What Went Wrong? - Al-Anon Family Group

bratarella · Newbie

What Went Wrong?

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you! You saw the red flags flying and opted out. I think that is a very normal thing to do. I hope you will decide to give yourself a lot of love and support for taking care of you and getting out of a bad situation before it got worse.
There may be some grieving to do, anyway.
Please don't beat yourself up--you didn't know before you moved there.

Hugs,
Temple

sarah1979 · Member

Hi braterella,
I'm sorry you are in the position you are in. I have said those exact kind of words to my AH before " why are you choosing vodka over our marriage". From what I am learning, and I'm fairly new into recovery it is not a choice as such. An alcoholic is powerless over alcohol, and until they admit that and get some help, they will continue to make decisions that to you and I feel selfish and hurtful. I don't think anyone chooses to be an alcoholic, there is a choice about staying in active drinking alcoholism though and that is what I think is so hard for loved ones to witness. it sounds like there is a lot of denial gong on with your partner. It's so hard not to try and force solutions when you can see someone damaging themselves so much. I can tell you from bitter experience and exhaustion though, trying to make him see he has to change will not work. He's got to come to that realisation himself. If you read through some of the posts here there's some really good advice on how to detach. I have to say that it is only when I started getting help for me and detaching that my AH even accepted he had a problem and I've openly known he has a problem for a long long times

I feel for you. I recently moved my life down to London to be with my AH. It looks like things might not work out for us. Stay strong and be nice to yourself. I would recommend going to an alanon meeting if you can. xxx

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear nothing changed. Nothing went wrong. This is how it is when we love an A. Their disease is very complicated and real. Many suffer brain damage, their bodies cannot work correctly with all that alcohol drying it up. It takes the place of water and that is so detrimental.

You did the right thing. Be glad you didn't lose more. You can take one day at a time and continue your life, building it to the way you want it to be again.

Thats how awful the disease is, When they are full blown active, nothing means more than the process of getting the drug, doing the drug and at the same time thinking about how to get the drug again. Its a circle.

They are very sick people hon. Took me years to find my own serenity again and home. But lost all my retirement, my vehicles, perfect credit,my beautiful home, and on and on.

But his disease not around is sooo worth all the work I have done with HP's guidance and love.

hugs,debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Bratarella Welcome to Miracles in Progress

I am so very sorry that you have been confronted with this painful disease of alcoholism.

The issues you describe are very familiar to those of us who live or have lived with this dreadful disease.

It is important to break the isolation that we retreat into and to learn how to refocus our attention on ourselves, our needs and what is important to our lives.

To that purpose I would like to suggest that you search out Alanon Face to Face Meetings in your community and attend. Meetings can be located by:

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

There is help and hope so please keep coming back You are worth it.

Smukke · Veteran Member

Hi bratarella,

I feel with you. I quite my well paid job to live with my AB. I missed my job and my "old life" so much and somehow blamed him, especially when things did not work out well. A few months ago I flew to the city I had left and met all my friends. It was sooo nice, and I thought "I left all this for my AB!" It takes time and practice to accept things as they are right now. Trusting in my HP I trust that things will work out from here again. Just yesterday I got a call from an HR agency. If this will work out or not - it gave me a lot of courage and showed me that my life did not end.

Al-Anon meetings and a few books, two of them for daily readings, help me getting my thinking "right". I am in a better mood, more optimistic and learn to go with the flow of life. Earlier on I would have thought desperately, should I go for the job or not??!! Now it is more like "Let me go for it right now and then let it go. My HP will make sure I will do the right thing at the end." Plus, I am NOT worrying if I will have enough time for my AB. This is very relieving :)

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I was definitely one of those people who gave it my all. Somehow I had some idea that an alcoholic would appreciate that. These days I no longer give until I have nothing left but I had to get to the point where you are at to be willing to even look at it.

This Board is a great life saver. I think books like Getting them sober are gold and coming to understand the obsession the alcoholic is in also helps. For some reason that took me years too.

I am glad you are here and willing to look at yourself. Some of my ideas about where I was before the now Ex A were somewhat idealized. Certainly I was functioning but I had many issues that made me a perfect fit for an alcoholic. I've changed now but if I hadn't of come to al anon I doubt that would have happened I'd be right smack in a relationship with another alcoholic or in crisis day and night as I always was.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.