The material presented
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Hello everybody... I'm new here... and really new to the whole Al-Anon experience.
Just a bit of background... I've been living with my BF who is for the most part a binge drinker. He is going through a nasty divorce and custody battle that you just wouldn't believe... I mean its a 'made-for-Lifetime-TV-esque' type of situation... whenever he has a conflict with that situation, he binge drinks ALOT then lashes out at me... thats the reader's digest version, but theres much more to all this.
Last week I had to ask him to leave (he was drunk and totally out of control lashing out verbally) and when he refused I had to call the police... NEVER had to do that in my life, and I'm just devestated. For the most part he's gone, but still has belonings at my place.. and he keeps reaching out with the 'I'm sorry' - s, the 'thats not me' -isms.. and wanting to come back... I'm at a true crossroads here...
The situation at hand has got so hard for me to deal with, I sought out counselling a few weeks ago even prior to last weeks events, and have had 2 sessions. My counselor suggested I look into Al Anon, so here I am..
Just trying to get my feet wet, so to speak, and see if this would be benificial in my situation...
If someone else's drinking is bothering you and effecting your life in a negative way ... you belong.
I don't know if you have read some alanon lit as well as non alanon lit. There are some really great books out there .. Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew, .. Co Dependent No More, Melody Beattie, How Alanon Works is another one.
Something someone has often posted on the boards here is if you knew in 10 - 15 - 20 years without a doubt nothing was going to change would you make the same decisions now. I'm not saying stay or go, .. I'm saying that only you can decide what is best for you in your situation, .. it is something to chew on and think about. If nothing changes, .. nothing changes .. and I can tell you I went from a drug addict to an alcoholic and I even had a 3 year period in between of dating non addicts, who of course were boring. Silly silly me .. lol.
I hope you will find some face to face meetings in your local area and hear what others have to share. It's truly a road to a new way of life and is a road less traveled to come into the rooms of alanon and change your life.
Keep coming back!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
"Something someone has often posted on the boards here is if you knew in 10 - 15 - 20 years without a doubt nothing was going to change would you make the same decisions now. I'm not saying stay or go, .. I'm saying that only you can decide what is best for you in your situation, .. it is something to chew on and think about."
Defintely something to take into consideration. Welcome to the board!
Alcoholics are pretty good at convincing you to abandon your boundaries and red flags. If this were not the case, his 1. not being divorced yet and having a huge custody battle going on, 2. being verbally abuse, and 3. being a binge drinker could and would all be potential deal breakers on their own let alone the combination of all 3.
I can only speak from experience and on the other side of the fence as well. My ex was nasty, verbally and emotionally abusive to the extreme with my kids and me, occasionally physically abusive to the kids, and began drinking after we split in early 2007. By early 2008 he was married again. My ex and I were in a custody battle as well.
A year later he and second wife were separated after two physical abuse incidents against her with drinking involved. As I hear, he even abused her son once. Then a year after that she came to a birthday party for my middle son, singled me and my parents out to apologize. (The apology has to do with her getting involved in our custody case, lying for him and being the reason my kids were forced into an abusive situation for the last 5 years, but that's a different story altogether)
I like the saying I've heard here a few times, I've seen it attributed to Maya Angelou - "if someone shows you who they are, believe them". No one can tell you how to move forward but attending Al-Anon is going to be very beneficial for you, I agree and sounds like you found a very good therapist.
I can relate to all of this. When I met the ex A he had just ended a long relationship with another drug user. He blamed his whole life issues on her. Then he had a whole long saga about car crashes (he sued the other person and guess what his settlement was affected by his drug use !!! Whoa what a revelation.
The ex A lashed out at me all the time. I took it till I couldn't take it anymore. If he had a hard day he let me know it. If I had a hard day it was tough luck and what was I complaining about.
One time the ex A came with me to the emergency room. I was in the critical care site on oxygen strapped up to the monitor on all kinds of drugs. He came in and told me how resentful he was because it was boring in the waiting room. The irony was that I didn't actually see that as a red flag. I just felt resentful.
I am glad you are reaching out and taking care of yourself. You don't have to actually do anything right now. One of the hall marks of alcoholism is the urgency. Everything is a crisis. Its all right now this minute take action or they will shrink up and disappear.
Alcoholics are actually quite hard to get rid of. If you feel you might lose him think again they don't go anywhere as long as they have people who enable them. When you don't enable them its another matter but as long as you have a soft spot for them they don't got too far.
You don't have to make this into a huge crisis of decide this minute. You can take it one day at a time and take your time. No one here is going to lecture, mandate or judge you. Al anon can help if you give it a chance but nothing happens overnight.
Aloha Bug and welcome to the board from out here in the Pacific.
From my experience..."only two" of the many behavioral characteristics of someone under the influence of alcohol or drugs are...Loss of control ...and anger because they cannot get control back. Its the control struggle...everyone wants to be in control and alcohol takes it from you and continues to do so as you continue to drink.
Those "Sorrys that's not me" isms are not true...Those are me when I'm under the influence (often times being under the influence doesn't even include drinking the chemical) and until I go to get help and learn what other recovering people do...I will always be under the influence.
Calling the cops helps to bring his bottom up. It's happened to me before and was part of the whole package of seeking help.
Good for your courage and follow thru. You sound more fearless than I was back then. Today they, the cops, are listed on my list of Higher Powers...under God as I understand God and above going crazy and starting a war.
Good to have you here. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Thank you guys ever so much for all your words! I'm just sitting here reading all this and saying to myself "YES!!! THAT'S EXACTLY IT!!" Its almost surreal as to hear it... all your insight is as if you're turning on light bulbs of thought and understanding for me... my goodness... thank you!
If you don't mind, I think I'll hang around for a while ;) Looking into meetings in my area here... may check one out next week....
