"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Was does detatchment look like for you?

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

My son flew in to town to visit recently. ( I am affected by my son's drinking.) So I phoned my sponsor on my way to the airport and said, "I'm feeling afraid, like I should be applying duct tape to my mouth." She laughed and said I didn't need the duct tape. But that it might be helpful to see him in a different way, to shrink him down to the youngest age I could imagine him. So that when he told me about his fears and problems (which are part of his normal conversation) I might reply with compassion, with the attitude, "poor baby. my poor, poor baby."

This worked amazingly well, we had a wonderful visit together. I did NOT get emotionally hooked to his fears and lack of clarity, I did not take it on, I just listened with compassion. I was an observer, a witness to him struggling through his life....

In the past, I assumed that him telling me about his problems meant he wanted me to SOLVE his problems for him, it was like my duty call to step into a phone booth and come out with my superman cape!! And I always fell flat on my face, he did NOT want my help, it pushed him away from me (which harmed me) he wanted me to just listen. And love him unconditionally, despite his struggles.

Another tactic my sponsor used, she brought up my own mother. She said," how do you like it when your mother tries to solve your problems?" It was a dirty trick, but highly effective, the good ol' Golden Rule. I just want to be loved when I make mistakes.

Take what you like, leave the rest ((hugs))

-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 19th of June 2012 10:11:03 AM

goingbananas · Newbie

Hello Everyone.

This is my first post here. I'm glad to have found you all.

I am struggling with detatching, especially with love. I understand the point of detatching in order to help myself, but I can't get over seeing it as a double edged sword. I love my AH when he is sober and I know he has a disease that he doesn't like and didn't choose to have but I am SO tired of dealing with this cycle that never seems to stop. I am not quiting on us yet, but I am trying to plan for if I do. I have looked into other housing and am putting away money. We have 4 young kids I have to take care of.

So my question is, what does detatchment look like for you?

When my AH is home and drunk, I do what I can to not be around him. He will usually follow me around to try to "talk", which would end in a fight. I'm not giving in to that anymore. Then when he does sobber up, what about then? Everything he has to say, I've heard before. Do I still listen to the "I'm sorry's and I need to go to AA more..." And lastly, when he is sober, how does detatchment look then? I struggle with the anger and resentment, but at the same time want to enjoy my sober AH.

Any words of wisdom?

Findinghope · Veteran Member

Thank you so much for this post. I related exactly to what you're dealing with -- I feel like I'm in the same boat. I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but I've gotten a lot of help from reading some of the past posts about detachment and what it means. I've been taking some long walks with the dog by myself and just practice trying to look at myself and figure out what my immediate needs are.

I really struggle with it, and sometimes I feel like if I completely detach myself, then I'll be a bad wife. but if I stay locked in these cycles of drinking/not-drinking, then I lose my own sanity. I think that's still the disease talking, and that's why I'm trying to throw myself into recovery and just take each day as it comes. Right now, my AH has had a period of relapsing about once a week for the past month. He isn't going to AA, and anytime I bring up anything about that, he gets really defensive and just tells me to leave his recovery to him. He's right, it's not my place to control his sobriety, but it still leaves me wondering at what point will I be able to talk about this? I mean, this i the single biggest issue facing our marriage and it seems a bit unfair that I'm not supposed to bring it up. I'm hoping that time and working the program will give me more clarity about this situation.

I'm babbling on about myself, but wanted to thank you for your share. it sounds like you're doing an amazing job detaching with love, by not engaging with him when he's drinking. I know how hard that is for me, and it must be even harder with four children in the house to worry about on top of it. I'm sure some of the others with more Alanon time under their belt will have a bit more wisdom to share.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

What detachment means to me is it doesn't matter what my AH is doing or not doing .. I don't give it power over me. Meaning .. if I'm having a good day .. I have a good day. I get to start my day over at any point and time. If my AH is having a bad day I can still have a good day. If my AH is having a good day .. I can have whatever kind of day I choose to have. It's giving myself permission to be where I am at regardless of what the alcoholic in my life is doing or not doing.

Hugs P :)

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there, if you click on my username and find all my posts started by me, you will find one about detachment. I think I started it about 2 weeks ago or so. Lots of great advice on there. Obviously, since I started a thread on it, it's something that I struggle with on a daily basis! It's definitely not easy and I find it's a process not a destination where all of a sudden, I'm detached with love. It ebbs and flows depending on the situation and I find it's something that I have to work on to stay balanced.

I am also struggling like Findinghope is in feeling like I'm a bad wife for detaching. I'm reading a lot of books on codependency right now and I find that they are helpful in reminding me that I have to take care of me, too. My sanity is important to my son and to myself, my AH is going to do what he is going to do and I really can't do a darn thing about it. When I really start to get down I make sure to find a meeting or I do some Al Anon reading or I just find some quiet time alone, even if it means taking 5 extra minutes in the bathroom, LOL!

Smukke · Veteran Member

I don't have a lot of time in Al-Anon or a lot of wisdom, but let me tell you that I can identify with you as well. What helped me are the group meetings and the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty. Doing the writing exercises I gained a lot of insight into my attachment and now I have a few practical ideas about how to practice detachment. I am willing to risk some distance between us, there is no bigger risk than the A anyway wink

I am more and more saying things like

"Yes, darling" (after he criticises me)

"As you like, darling" (after he tells me he is about to do something stupid and unreasonable)

"This is your business, darling" (when he complains that I am leaving him alone in his troubles)

Today I am going to write a responsibility list and then stick to it. If he does not ask me to do something I don't do it unless it is my responsibility. Detachment is also taking care of myself, e.g. cooking my favourite meal unless he asks for his; no more efforts to make him relax, just me; no more anticipation of needs without asking; asking only my HP to take him to AA; doing more things he does not like me to do like going grocery shopping in snail pace and getting massages; let him drink; let him have his hangover; let him spend his money;.....

First it felt like creating distance, now it is more like "Now I am going to do this, then that, just because I want to do it." It makes me feel free smile

Abigail426 · Member

Thank you so much for your post! I am also new to the Al-Anon message board and know that we will both find so much support here! :)

As I was reading your post, I realized I haven't consciously practiced detachment in a while. I know I do it on a weekly basis(hopefully!) but have not talked myself through it in a while. So thank you for reminding me how important detaching is. Having that said, when I am consciously practicing detachment I always seek the side of the sword that isn't as sharp. Sometimes I spend my time compromising, thinking and rethinking about whether or not I am making the right decision and end up doing these 360s around myself only to find myself pierced by the double edged sword. If we acknowledge and accept that both sides of the sword are equally sharp let's take action to better our situation. There is no right or wrong decision. Either way, you are being guided by your higher power. Just keep reaching out and the path of uncertainty will soon become clear.

Abigail

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Going bananas)))))

WELCOME TO OUR FAMILY :) Glad your Here :)

Detachment for me was One of the Largest Tools I Used along with the Serenity Prayer that helped me get over the Hump of My Insanity, and Controling Alter Ego... When I Got here just over 3 yrs ago, I lost my Afather to this Disease... I was Very Raw.. VERY Angry... and Very Mixed up... Many Here at MIP lifted me Up and Placed me Back down Gently with my feet on the ground...

When Loosing my Afather, My 1st Response was to "Take over" and SAVE My Baby Brother from this Very disease.. "New Project"... and Then... Thank God above I Found Al-Anon, and they Showed me How to Save Myself... I am From a LONG Line of Alcoholics and I Myself am a Recovering Alcoholic that thought "I" Had it ALL Figured out.. When I read "Detachment" at the 1st 10-15 Face to face Meetings I Attended I Just wasn't getting it... I was Told to Tape it to my Mirror & Everyday Get up, Read it, and Make Progress if I could... I For ME... I Had to Completely Detach Long Enough to Realize all the things I Truly did Love about my Brother, & My Alcoholics... Because for Me. The LOVE Was There, but so was the Pain, and Bitterness Of thier Disease... I Took it Personal when they Drank, Figured I was the "Cause" of their Drinking because I was So Demanding, and Controling...

When I was Told "You Didn't Cause it, You Can't Cure It, nor can you Control it" I thought they were Crazy...lol.. I thought I had More Power then that, I Just didn't find the Right Tool Yet... BOY Am I Grateful I Woke up... I did Tape Detachment to My Mirror.. Hung it in my Office... Kept a Copy in my Glove Box... and on the Inside Cover of what ever book I was reading that week... The More I Read the More it made sense.. it does take time, it does take Practice just like anything else, but when i Finally got to the place where i could say... "I Detach with Love!" Peace came to me, without me tryin so hard to search for it...

There is So Many Wonderful Books about this disease & Recovery from it, and I have Learned that when I Began to "Take care of Me!" my Alcoholics were a little Stand Offish for a while... and that was OK... But as they Seen the Happiness I Had, they to would make better choices when around me... Or at least that is how it seemed from my looking on... I Stopped Drinking AFTER I found Al-Anon... NOT AA... I Stopped Drinking for No One But Me! My Husband is a Binge Drinker, and since i have been Working My Program for the last 3+ yrs... He has Had only ONE Major Idiotiosy Moment, and HE had to live with that Not Me! He still Drinks on Occassions... but Not to the extent he had, and if he does go on a tire, he does it away from me & Our Son, and at Camp by himself... Because My Boundry's were Very Strong, and i made sure to make them Very Clear on what was, and what was Not Acceptable to me... Has he Slipped a time or two on the boundrys... Of Course, But He Knew I wasn't gonig to Fix it For him... He had to do that himself...

I Am Grateful for you being here... And DETACHMENT Is a Wonderful Subject Anytime... I hope that You KEEP COMING BACK...

Friends In Recovery...

Jozie

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Great sharing here - great post and always so much to learn everytime the topic of detachment comes up. I am learning to see it in all areas of my life, kids included and it is not an easy process but it is doable.

For myself it starts with the question "Does this issue belong to me"? I can't always answer that right away especially when it involves my kids because that's a different level of relationship. But as I sit and ponder it, I can begin to see more clearly. "Is this mine, or yours?" Then it moves to "how am I going to respond"?

Right now I'm learning to detach from my RBF smoking cessasion. He's using what I think are poor tactics - but it's not my responsibility. We have a relationship where we can be light hearted with our "issues" together but ultimately respect that we stay out of it. Last night he brought up the topic at dinner, I then asked how it went for the day "he said "good"" I responded with "that's great to hear, did you make it the whole day?" and he said "well not really, I had a half of a cigarette". I had to pay attention to the positive and that it's his battle, I might feel he'd do better to toss them out and not have another but it's not my battle. So I said "that's great, you can do this".

I suppose another way to think of this is, how would I respond to an acquantence sharing their issues with me? Would I respond and tell them how I think they should do it or would I offer a supportive ear and be understanding and be able to walk away not feeling it's my issue? I know for me I don't generally take on other's things until we are "close". Being co-dependent means I have to learn not to take on others things. But if I compare how I might respond to my neighbor saying "I really need to attend more AA meetings" I could probably see myself saying "that sounds like a positive idea". It's supportive feedback without advice giving or reacting to it.

But when we care about someone that is VERY hard to do. It's a process of learning. You might do well and learn to detach from this and then another thing comes up. That's what I find. The smoking deal was a trigger for me, I began to hear myself making comments that are controlling and I was thankfully able to see it right away and talk to my RBF and apologize for it and start over. And a few weeks later I'm still working through it. I just do my best to be understanding of my process and not beat myself up for "learning". I do better with that environment.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Detachment looks like "them" all out there doing their lives with the best they know how and "me" doing mine the same way. I love them (complete acceptance without reservation) and I love myself the same way. I realize that I do not have an order to take care of or be responsible for all of them. I don't have a list of people given to me by my Higher Power that tells me "You have to forget your life and live the lives of these people". I've looked high and low for the list when I got into Al-Anon and sure enough it wasn't there so I stopped with conditions. I learned that all of "them had the time, ability and facility to take care of themselves and that I was taking over without asking if they needed or wanted me to do it". There in I learned the difference between enabling and helping. If they lack any one of the three tools and they ask for my help and I have the time, ability and facility myself...then its helping. Detaching means I am within them on the journey not that I am herding them.

I learned that "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are (God Love) and the member who gave me that was asked "how do you love your alcoholic"? Notice that alcoholic isn't specifically mentioned in her definition and sooooo I learned that love is a personal characteristic and acted out without prejudice. In my culture it is called Aloha and so that is how I do it. In detachment I always go to my HP first before taking on a task which includes another persons life. I ask "What do you see here that I can do?" Then I listen...yes listen for a response. You are a tool of your Higher Power and should hear it's direction.

Detachment means being "Velcro Free"...nothing sticks that I don't choose to grab on to. Detachment means to be in the world and not feel that I created it all and must keep it balanced. I am just one ...of "them" and more than enough to keep managed.

Great Post...Mahalo (Thanks) (((((hugs))))) smile

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

When I first started detaching I really had a hard time with this. The best way I can describe this is you don't pick up a 300 lb weight right away. You have to start with 5 lb weights so you start by detaching on the small things then move up to the big things.

No one said having an alcoholic following you around was going to be easy. Certainly no one just breezes through taking care of 4 kids while their partner is using up all their money on drinking.

I do know that certain books helped me a lot Getting them Sober was one of them. When I got toe h point of being tired of hearing his excuses I got very angry. My problem was confronting him with that anger it made it much worse. I had to take that anger and turn it around into actions.

I'm gald you are here and working on this. Keep coming back.

Maresie.

goingbananas · Newbie

Thank you so much to everyone that responded. It feels great to know that I am not alone in this.

AH is on a binge that I am sure will last a few days, but for some reason I don't feel the anxiety that usually comes along with it. I am of course worried and do not want him to get hurt or in trouble, but if it does, I know I will be ok.

I've tried attending Al-anon before but hated it. I thought the women there sounded liked scorned, bitter people and I never went back. I think I realize that I wasn't ready to change myself and accept that I was powerless against it. Thankfully I kept the literature they gave me. I am half way through how al-anon works, and keep thinking the people who wrote this book must know me personally.

I'm sad bc I don't know what will happen to AH. I want us to be healthy together, but I have to take care of me first. God, I hope I keep this attitude up.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hug GB,

I would encourage you to try some other meetings sometimes it's not so much the meetings were not my cup of tea, .. it was I wasn't ready for the information. So I truly encourage you to try again .. if you don't like it .. try a different meeting.

It took me 10 years of trying Alanon 3 different times (well .. now that I think about it 4x, .. I tried one time as a late teen and then in ten years 3x, it was the last time that stuck). What changed for me is that the emotional pay off stopped outweighing the pain. The pain I felt far out weighed everything and pain is a great motivator for changing myself.

Hugs it does get better and YES you can keep that attitude!! P :)

canadianguy · by **toby** » Sat Oct 02, 2010 6:43 am

Hi - this is long, but I posted this a couple of years ago - some wonderful pearls of wisdom direct from Toby Rice Drews - she explains detachment in such wonderful ways in her 'Getting Them Sober' books.

Hope that helps

Tom

Okay, so what CAN we do??	Reply Quote More Edit Post Delete Post Ban IP Report Spam

Hi folks... lots of great stuff on the board these days, particularly around detachment, enabling, and people genuinely wondering what exactly we CAN do, in order to help our A's find the light, to some extent. The "Getting Them Sober" book series can help answer a lot of these questions, as there are definitely some things we can do to help pave the way for sobriety to take place.... This is in no way conflicting with the three C's - ultimately it is still their recovery, but there are a few things we can do, as outlined below. I found a recent post that was very helpful, and hope it will do some good here as well. The following is reprinted, with permission, from Toby's website. Take care Tom "" How does 'detachment' work? Can one help the alcoholic and still be emotionally detached from his disease? And what if one feels stuck... like nothing will work? The following will help ........ "July, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month" (from the www.GettingThemSober.com website) copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books a. The hundreds of practical suggestions for things to do ---- that are detailed in the "Getting Them Sober" books ----- set the tone for the alcoholic to have the best chance to choose sobriety. **How does that process work? The process of learning 'detachment' ------ which is learning how to get a "clinical distance" from his alcoholism ---- i.e., learning how to give the effects of his disease, a very wide berth so that WE don't feel the effects of the disease on US ----- is of course first to help the family keep//retain//re-gain its sane way of life before the alcoholism. But-------it is also for the alcoholic. When the family to learns to emotionally detach from the effects of his alcoholism---- that gives the consequences of the disease back to the alcoholic. And then when he realizes that others-----his family----are no longer accepting the results of his disease by worrying, pleading, begging, etc.......... then he 'stands alone' with his disease. It is then that the alcoholic has the best chance to want to get sober. Because he-------not the family member anymore-----is feeling the full consequences of his disease. And that's when he often gets scared and surrenders to getting help. b. I have been attending open-to-the-public meetings of Al-Anon and all the other 12-step programs for over 42 years, as a health professional. And I have personally seen countless members of Al-Anon report that THE DAY that they no longer worried about what he was going to do------the DAY that he was entirely given back his disease------he asked for help and got and stayed sober. And so many times---- in the day or few days before that happened------ the spouse said, "He'll NEVER get it!" c. What about family interventions? 99% of them only work if you have leverage. "Leverage" means that you have something that the alcoholic wants----or does not want----- that has the power (in his mind) to make him seriously happy or unhappy-----and that you use that power//that leverage-----to give the alcoholic an ultimatum------'get sober or else'----- and if that ultimatum means enough to the alcoholic, then he gets help. That is why successful interventions are mostly accomplished by the courts, or by the job. Unfortunately, the family often does not have the leverage. And------the family is usually understandably too scared to do an intervention. *** But-------learning how to detach------ i.e., learning how to give the disease back to him-------i.e., letting him, not you, much more feel the consequences of his drinking------ doing those actions creates "mini-interventions"-----but without you having to give the alcoholic an ultimatum! * These daily ways we learn to 'detach'------ to get peace and let HIM suffer the consequences, not us-------- we are doing "non-ultimatum-giving MINI-INTERVENTIONS". The "Getting Them Sober" books are full of hundreds of practical, very do-able and effective ways to do those mini-interventions-------i.e., set the tone so that we get "clinical distance" from his junk // we finally get peace -----AND at the same time, create "mini-interventions' so that the alcoholic has a better chance to choose sobriety. d. Thousands of people write//call me and say they "did what the books said" ----and then he got sober. (I get calls from women all over the world who secretly meet in small groups to discuss the "Getting Them Sober" books, and hide them under their mattresses-------who report to me that (on an average) half of their husbands got sober within a few months. The women who contact me range everywhere from small towns in Poland -----to Washington, D.C., where women live who feel that they cannot go to Al-Anon, because of their husbands' "high profiles".) d. * Al-Anon talks about the "3 c's-- (Al-Anon says that 'one cannot cure, control, or cause alcoholism")-------- ** So----- how does one help the alcoholic to want to choose sobriety if one "cannot cure, control, or cause alcoholism"? a. Alcoholism is a disease----not just "a behavioral choice". No spouse of an alcoholic can 'cure' her alcoholic's disease of alcoholism. * But-----the disease CAN be 'arrested' (stopped from progressing) one day at a time--- with recovery! Can the alcoholic 'control' his drinking? No. With every drink, the alcoholic's disease progresses forward. But----- all that means is that he must be totally abstinent------THAT is what stops the disease in its tracks (i.e., arrests the disease's progress, one day at a time). The disease progresses forward no matter how much or how often the alcoholic still drinks. So-------there is no 'control' over the alcoholic's drinking...as long as he still continues to drink at all. * And can the spouse 'control' him to stop him from drinking? Not 'control'------but there are sooo many things that the spouse can learn to do that are in essence, 'mini interventions' that help "box the alcoholic in"-----so that he will have the best chance to want to get help. e. So, can alcoholism be 'cured'? No-------but it can be stopped in its tracks. That is what sobriety is all about------ when the alcoholic gets help and stops the drinking entirely ------- the recovery begins and the healing process starts. The recovery rate in A.A. is 75% ...the highest rate of any program .... what a huge amount of hope! Re: What CAN I do to help?! ------ "mini-interventions" by toby » Sat Oct 02, 2010 6:43 am When one feels 'stuck' and feels that there is nothing one can do to help with the situation in the home ------- remember that there ARE things one can do to help------ These 'mini-interventions' are ways to emotionally detach--------and they not only help us to heal-------but it's important to really realize that they are ALSO ways to accomplish "the cheese stands alone''..i.e., 'boxing the alcoholic in'' so that he has a much better chance to crumple and ask for help. When we don't fully try doing them, we often then say, 'this does not work'. When we go back and forth with saying what we mean, and then not meaning it..... of course it doesn't work! The alcoholic has radar--------he KNOWS when we've crossed that line and we won't go back to the way we were. He KNOWS when he can no longer get away with what he got away with before. When we feel that he holds all the cards....... when we feel that there is no way that we can make it without him....... he knows that he's ''got us''. And therefore doesn't have to really listen to us. But when we internalize what oldtimers in Al=Anon always said----------i.e., "you've got to want this program more than you want ANYTHING (i.e., you have to want to heal more than you want to stay in the relationship.)''--------- then, he has lost his power over you. IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. BUT YOU FINALLY GET TO THE POINT THAT HE IS NOT ANY LONGER YOUR TIN-GOD...I.E., YOU GET TO THE POINT WHERE YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN, IF YOU CHOOSE TO, LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP AND THAT YOU WILL SURVIVE AND HEAL. THAT HE IS NO LONGER YOUR 'GOD'...YOUR 'GLUE' THAT HOLDS YOU TOGETHER. HE HAS BECOME RIGHT-SIZED. And when you know it-----------he knows it. You do not have to say it. In fact, it's better when you do not say it. When you stop the talking about 'it'-------and just 'do' the actions----- he WILL know it--------his alcoholic radar will pick up your healing and he'll know that he no longer can get away with what he got away with before. Because, before------- he could get away with it all because he knew that THE BOTTOM LINE is that he could do anything because you are afraid to lose him. And when they realize that you no longer are terrified of that-------- they lose their power over you. Most of the time, the paradox is, you don't have to lose the relationship for you to heal and for him to lose his power over you----------- he just has to realize that down deep, you are no longer terrified to lose him. It will go without saying. And that is a much more powerful way for it to happen........without words. You just finally realize, down deep, that he is not the ''Glue'' that holds you together......... emotionally, financially, any way. He is just another of the 4 billion people on earth. toby

Smukke · Veteran Member

"IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. BUT YOU FINALLY GET TO THE POINT THAT HE IS NOT ANY LONGER YOUR TIN-GOD...I.E., YOU GET TO THE POINT WHERE YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN, IF YOU CHOOSE TO, LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP AND THAT YOU WILL SURVIVE AND HEAL. THAT HE IS NO LONGER YOUR 'GOD'...YOUR 'GLUE' THAT HOLDS YOU TOGETHER. HE HAS BECOME RIGHT-SIZED."

I think I came closer to this understanding last night, reading another chapter in "Codependent no more". It feels like the love disappears or shrinks and in my head is total chaos. I am glad I don't want to brake up this year, so I have time for clarity and I don't leave because I get a sentence or a chapter wrong. I really think it is this "I could leave if I wanted" that makes all the difference. It is just so new to me....

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

For me detachment is that regardless of what is going on around me I am okay . I look to see if there is a part in the problem for me , if there is I fix it , if not I can walk away and leave the problem where it belongs with * them *. I love the story about detachment that made things clear for me . If the alcoholic passes out on the lawn , leave him there but turn off the automatic sprinkler . we dont have to make things worse , explaining to the neighbours why he is on the lawn is his problem not mine .

siobhy1 · Newbie

Hi I really liked your post and congrats on getting to where you are, just a quick question, how do you keep your moods - i am stuggling not just with my RA but with lots of other people. Any tips would be greatly appreciated x

goingbananas · Newbie

Hi siobhy-

I think for myself, it's important to know that I have to make myself my number one priority. If' I'm not well and happy, I'm not good for my kids or anyone else. I keep reminding myself that I am in control of my life and my happiness. Yes, other people can bring me down, but it's my choice whether I am happy or not. Mine, no one else's. It takes a lot more effort to be mad than happy. It's a daily "thing" for me, not something I just have automatically.

Good luck to you. Message me if you want to talk more!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Re: What CAN I do to help?! ------ "mini-interventions"

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"