stupid anyway, it is his home too. I really don't have a say at this point. So, why did he ask, and why did I say no? He replied with to my "No" with that exact repsonse, he said, "Well, I don't need your permission." Which just shows what a circle of bs the whole thing is. xxoo Hang in there Tigger.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Someone shared and I loved it when I was the craziest person in the room I had all the power and that's so hard to give up even when it's a hallucination. You just have to keep coming back and keep the focus on you. Which you are doing a GREAT job!! It takes a lot of time, billions and gazillions of doing something different in baby steps and remembering we did not wake up here over night .. it took a LONG time to get here and it's going to take a LONG time to get better.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
