The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This week managed to somehow get worse for me. My AH is battling a pattern of weekly relapses, and then we found out this week that his ex-wife is trying to stop a planned visitation we had with his daughter for next week.
I don't know what to do. I've tried comforting him, myself, and am just devastated. We have a family vacation planned at the beach, and it just breaks my heart that this will be stopped.
As background, the relationship with my stepdaughter's mom has been volatile for a long time -- she is now trying to claim that his PTSD diagnosis from his combat tours makes him unsafe to be around my stepdaughter.I don't believe she knows about his alcoholism, and he's never had any problems that I know of in front of the daughter. And I honestly, truly think he is a wonderful father that poses no danger to her - I would speak up if I didn't feel that way.
I know I cna't control any of this, and I don't want to, but it's all so upsetting. I'm trying to fight my anxiety, and turn it over to my Higher Power, but how do I still support my husband, but manage to protect my own emotional well being at the same time? I don't want to enable him, or cushion him from the effects of his drinking, but I also know how healing spending time with his daughter is, and how much she cherishes that time.
How do I detach from this when it is so intertwined with my own heart?
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any words of wisdom or encouragement you can offer? This has been an awful spring.
I am on the flip side of this equation at this point and time .. what I will tell you is that she must have reason to feel the way she does and very honestly could benefit from alanon as well. People do carry resentments for a very long time and it only hurts them in the long run. You do not know the whole situation as far as their relationship goes. You know what you see and what you have been told .. you don't know 100% of it. I'm sure my soon to be ex has painted me to be the "bad guy" and not that I don't have my faults however .. there are three sides to every single situations, his, hers and then the real reality of it which is HP's.
The best ESH I can give would be give it to God and let God sort it all out. Hold your spouse's hand and trust that God has got your back. whatever the outcome of this situation your spouse is responsible for his own sobriety as well as how he handles disappointment. You are only responsible for how you handle your own reactions to the situation. Stick to your side of the street and the ex's work it out. Hinging if he's going to be sober or not based upon visits from his daughter is setting himself up for failure at sticking with sobriety. It will be his excuse to drink the disappointment. Well, .. life kind of sucks from time to time and disappointment goes with the territory. We all have to learn to cope with life's ups and downs.
I'm so sorry this is causing you pain and frustration .. it's not your business to sort out it's God's. I'm sorry if this all sounds a little harsh .. I'm not intending it that way (I reread my post and kind of went YIKES!!) so take what you like or nothing at all. I know .. my soon to be ex is so not telling the whole truth about what is going on and the why's of it. She probably knows more than you realize and has been through a lot more than you realize as well. Again not saying she's right or perfect just saying we all do the best we can in all given situations with the tools and information that we have at the time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I was incredibly over involved in all the ex A's business. His family, his work, his friends, his expectations, his needs. There was nothing left for me.
I had to work really hard to take a back seat on all that. Drama and chaos was his byeline. He always had an excuse about it, this situation, that job, his mother, his brother, his whatever. The irony was there was very little room in the relationship for my issues, my problems at work, my friends, my family (my mother died during the relationship), my issues. He had no time or energy for any of them.
I do know what it is to be compassionate for others. I also know what it is to be absolutely overinvolved. These days when plans don't happen I don't stew about it. I let it go right away. Of course I don't have an alcoholic around making a meal out of it. But I could if I wanted to. I know plenty of them. If I am round people who constantly need money, have drama in their lives (besides the normal stuff) I set a lot of boundaries.
I have a lot of limits these days. I had none before. When the ex A was down I was down. All I talked about was him. I had nothing left for me.
