The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am determined this time to get off this ride. He was sober for 40 days. Everything here has been fine. We have been getting along well, he has been going to meetings and really making sure to get there even if he didn't feel like it. Last night, he said he was going to stay awake to watch a movie. I went downstairs and he was walking back in the house from the garage with a drink. I went ballistic. I lost my mind. I yelled and screamed and threw a totally fit. I told him to leave, he did. He came back this morning, stinking drunk. I hate to say that someone is unable to stay sober, but I think in this case he is a lost cause. The other times there was always an excuse, stress, something that triggered it. But, this time there wasn't. He is 47 and has a relapse at lease once a year. His longest time sober was 3 years. When he drinks all of the finances fall on me. We have lived together for 2 years and he has his own business, so when he wants to drink he just closes up shop and drinks. In the meantime I am trying to keep the bills paid with my salary, it's doable and he knows it. But, it is not fair. I have no spending money, no money to do nice things for myself, because I need to make sure that everything is taken care of. I have his cell phone on my plan and all day have been trying to make the call to turn it off. I just know that if he decides to get help he needs the phone. I just don't know how to make the final decision to end everything no matter what. But, for everyone's sake I have to. I am not helping him or myself by always keeping things going while he is on a binge. He knows I will and everytime it happens, I take him back when he stops drinking. This time has to be different. I have to say no, and that is what is so hard for me. As long as he is drunk I can hate him, but when he sobers up and feels like crap and apologizes I always cave. I'll get to a Face to face tomorrow. But, but right now I need some encouragement from here. Thanks.
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I am so sorry to hear about his recent relapse. :( Whatever you choose to do, say, or feel, just remember there is no right or wrong way to handle the situation. I grew up with an alcoholic mother (who has yet to find her sobriety) and I remember the emotional roller coasters I would constantly find myself on and could never seem to figure out how to stop the nauseating ride. Eventually I moved in with a great friend and learned how to stand on my own two feet. I am still close with my mother but separating myself from the environment was the only way I could gain a new perspective. If I hadn't, I'd still be engaging in all of the insanity. What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Maybe it's time to try something new! :)
Thanks. I am just sad and disappointed. I have given this relationship so many chances and nothing changes. I love him very much when he is sober and trying. He is affectionate, kind, sensitive, loyal. But, when he drinks he is a selfish jerk, that spends money recklessly. I sit here right now and feel sad and alone. Last weekend we had the best time, we went deep sea fishing and had a wonderful weekend. And then yesterday he starts drinking and I sit here feeling like the jokes on me. I worry about him, I feel alone, and feel like a fool. He packed a suitcase, but left 90% of his stuff. I hate limbo. I hate this feeling, I hate that alcohol is more important than I am, and more important than working and helping pay our bills. I feel used and deflated.
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I understand your feelings, kat. Limbo is the WORST.
The addiction is inherently selfish. I remember feeling fooled when exAh and I would share wonderful times and I had hopes they would continue and everything would be okay. Then, SMACK, another binge and more yucky feelings, doubts, and limbo.
It's so hard to have compassion for them in those moments and to not take their actions personally, especially when we invest so much with our hearts and believe with our entire being that they have changed. I truly don't believe they do any of this stuff on purpose, it just goes to show how sick they are.
I have no advice, I'm afraid...but you are most definitely not alone.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Your post reminded me of when I was in your shoes...doing and feeling and thinking the same. After I learned that alcoholism was a disease I was still blind sided by it often and would also loose personal control. One night a fellow member asked would you respond the same way if she had cancer or diabetes and other life threatening diseases? and then I changed. The woman I married had absolutely no desire to have life being destroyed the way it was and no defense against the next drink and the consequences. She tried AA for a while and then I told her I didn't think she was alcoholic...she promptly went back out and we then lost everything. I heard in the program that because alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and an obsession the alcohol has lost the choice as to whether they drink or not. I heard that the alcoholic cannot not drink. I came to believe that as the truth. When God intervened (not me) she got sober in a way that taught me a lesson in humility which I still practice.
Going to face to face meetings breaks the cycle for you. I hope it works out. In support. ((((hugs))))
I always went back too. My ex was sober, but he still employed the same sort of behavior with a couple great weeks followed by several more riddled with selfishness, defensiveness, hostility, and alienation. Then, he'd go back to being kind and sweet with me and we'd make a bunch of promises to one another-sick promises. He would be there for me and I would ask for less, settle. Sick! Even sober, his brain is not finished with those binge cycles. Every time I would believe it was going to be different, though. Insanity! My therapist had told me something that stuck with me and that was that I had become as unhealthy for him as he was for me. I had expectations that were realistic for most relationships, but not for my ex due to his disease. She empathized with his situation in which he was constantly feeling like a disappointment to me. Moreover, I aided in perpetuating his behavior by never keeping my boundaries with him. It was always so easy to set the boundary when I was angry with his selfishness and resistance to insight. I found that I had become impulsive to leave and then compelled to return, each time feeling more foolish and resentful than the last. I guess what I want to say is that I understand that cycle and how our self esteem takes a beating as a result. Your post is really helpful to me in my own healing. Knowing I'm not alone makes me feel more secure in myself. I am grateful for finding this board and grateful for strong people like you who write about their lives.
The best thing about alanon and other 12 step programs (at least in my view) is that you find constants to give you peace during these "limbo" times. This is really where the necessity of having a higher power comes in to play. Your higher power can be consistent, it won't fail you, it's always there...The people in alanon can even be part of that higher power.
He is a very important person in your life but HE is the one that is in limbo. You are, and have always be the one with the resources and the faculties. Detaching means that you really recognize your own strengths and detach from his sickness. Alcohol is not more important than you. It's not even about that - It's all about him and his issues. It's all about his self sabotage, self-hatred, and fear of success.
What you decide to do with the relationship is within your control and it's your prerogative. It could be that you are finally just too turned off and burnt out by his issues and it has destroyed the relationship. It could be that these relapses cause so much emotional wreckage (and financial) that you cannot live with the resentments and you need to set him free to have only his own consequences.
Most alcoholics burn through their relationships. You would not be the first or the last to say "I have had enough."
Even if you decide to stick it out, I guess my main point is that you can work on feeling more at peace regardless of what he does by finding a spiritual source of energy and hope. This way his actions don't rock your whole world so much. You will have it in your mind much quicker that he is the one in "Limbo" and he creates "Limbo" situations by being an unreliable sick alcoholic. That does not mean you are internally in "limbo" even though you are facing some life changes. Your HP has a plan for you and you will be okay whatever happens with him.
I had good times with the ex A too. When he was trying he could be sweet, kind and even good company but he was always in a fantasy. I didn't really pick on his stubborness or his demands even when he was sober for a long time. I was too busy trying to make it all work. I've been there and done that with the trying to prod them to get help. He didn't.
Right now I have a friend who I feel like has relapsed. His sister is going crazy around him. I set lots of limits. I know he is on a relaspe. I notice the promises. I also notice the chaos. I'm no longer pulled in by the chaos but I was most of my life. I lived around chaos and craziness as a child. I had to learn to not find it so familiar.
I think the cue is to see through the promises and see the reality. For me an alcoholic now is an alcoholic. My boundaries have changed. Before I melted under the first sign of need. I am now very measured in what I give when I give it and how I give it.
There is no saying in al anon that you have to let go and move on. For me the letting go happened when I did a plan be. What would my life be without him. The truth was for a long time and still at the present time its pretty hard. I wanted someone to lean on. He wasn't it. I am so drawn to leaning on people who can't give. I no longer depend on anyone but I didn't get there overnight.
Detaching is so so difficult when there is a binge under way. For me the ability to see an alcoholic for what they are came from reading Getting them Sober. I found that really helpful. I also found really focusing on what I needed today and today only really helped. I stopped beating myself to a pulp.
Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I guess part of me needs to go through a grieving process and move on from there. It is a loss of my hopes, dreams, expectations, etc. I'm doing much better than I have ever done before when it comes to his relapse. I don't know where he is and I really don't care. What I am afraid of is when the hospital calls and tells me he is there or when he calls asking me to help him. That is the part that is difficult. Because as soon as that happens, I go. I don't want to go this time. I want someone else to go. He is only two days into this binge, so he probably has a week or 2 more to go before he starts crying for help. What I am trying to do right now is remind myself that I know exactly how this will go down, and why do I know that? I know that because it's happened over and over. So, if it has happened over and over, then it will continue to happen. I KNOW that I really need to break the cycle here. So, I am focusing on what that means for me to continue to help when he asks for help. I always thought it was OK to help when they make the decision to get sober. I don't think that is the case now. When he decides to get sober, he expects me to help. But, all it does is provide a means for him to rest up for the next bender. He blew 1800.00 in May when he did this. Right now whatever money he has should be going towards our bills, groceries, and rent. But, it's not. He is drinking it. When he runs out of money he comes crawling. It's so predictable and I need to stay focused on me and how this is not what I need or want in my life. I'm 48 years old. 3 of my 4 children are now adults. I want to travel and have peace. We have a vacation in August to go on a 7 day cruise. It's me, my 13 year old and AF. I called the cruise company and to cancel my AF I will lose 250 bucks. I am a little unsure if that is worth it or not? But, he did this last year right before our trip to Hawaii. He got sober just intime so that I would still let him go with. I know what I need to do, but a lot of this is me still clinging to some hope that he will get sober and we can have the life we planned. The other thing is he wants his engagement ring. I am not going to give it to him while he is drunk. He will sell it and drink the proceeds. But, should I even care. (I do really love the ring though. LOL)
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
