The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone. I decided to get back on here, close to a year after my final post about moving out and leaving my AH. My life has changed so much. I am now divorced from my AH, I live in a new city, have my own apartment, a decent job, a new boyfriend, a whole new life. I think I have wanted to believe that this means that I am healed, but I don't think it does. I think I still have a lot of scars from my life with my AH and from other boyfriends before him. I still talk to him regularly, and he is still struggling. I even found myself struggling for a bit, even at times imitating some of the behaviors my AH had displayed to me. Luckily, I have caught these things and have corrected them, but it was not a good place and I was not a good example to my ex AH.
I need to keep healing myself. I may even need to go to counseling. I need to figure out how to make myself into the person I want to be, and the type of person who will attract my perfect soulmate. Does anyone have any advice to me about this process? I left my AH last August and the divorce was final in March, but how do I go about truly healing myself and moving on? In some ways I feel moved on, but I know in my heart that I still have a lot of work to do.
Any advice you guys can give me would be great. Thank you!
Hello Kay, My Esh is this, I left my AH (he moved out for the last time) in October of year before last; our divorce was final early August (last August) and I am just now looking forward to a summer where I can enjoy finally being free of his BS. I have not even considered letting another man into my life because I know I am just too damaged still from all the stuff he piled onto my shoulders.
I am looking forward to this summer because I think now I am really free to return to ME. I understand that only by being ME will I attract someone who Likes who I am when I am being ME and doesn't want me to change.
I know that for me I need to take as much alone time as needed to get right with myself, uncompromisingly BE myself, and DARE someone to take me as I am. Only then will I be truly healed.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I too am staying single since my divorce on purpose and I even have 2 men that have been trying to get me to go on dates, but I am no longer needing a guy to latch onto. I did counseling for awhile and I continue regular Al-anon meetings and meetings with my sponsor. I know that I need to keep working on myself so that I can make the changes I can control not to repeat the cycles of old. My kids and I are doing good and I am excited for our future. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Sis...there is no such thingy as perfect. I went thru the 40+years of searching for it/her/him/them whatever and looked around at all of the other searchers around me. They hadn't found it either so I took a lesson on expectations and acceptance and unconditional love and aaaahhhh there I was relaxed with a smile on my face progressively happy with who and what I was at that moment. We do that...progress not perfection. Good to have you back. Want to hear more from your journey of self discovery and solutions and consequences. How confused I was when I came to understand the meaning of the forth step...that pronoun "Ourselves". Why was the fickle finger of Al-Anon blame pointing back at me?
I'm in support. I love watching miracles happen!! ((((hugs))))
Hi Kay, welcome back! Study of the steps, sponsorship, and regular attendance of meetings is how it works for me.
After divorce from an alcoholic, I did all the things you did, but I am quite sure I would have packed up and brought ME with me, had I not been willing to keep my recovery first. I don't know about you, but I have never stopped working my recovery because I was afraid not to, I had met too many women who left al-anon after finding new love, only to find themselves stuck in their same patterns, and come back to al-anon. I have suffered enough.
I know counseling works for some, and I did that for many years. In the end, I found that all the answers come from working the 12 steps, working the 12 steps changes people, it leads to a spiritual awakening. With the help of an experienced sponsor, I am able to do the excavation work needed for me to KNOW MYSELF. The answers are inside me, the 12 steps help me dig it up and stop doing the same things over and over, expecting different results.
Personally, I'm not sure I believe in Soul Mates, really. Probably because I already thought I had it in the past, what I thought felt like soul mate status was probably more of an obsessed relationship, they were sick because we were both so needy. Today I am in a relationship with a man, and it feels very good, very healthy, it is the easiest relationship I have ever been in. I credit al-anon for teaching me how to love me first, my relationship with Higher power is first.... that is the key. I was told, once the spiritual life straightens out in me, the other things would fall into place, like relationships. That's the way it worked for me.
I'm glad you're here, so we can walk this journey together. The al-anon fellowship is a true gift, Higher power knew I could never do it alone. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 20th of June 2012 09:18:03 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
You sound like you are right where you are supposed to be 1 year later. It's a lot better but not all peachy keen. You still have some work to do on yourself and it's good you realize it. I also don't buy the "soul mate" concept and it's for the same reasons glad lee stated. It implies that another person "completes" you. If you are happy and mostly problem free on your own, you wont bring drama and issues into your relationships. At that point you won't have as needy and codependent a relationship because you will not be leaning on each other to solve each other's problems and save each other from the crappiness of your other problems. Just keep working on yourself and more will be revealed.
For now, it sounds like you are doing ok. You made some courageous changes already and can feel good about those right?
One year really isn't that long. I know I had contact with the ex A for a good year after I left him. That contact eventually scaled down. In so many ways I felt guilty that I couldn't make him stop.
I know for me all the new things were overwhelming, new place to live, new job, new friends, new everything. I had to work hard to integrate them all in my life. Then I had to learn to work on me. I had to let the grief take its course there was a lot of it. Now it is more compaasion and wisdom but I wouldn't let an alcoholic in my life again in any way shape or form. I might entertain it but the chaos is too much.
I'm glad you are here. Expectations are everything.
I think you are in the right place, and adding more Al-Anon meetings and work will only help more. I am a work in progress, and when I reach a new phase, it gives me a chance to add more to my life. It is good that you are realizing that this is a time to reflect on things, to make a better you. I like to think of my life plan at different intervals, and moving on is not so much about leaving things behind, but making sure that I keep them in mind for better choices in the year to come! Check out the steps, it may be a way to work on those areas.
