The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an alcoholic. He has been going down this path for at least 4 years now. Heck, it could be even longer than that. His father was an alcoholic as well. His father has been sober now for 18 years.
Back in March, as things were just as normal as ever, my AH came up to me in the most coward way and said he's done and wants out. Excuse me? I was floored. We haven't been living together in over a year but that was due to work. Me and the kids even moved in with family so we could be closer to him and save money at the same time. Well, money was never saved as it was spent on his alcohol addiction. He has admitted he's an alcoholic but as of a few weeks ago, he was not even interested in getting help. We do not talk much anymore unless it is about the kids. And sometimes he won't even discuss them.
His choice of "friends" is awful. They have been encouraging him to do this because, well, they like him being the fun drunk guy. He has surrounded himself with people like him for the past 8 months at least.
He never once said to me that there were problems with us. I take it as, there weren't any problems except his drinking. He is hardly a dad. He never really was. I always had to beg him (as well as the kids) to spend time with his family. He was always using the excuse that he was tired and just wanted to relax with a few beers. There were never just a few beers. It was always so many more than that.
He has stopped coming around to see the kids now. It's so sad because they don't even ask for him much. Once in a while they might ask but they don't get upset with his excuses. He is always busy drinking. I wish so badly that he would seek help. I know that he has to want it for himself but a girl can hope.
As far as us, I am ok with going through with the divorce. He has been so cruel, nasty, cold and full of lies. I can't imaging me getting over the betrayal. He refuses to pay bills and since I have been a SAHM for many years, I have no way to pay them. Yes, I will be getting a job.
He hasn't even gotten a lawyer to start the divorce process yet. Why not? He wanted this so badly and now he is just, what, waiting for me to do it all? I am so sick of doing everything for him. I always did. I was always supporting him even when most people in my situation would have bolted. I took my vows very seriously as he did not.
I have only gotten to 1 al anon meeting so far. As soon as I walked through the door, I was cying. I will be getting to more but my head is still spinning.
In the beginning when all this came down on me, we were very civil about it all. I was trying to fight for my marriage while he already gave up. Things were fine for about 2 months and then there was a switch in his brain.
I could have written your post almost word for word .. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. What I can tell you is it does get better. Get some alanon and major support behind you and that will make ALL of the difference in the world for you. I know it did me.
They talk a lot about wanting out .. they haven't got a clue how to go about it. Mine actually wanted to know why I filed .. umm .. let's see .. you don't love me and you don't want to be in the marriage .. he didn't want to work on the marriage either. I think that kind of sums it all up in a nutshell. What he has to do is HIS issue not yours.
My kids don't ask about their dad either .. he is still seeing them however I'm actually waiting for the day he stops with the visitation on his own. That will be his loss and all I can do is what is best for our kids. They understand that their dad loves them the best he can and so do I. We aren't perfect and both of us have made mistakes.
It will be almost a week in between contact .. I don't discourage them from reaching out however .. they are 13 and 8. They will call when they think of it .. let's face it out of sight out of mind. It is his responsibility the relationship he has with them no one else's. It's not on them either. My kids both know they are safe and loved and I will provide them the most stable environment I can.
You absolutely need to do what is in your own best interests and that of your children's. Protect yourself and them, because there is no one else who will. Being the parent who my kids know they can come to with whatever is on their heart is a great joy for me. They know they can talk to me about anything and if they can't talk about it with me I will find someone who they can talk to.
Please keep coming back .. and keep going to face to face meetings it makes all of the difference in the world!!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm so sorry, that sounds very painful regarding the kids. I don't have a lot of ESH but maybe the kids would benefit from Al-ATeen, if they are old enough? Big hugs to you.
I have been wondering if there was a woman out there that is either in my shoes or was in my shoes.
How did you get though it?
Of course I still love him but I am smart enough (and strong enough) to know that this is no life for me and my kids. Even if he woke up tomorrow, I couldn't remain with him. He has NEVER been physically abusive or anything like that, but to have a husband who is a father always put beer, friends and bars ahead of his family, is not a man, and I deserve so much more than what he is/became.
My kids are the reason I am so strong. I have always been a very strong person, but they make me better. I couldn't imagine my life without them.
Things have gotten ugly these past few weeks. And without communication from him, I do not know what is going on in his warped little head. He has tried over and over to blame me for his addiction but I immediately snapped back at him that I did not have anything to do with it. In the past, I would ask him to slow down the drink intake and the last almost 10 months me and my son have asked him to either stop or cut back significantly. The way I see it is because I was "bothering" him about it, he figured he would be better off leaving the marriage. Coward! That's all I kept saying to him.
I will go back to Al Anon. My kids won't be able to go there yet....they aren't old enough. I have a few books on a wishlist that I do want to buy for them. They have been highly recommended.
It has been 1 1/2 years in the making (this is how long I've been attending alanon) .. For me that means 2 face to face meetings a week, I have a sponsor, I'm working the steps, going to open AA meetings, going to individual counseling. It's been all about learning about ME. I have had to own what part I played in the demise of my relationship. My A has been out of the house for almost 150 days now. It's less than that because in Feb it looked like we were headed for reconciliation.
Oh I have been angry, .. still go there .. it gets better. I choose to make each day the best I can for myself and for the kids. You are not going to rationalize with an irrational person and trust me .. he's an addict he's irrational. Me trying to rationalize with him makes me irrational .. lol .. it's just not a doable situation.
I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism and my life has become unmanageable. I am powerless over other people, places, things and the past (that is a me thing .. lol). I acknowledge that alcoholism is a disease and not a choice. His thinking is distorted and living with someone who has distorted thinking MY thinking became distorted (in my case it already was). I AM powerful when it comes to my faith, my person, my emotional health. The best thing my A did for me was move out. He gave me clarity of mind, body and spirit.
I take everything one day at a time. I only have to do each day as it comes. I do not have to attend every fight I'm invited to and I'm invited to a lot of fights. I choose my battles and I have stopped reacting to what is happening around me. I see I have many more choices than I ever thought I had. We do not speak often and so most is through email and text.
I'm so glad to hear you are going back to alanon that's a huge step. I encourage you to get a sponsor and work the steps. My kids are so much happier, more relaxed being away from the chaos. The real reality is I'M more relaxed and because I'm going to be ok my kids will be ok as well. Oh it's not to say everything is rainbows and unicorns .. lol .. however with the thorns I see so much more clearly the roses that are in my life. I am blessed in many ways. I'm also a SAHM with no education at this point.
The only thing I can do for my children is give them the coping skills to handle the visitation they have with their dad. Teach them by example how to handle difficult situations and let them know they have voice again by example. The only place I have power is how I choose to handle myself and my reactions to any given situation. I am NOT perfect, so it's progress not perfection.
It gets better, hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I don't know if you have read Getting them Sober but alcoholics are actually quite hard to get rid of. The ex A and I split up 5 years ago. Every now and again he would call and ask about the dog I took from him (because he neglected it). Then I would get calls from his storage facility (since we were split up why would he put my name on the lease he had a mother after all).
They often leave the door open. If your A hasn't initiated divorce proceedings he is probably not going to do it soon. Of course your divorce is more complicated because there are custody issues.
I can relate very much to feeling abandoned I used to feel incredibly abandoned by the ex A. I had to really name the issue and work on it. Soon enough I was able to embrace solitude rather than fear it. Of course during that time I'd found this board and found a place to call home psychologically (physically is another matter).
He chose this though. Why wouldnt he start the process. Does he think it'll just go away? He has been suck a D**K to me. And because of that treatment, I have been mean right back. I know where it hirts the most and unfortunately, I have gone there. Im not so proud of the things i have said, but at the moment my emotions took complete control. These past 3 months have been rough but I have been dealong with it all pretty good. I was very nice and accommodating and since he chose to turn nasty, I refuse to help him anymore.
I didnt want to file first since it wasnt my decision to divorce. I didnt want him to say to the kids that I filed first amd that was it. I feel he should file, not me. Plus, being a sahm, I have no income and cannot afford the legal fees.
It has been my experience with the alcoholic(married 26 years) together 30, that when they say they want out, they are getting ready to go out on a big binge. I cant count how many times the A told me he wanted out. Its a defense mechanism. They care nothing except for the mistress called alcohol.
I really suggest that you try and make a face to face alanon meeting if you can. Dont be too hasty in deciding to divorce. Believe me too wait for an alcoholic to file, it wont happen. Things can change in the blink of an eye. Why not think about what you want. I hope you will seriously join this fellowship while you decide. Being married to an A is like a rollercoaster ride. Why not do something different and react in a new way. Alanon will show you how.
I am exactly where you are right now regarding divorce and who is going to file.
My AH moved out 6 weeks ago. He moved 700 miles away. I dont want to file for divorce cause if I do, he will probably get spousal support from me. He hasnt worked for 5 out of the 6 years we have been married. If he files in the state he is in, I might get out of doing that. He has asked me on several occasions if I was going to file, I told him no. I am not sure if that is leading him on or what, but to be quite honest, I dont feel like doing anything right now in regards to filing or even anything that would have to do with him.
I understand when you say you dont want him telling the kids that you wanted the divorce. My AH blames me for our family issues. I am sure that he will tell our daughter that mommy doesnt like daddy so daddy cant live there anymore. Thats fine with me, he can blame me all he wants. He doesnt see how happy the children are without him stompping around, slamming doors, screaming and cussing or giving the silent treatment.
It is so hard when kids are involved. I am completely overwhelmed as I work full-time and have no family close to help with the kids. I am completely and utterly alone with these kids. But this life, is 100 times better than our life with my AH in our home.
I know I will need to make a decision soon, but for right now, I have decided to Let Go and Let God... I live one day at a time and do what I need to do for myself and my kids.
Pushka, Like I have said before I was with the alcoholic for 30 years.Been apart 5. All I can tell you is that its a process. I couldnt go backwards. I was sick and tired and knew I had to do it for ME. My health, my happiness, it was wearing me down.
Of course Alanon was my life saver and I knew I was on the right path. I also do meditations every day, twice a day. I noticed that a lot of members do not rely on a HP or a sponsor. I have been in Alanon for over 25 years. I have had 3 sponsors. When your new in Alanon the right sponsor is so important, you dont have to suffer so needlessly. They have walked before you, we have walked in your shoes. We have all suffered at the hands of this disease.
You sound like you are getting the strength you need to stay strong, its a difficult path . They are sick and you hate to abandon the sick, but we each have to find our path to serenity and happiness, it is there for them if they want too, they just dont want too, at least not yet. Meanwhile you continue on. Keep coming back. Luv, Bettina
His big binge drinking weekend is coming up soon. He has his 20 yr high school reunion. This has been in the works for quite a while and all the drunk/lowlifes that he went to high school with are the ones he is hanging out with now. It's been a long long time since he saw any of them, but now this is what is happening. And its not just a night of drinking.....they made it out to be a 3 day all you can drink weekend. Nice, huh !
I never chose to abandon him, even when I got more and more frustrated with the way he was starting to live his life. But, he did choose to leave us. I was so heartbroken and upset at first and then I took a real good look at the last 4 years of my life and my kids lives with him. We were never important enough for him. And this was starting before the drink took him over. His priorities have not been right in so long. So, as I look back, I realize that I need to better my life for my kids. I will not and do not want to allow an anchor like him to keep drowning us. We have put our lives on hold waiting for him. That's no life at all. It's not fair. Yes, I know it's a disease, however, there is help out there that he is refusing to get. It's almost like having cancer that is treatable but choosing to not take it. It's ignorant. I would love for him to serve me divorce papers soon.
The kids just talked to him before bed and instead of him moving to an area where my kids don't hear where he is, he made it a point to let them know whose house he was at. My kids know about his disease and the people that he chooses to hang out with. They are bad. I never did like them and now I don't even more. They are the type that drive their kids while they are drunk and oh do they love popping pills. I do not agree with that at all. And with this problem he's got, he is still choosing to be with them. I know I shouldn't care, but my kids need a sober dad....one who can make sound choices and put them first.
Am I just ranting? Sorry..With all the crap that I have had to deal with, it just pi**es me off. And to top it off, he's a deadbeat.
