AW just home from recovery and is full of anger - Al-Anon Family Group

gyzer02 · Member

AW just home from recovery and is full of anger

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha gyzer

Thanks for coming here to share with us.

Have you attended any face-to-face Al-Anon meetings? I would suggest you consider attending some - the usual suggestion is at least six as close together as possible to see if Al-Anon is for you or not. You can locate a meeting by visiting the Al-Anon web site: http://al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting.

For me, it was in meetings and reading Al-Anon literature that I learned the behaviors you described are typical of an alcoholic. While they verbally make it all personal, it's really not. The A is basically in a situation right now where she's fighting the temptation to utilize alcohol as a crutch to deal with her feelings. Unfortunately it usually comes out on the A's family members as they're convenient targets who, unfortunately, in the past have always rose to the occasion.

Al-Anon provided me with the tools I needed to not engage in the A's behaviors, like not to attend every argument the A invites me to. It got me to look at myself and see what behaviors I might be exhibiting that contribute to the issues and gave me the strength to start changing my own behaviors so long as it meant, for me, that I felt okay with myself in how I was showing up.

I hope you can find your way to some face-to-face meetings. I know they've helped me tremendously. I am a much different, more serene, calm and confident person now than I was when I first came into the rooms of Al-Anon.

Sending you some hugs.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Gyzer, for most folks it takes a lot more than a 28 day rehab to "fix" things. 2 to 3 meetings a week is not enough for a newcomer fresh out of rehab. 90 meetings in 90 days would be more in line with what AA recommends. A lot of alcoholics and those in very early recovery have huge overblown egos. They think recovery should be handed to them on a silver platter and god forbid they have to work for something or go through something difficult to grow (meanwhile everyone else is putting up with difficulties due to their alcoholism). So this sense of entitlement and volatility is pretty common for someone in active addiction or very early recovery. She doesn't sound too committed to sobriety. When folks are really ready, any rehab is like a God send because it will help her stay sober. A person that is truly ready to be sober will not be so secretive and/or resentful because they will be more committed to just staying sober another 24 hours.

I realize I'm writing a lot about her, but I'm doing this to keep your expectations realistic. In all likelihood, it will get worse until she really wants the program and no longer feels angry about having to go. She brought the need for rehab on herself. How is that anyone else's fault? If she was working recovery much at all, she'd know that already and be taking some responsibility.

In the meanwhile, you can accept what is (that she's really teetering on the fence and not working much of a program) and you can build your own strong alanon program. This will give you strong supports and tools to handle whatever comes down the pike. You deserve support for you. Only an alcoholic (or a 5 year old) will scream for you to help them and then scream that you didn't give them the help they wanted...

In support of you,

Mark

gyzer02 · Member

Indeed I believe that I need Al-Anon. I am not equipped to understand the behaviors of an AW. I have located the al-anon meeting schedule and will be a regular. I think the Serenity Prayer is going to be regular ritual.
These comments have been very helpful.

Thank

tired of trying · Veteran Member

personal experience-when my AH got sober so he could come home-it was months before the anger went away-the more I recognized it the worse it became-eventually he got tired of it and it is better

BothSidesNow · Newbie

Tired of Trying, and all, I have a question. My H was taken to the ER with a BAL of 329. He quit cold turkey 2.5 weeks ago, and hasn't had a drink since. Says it is easy for him. Gyzer 02, like you, I'm getting the anger and "it's your fault" stuff as he denies he is an alcoholic. And AH is also getting into internet pornography, sex chat rooms, now texts and phone calls.

Tired of Trying, you said that after a while it got better. How can you tell? I am not willing to live in a marriage with infidelity, be it emotional and/or physical. I'm thinking of leaving soon, but what haunts me is moving, buying a new small house, and having him get lucid again sometime down the road. Lots of the time he's a sweetheart, but he won't give up internet stuff. And I still really love him, so this is despairing to me.

BothSidesNow

gyzer02 · Member

BothSides

For myself, things got better when I understood that I can not change the person. That removes the urges to say something about certain behaviors. The compulsive behavior on the computer is just that. It probably does not provide any emotional support.

Go to your Al-Anon meetings. It is very helpful.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.