The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My disease pulls that on me too, it tries to destroy me, tells me I totally effed everything up, tells me I'm worthless, etc. etc. That's our disease talking.
You have made amazing progress with all of this awareness. Courage is not the absence of fear, my friend. It's taking the action in spite of the fear, and you did it, give yourself credit. But whenever I make some spiritual progress, my disease tries to come back in full force to make me doubt myself, get me fearful again. I had to find a substitute for him, to fill my time in the beginning, going cold turkey can be a white-knuckling experience, I had to keep busy with lots of meetings, and phone my sponsor every time I wanted to call him instead, etc. etc.
It helped to keep telling myself, "I'm making an opening for something NEW, something better to come in its place." I can't have something new, if I keep holding onto the old. That's what "letting go" meant to me.
Did you see Titanic? Remember the ending, when Leonardo Dicaprio sinks into the water after she lets him go? That image always came to me as I tried releasing my past... just letting the universe have it.... let it fall away from me..
Give yourself your lovingkindness, you deserve lots of it (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 22nd of June 2012 10:34:32 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Ok, so I left the ABF. I think it was the right choice, and am certainly trying to move forward. I dont contact him, etc. It was a clumsy exit. I didnt ever say "we are done!", I just...stopped. I come here, I see my therapist, I go to al anon & coda, I try to take care of my physical body w/ yoga, aromatherapy baths, meditation, and breathing techniques. But, I still think of him A LOT! I recognize that much of my discomfort is due to not knowing myself, the withdrawal process of being addicted to another person and to drama, and knowing that the tools I developed in my disfuntional childhood are incorrect (which leads to major distrust of myself). I.am kust really frustrated. I cant smile. I have no compassion for myself. I am so angry with myself for how I handled things...being controlling, expecting him to be responsible for my self esteem, enabling him,and ducking out the way I did. I cant forgive myself. Being told to "let go" baffles me. I dont know what that means or how to do it. Im tired. I am working so hard, and it is exhaustinh. I read and repeat affirmations, and they feel lifeless to me. Any ESH would be appreciated. Thank you.
Deep breath! I had the compulsion to think everything was such a big deal all the time, then it spirals to drama, then we over analyze - it's a killer catch 22 situation.
When we love someone, no matter how dysfunctional it takes time to break from it. It takes time for your body and mind to let go - be ok with that. I was really developing feelings for a guy about a year ago - and it took me about 3 months to stop thinking about him all the time. In fact on occasion he still enters my mind and I just wave it off.
I've had to learn that the more we fight our feelings, the harder they insist on being there. Let yourself mourne and go through this and let it be OK that you are having a hard time with it. It passes much faster when we do that. Even with little things, like when I'm angry with my kids instead of beating myself up I go "well yea that was kind of irritating I probably have the right to be upset, now how do I want to handle it"? That works much better than "you shouldn't be mad over this, you should know how to handle it without being angry".
Who says you can't forgive yourself? Who? Can you answer that? Part of you thinks you deserve to suffer or you would let go because nobody else's opinion of you really matters. It takes a lot of practice to learn to view yourself as your own best friend. I hated myself for most of my life. Self-affirmations felt hollow to me too. I started doing what I really wanted to with my life and what I thought I was too afraid to do. Something change in me. I do feel like I am worth it now. Ending a relationship with someone who doesn't treat you well is monumental, but you wont start feeling good about yourself until you really get used to being single again and until you are far enough away from the drama and conflict of that relationship to see how much good you did yourself by moving forward. It's early on after a break up - it's not supposed to feel good right now, BUT - you don't need to beat yourself up. It does not seem like you purposely tried to hurt anyone and didn't knowingly set out to get hurt either. Disappointment and loss happens in relationships and it's not a reflection of you.
I remember being in a week-long workshop - basically a 6-day intensive self-care & awareness workshop, with about a dozen other people.... The facilitator asked us all a simple question:
"On a scale of 1 to 100, please write down what number you would assign your children, in terms of lovability, desire for them to reach their potential, your willingness to love and forgive them, etc".... The average score in our group was 90+
He then asked us to write down our score for where we would rate/rank ourselves, as opposed to our children.... The average score in the group was something less than 50....
The point of the exercise was pretty simple - we are ALL equally lovable, deserving, forgiveable, etc - yet we are typically sooooo much harder on ourselves, than on others around us (even those who may have harmed us).
For me - it worked when I tried to look at me as though I were one of my best friends, and tried to treat myself as I would like to think I treated others that I loved....
Daily affirmations also worked wonders for me, and the secret was to pick one that actually meant something specific to you..... In time, I found that I could almost always find an affirmation that felt very applicable to ME.
Hope that helps
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
C...recovery is about progress not perfection. You're growing and with more practice and new awarenesses you will grow more. Make those expectations of yourself reasonable...and by the way only one part of the disease of addiction is the compulsion. Thinking about him isn't the same as doing about him. Pat Pat Pat yourself on the back and move to the next step. In support ((((hugs))))
My sponsor had a great suggestion for me one time...
Whenever I start getting into a funk of over-examining myself or getting down about a situation, she suggested I do something to get outside of myself. One of the best suggestions she gave me was to call someone who I know has been having a hard time and hear them out - be a friend and listen, or go spend some time with them, etc.
This has saved me many times. Really helps me get a new perspective on things, too.
This can also be looked at as part of Al-Anon's three legacies - Service.
Thank you everyone. So much. I wouldnt be as ok as I am without you. I really mean than. Yes, pinkchip, there is definately part of me that feels I should suffer. I dont know where this came from really, but now that I aware of it...I can see how long it has been with me. Since as far back as I can remember. I suppose, it is something to note and take to my therapist. And, I get confused about treating myself like my own best friend. Because, Im heavy on the compliance patterns of codependency, so now Im distruatful of everything nice I have.ever done! Was I just subconsciously being manipulative to get people to like me? And my A was my best friend...and well...that didnt turn out so hot. Ha! So, that idea is confusing to me as well. I just left what I thought was going to be a 12 step group, but it turned out to be just a share group. I suppose, I got a little out of it. Thank you everyone.
People pleasing is really hard for me. I can relate very much to going to the group stuff. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. I went to a group for abuse survivors a while ago. I felt like everyone was still pretty fused with their primary perpetrator. Of course I've always been pretty quick to bring people into my life who do abuse me but I stopped all contact with my family quite a while ago. I think we take things that very personally. This last time I did a group I was aware it might not pay off. I still gave it a go. I got somethings out of it even if it was to see without therapy and al anon I would still probably be trying to get my family to love me.
For me the people pleasing stuff is in layers. Recently I set a whole bunch of limits at a part time job I have. No one there liked it much but it actually worked out much much better for me. When I was being too nice they walked all over me literally. Now I have limits its much tougher because I have to stick to them.
I'm a beginner at self care. I find that taking it really slow helps. I try to work on my attitude towards myself too a whole lot but my expectations have to be real rather than unreal.
